To Tell SIL To Stop Claiming Things?

[Addyview]

I've been with DH a very long time and we have a child together, I get on well with his brother but his brothers wife is another story. She's nice enough most of the time but makes a lot of situations very awkward because of how tight she is. Whenever she comes round if I offer her something to eat she says things like "Yes, can you also wrap some up for me to take home" no matter what it is! There's a million examples I can give but she basically won't pay for anything and is always on the scrounge.
My husbands brother earns a lot of money and so does his wife so its not like they ever struggle, BIL says its just who she is and does try to stop her.
Anyway on Christmas they're coming for dinner but last year was so uncomfortable because she basically laid claim to everything she saw. Every present she saw me open she was asking if she could have it if I didn't like it or when I was fed up of it, she was pointing at things on the dinner table saying she'd take the leftovers home and telling other guests to not eat it all! It really got on my nerves by the end of the day.
She's coming this year and me and DH are both in agreement that we need to say she can't behave like that because it makes everyone else awkward but BIL has asked us to leave it alone and just ignore her because she gets embarrassed. I'm half tempted to just cancel BIL and his wife altogether if I'm honest.
I'm several years into this womans impolite behaviour and it's casting a bit of a dark cloud over Christmas because I'm dreading her making everyone else feel uncomfortable when she starts! So to me my two options are ring her in the morning and tell her to not behave that way or uninvite them both and tell BIL why. I simply cannot have another Christmas day like last years.

Cook her something easy, freeze it, and tell her before the meal that you've made it specially for her to eat the next day (or whenever). Then it's "oh no remember you don't need to take the spare turkey, remember the spag bol I made for you in the freezer??"

And rubbing her nose in it!

I wonder if BIL is afraid of her?

Reluctance to speak on the grounds she gets embarrassed could be code for she gets angry. And nasty.

Maybe THAT is the conversation your DH should be having with his DB.

The last three lines give you your answer. Uninvite her. Today.

I voted YABU because you know what she's like and you're allowing her to come for Xmas day knowing you won't be able to stand her behaviour. It's a recipe for a huge family fall out.

Well who cares if saying something to her would make her embarrassed? She doesn't care that she embarrasses you and it sounds like maybe she needs to feel embarrassed. Really her husband should be saying it to her because clearly he knows its wrong and you shouldn't be the one put in that position but I would send a message in advance. Doesn't need to be rude or abrupt, just a can't wait to to see you for Christmas...... there'll be plenty of food but no doggy bags this year I'm afraid..... feel free to bring a desert/cheese etc....

Then if she does it again when she's there a simple 'No' or 'No remember, what we discussed?' and repeat.

But I'd rather get over the anxiety of it by sending the text now than waiting for it all day on Christmas day. Who cares if it embarrasses her honestly?

Have you actually told her that she's rude? Have you told your brother in law that her behaviour is seen as rude and also very odd and that you think he should be helping her, not brushing it under the carpet. She seems to have real issues that go beyond a lack of manners. BiL might think it's none of your business, but if it is affecting other people's enjoyment of occasions, it absolutely The easiest way for you to deal with it though, is simply not to invite them to anything.

I think you have 2 options tell her directly before Christmas that it needs to stop. Or wait till it occurs and discuss. It sounds like she has a problem. This isn’t normal behaviour. Did she grow up in poverty? I’d possibly warn bil but try nicely asking her why she does it because I think there is a bigger story here. But I’d still tell her no we don’t give things away when we are asked it’s not polite!

She gets embarrassed? Good. Go ahead and embarrass her - it's the only thing that'll stop her. Is she the type who would be embarrassed by you implying that she behaves this way because she's actually impoverished? Ask her if she's struggling to afford clothes (when she tries to nick the new cashmere jumper or whatever you were just given)? Ask if she's food insecure and refer her to the local food bank?

Or try:

"Do you not get fed enough at home, Jane?"

"Oh dear, she's at it again. Watch out everybody - this one'll have the gold fillings from your teeth if you yawn too wide".

(Clutching your new gift to your chest) "Bloody hell Jane, I sometimes wonder if I should check my jewellery box after you've left".

"Would you say you had issues with disordered eating, Jane? I used to work with someone who acted like this - always on a diet but seemed to think that food she hadn't made or ordered or bought herself didn't count. She'd come to work with no lunch but then nick some of everybody else's, and even take their stuff from the fridge without asking. Very ODD BEHAVIOUR".

Say it loud. Let it hang. Let it be awkward. For her.

This one!

Pull her up over her bad behaviour when she comes over and don’t invite them to family meals out, if anything is said, you just tell them straight they don’t pay their own way. Easy!

If the can I have this present thing comes up “eh I don’t think so Jane but I am sure Mary can tell you where she bought it if you want to get one yourself”

For the leftover “if anyone is having the leftovers Jane it will be the people that have cooked the meal but we would rather everyone enjoyed it now so eat up everyone”

And then there would be a bit of a hard stare to Jane if she tried to object

Act like a petulant child then be treated like one. I don’t think she is embarrassed at all, the BIL is but doesn’t want to address his wife’s behaviour

I think they both need to be told that it's not on. Her husband is enabling her behaviour. Do this in front of everyone.

I'm finding the PPs suggesting OP just say no in the moment or give a chippy response really annoying. I'm sure OP has tried all of the above if she's lying awake at 5am and wanting to rescind the invitation.

The SIL is obviously beyond normal societal responses or hints.

It annoys me in the same way people would suggest I just say no to my (then hoarder) DH bringing stuff into the house.

People like this have developed a huge resistance to polite hints, funny remarks or even a direct no.

I also don't agree with the suggestions not to invite them again and be content with that. Why should OP have her Christmas ruined?

I say phone BIL and tell him his choices are to issue strict instructions or don't come.

Fuck that for a game of soldiers. Just tell the cheeky mare “No, you can’t” and don’t invite her again.

Invite them to come as always.
then when she asks for your recently unwrapped gifts and asks for it reply with something such as “how rude to ask me to give you my gift that someone has thoughtfully chosen and given to me.”

Ditto when asking for food, reply with, “shall we just enjoy the meal now and if you don’t have enough food at home let us sort it out privately!” Or “rude again!”

For Christmas 🎄, gift this woman a recipe book with all your own recipes written in it if she likes them that much she can bloody cook them herself .
And as for the asking at the actual meal for the leftovers , say no we are saving that for lunches .
As for trying to take your own Christmas gifts say no I will use that ,perhaps you ought to put that on your Christmas wish list for 2025 .
She sounds awful

My god, she sounds very unwell. I think she herself would benefit from people telling her she can't have stuff for free, she needs to get back into the real world!

Every time she asks for something, say NO with a face that says "are you fucking mad?" Or even said this out loud to her.

Alternatively, laugh at her and say something like "here we go again, the Leftover Freebie Queen is doing her thing". Followed by "No, you fucking cant have anything, fuck off."

You beat me to it! I wax going to suggest exactly this.

Someone upthread suggested a copy of a book on etiquette. How about Delia's Christmas cookbook too as she'll probably be cooking herself next year

Christmas Day is supposed to be enjoyable. Your guests must feel so incredibly awkward being “monitored “ about how much they eat! Fuck that. I would uninvite her and explain why!

You and your guests can then enjoy Christmas Day dinner in a relaxing environment.

Hmm, doesn't sound like she's particularly embarrassed...!

Absolutely perfect ... in other words put the embarrassment back on her and explain how she's making others feel

She may well not care and you might even get tears, but if she storms off I'd say that's a win, and providing you stay calm when telling her you'll be in the clear

@Addyview She sounds deranged.
What a bloody cheek...She's a natural born scrounger on a good wage..

But did she know extreme poverty in childhood?
{unlikely} That's the only reason I can think of to explain away such grabby vulture like {as another PP said} behaviours.

I'd uninvite her.

Awful behaviour.

She sounds like she just doesn't care enough about seeing family. Does she ever host?

I would NOT be using a gentle tone I’d be using a tone of voice and sentence that is serious enough to cause an awkward silence
create that awkward moment and keep creating them ( politely and non aggressively) and her husband and her will eventually have words
do a Paddington bear stare and say “ please don’t say things like that it’s embarrassing then stare and pause “ it’s the pause that will make it awkward
Stare “ are you seriously asking me to say I don’t like this and give it to you ? “ ….pause …how do you think that would make ( giver of present ) feel? ….pause… if i didn’t like it I’d get a refund for me … wouldn’t I ? …Pause …. Stare

try to breath slowly in the awkward atmosphere

Be prepared for non of it to work …

i saw a documentary once about people who were pathologically tight like this and they needed a top notch therapist to help them and at the end they were still bad , it’s like hoarding it has deep roots and very hard to treat

next time you have a meal out make it very clear repeatedly to her “ this meal will cost you £60-80 roughly and you will be expected to pay don’t. Don’t come if you are going to fuss “