To Tell SIL To Stop Claiming Things?

[Addyview]

I've been with DH a very long time and we have a child together, I get on well with his brother but his brothers wife is another story. She's nice enough most of the time but makes a lot of situations very awkward because of how tight she is. Whenever she comes round if I offer her something to eat she says things like "Yes, can you also wrap some up for me to take home" no matter what it is! There's a million examples I can give but she basically won't pay for anything and is always on the scrounge.
My husbands brother earns a lot of money and so does his wife so its not like they ever struggle, BIL says its just who she is and does try to stop her.
Anyway on Christmas they're coming for dinner but last year was so uncomfortable because she basically laid claim to everything she saw. Every present she saw me open she was asking if she could have it if I didn't like it or when I was fed up of it, she was pointing at things on the dinner table saying she'd take the leftovers home and telling other guests to not eat it all! It really got on my nerves by the end of the day.
She's coming this year and me and DH are both in agreement that we need to say she can't behave like that because it makes everyone else awkward but BIL has asked us to leave it alone and just ignore her because she gets embarrassed. I'm half tempted to just cancel BIL and his wife altogether if I'm honest.
I'm several years into this womans impolite behaviour and it's casting a bit of a dark cloud over Christmas because I'm dreading her making everyone else feel uncomfortable when she starts! So to me my two options are ring her in the morning and tell her to not behave that way or uninvite them both and tell BIL why. I simply cannot have another Christmas day like last years.

'On Christmas I try to laugh it off and just say no when she asks for presents but it just goes further where she will then say its not my sort of thing and she'd get more out of it, '

If she does that, I'd just say, "Well, that's irrelevant because it's mine, not yours." But if you want to uninvite them, do it.

Text BIL to remind SIL not to ask for other peoples things or left overs.
also (from SIL saying she won’t pay for anything) ask for a £ contribution towards lunch as you always do it, or tell them what they need to bring eg wine, pudding, cheese and biscuits etc (and make sure you leave all the turkey for Boxing Day and gorge on what they do bring so there’s no left overs from their offerings to take back)

“BIL has asked us to leave it alone and just ignore her because she gets embarrassed.”

Good. She SHOULD be embarrassed by her behaviour.

Call her out.

The asking for the gifts if you don't want them is bizarre.

I really can’t wait for the Boxing Day update!

Absolutely just get your dh to speak to his brother and tell him to have a word with her first before them come.
I'd also just cut her off with ' only this again!' No you can't have my gifts and no you can't have our left overs are we are planning on living on them till new years. Queue tinkly laugh.

Try and brush over it and pretend you don’t think she’s serious.

If she asks for your gifts just laugh as if you think she is joking, it is such a ridiculous thing to say at the time of opening that you’d have to assume she was joking.

If she asks for leftovers just clarify, in a smiley and lighthearted way, to everyone around the table that they should eat as much as they like and not take SIL seriously. Big smile. If she asks again, maybe when there actually are leftovers and everyone has finished, say something like ‘oh don’t you worry, this won’t get wasted; I’m looking forward to xyz tomorrow’

She sounds deranged.

I would have a bag ready to shove all your presents into once you've unwrapped them and remove them from the living room (or wherever) immediately so that the magpie can't see them.

Telling your other guests not to eat your food is ridiculous. If she asks people to leave stuff, say: oh no it's fine, please help yourselves, we made it for everyone to enjoy.

What an insufferable cunt. Can you go away next christmas?

Please keep us updated how it goes OP!

Part of the problem is that her behaviour is so beyond the pale that nice people don’t want to embarrass her or have majorly awkward conversations, so they allow themselves to feel uncomfortable (like you, worrying in the early hours of the morning) rather than say anything. The one time someone did speak up, she acted like a victim.

She’s not poor or needy, she’s rude. Asking people for their presents is so cheeky, as is taking food from their homes in a bag when they haven’t offered it to her.

Nobody has been firm enough about any of this before but she now needs telling that her rude behaviour won’t be overlooked over any more just for the sake of not offending her.

I agree with @Tortielady that it’s going to need a ‘ripping off the sticking plaster’ approach for it to finally penetrate her very thick skin. And it needs to be done over the phone, so it’s effectively a neutral environment. Speak to BIL and say are looking forward to seeing him but you must let him know about a delicate situation that you’d like his help handling. You’ve reached a point where his wife’s behaviour around things which don’t belong to her / haven’t been offered to her is making her difficult to host as it seems nothing you provide is enough. Give examples: asking for extra gifts, extra food, removing items from your house. Tell him that it can’t be tolerated anymore so he’ll need to speak to her about this and get reassurances that she’ll conduct herself politely in your home or this will be the last chance you’ll offer to host her.

And then, hopefully, have a good night’s sleep knowing this will be the start of a change for the good. Either she won’t be a CF, or she won’t be coming again.

I would be very direct and loudly say 'what part of stop scrounging do you not understand' when the pouting and tears start, tell her to leave, with a preprepared shit sandwich as her doggy bag.
The reason she does it is because everyone lets her. At least they won't ask to come again.
Scroungers boil my piss.

You need to learn to be as brazen as she is. When she asks for something just say no.

Her: Can you save me some of that cheesecake to take home please?

You: No, we are planning on having it after supper tomorrow.

Her: Can I have that old air fryer now you've upgraded?

You: Well I was planning on selling it on marketplace for 30 quid, so if you'll give me 30 quid for it then fine. Otherwise I'm selling it.

Her: Please don't anyone eat the last of those sausage rolls, I want to take some home.

You: Tut SIL, what are you like?! (roll your eyes dramatically.) No your fine everyone, there here for you all to enjoy now. Eat as many as you like.

There is only one way to deal with cheeky, thick skinned people with no shame. Be as direct and blunt as they are.

Yes, your OH needs to get a grip and back you up. I have a sister with this kind of behaviour, not this petty and obvious though. It's a mental health issue enabled by her OH wanting a quiet life so ignoring it. Line in the sand today. Public calling out if she does it again. No future invitations. My local charity shop tells me it's astonishing how many people barter with them on the basis that the goods were free to them! (That's the ones that don't just walk out with them. They're not allowed to challenge and thieves know it )

That guarantee might be invalid. I have a lifetime of family experience in this area. Its a psychological issue, and like any addiction, unsolvable by others.

What's the deal OP? What's going to happen?

Essentially, she's a thief. A greedy thief.

DH are both in agreement that we need to say she can't behave like that because it makes everyone else awkward but BIL has asked us to leave it alone and just ignore her because she gets embarrassed.

So your DH has mentioned it to him in advance of them coming this Christmas and this was his response? Or is it something he's commented on in the past when you or DH have moaned about her?

*I'm half tempted to just cancel BIL and his wife altogether if I'm honest.
I'm several years into this womans impolite behaviour and it's casting a bit of a dark cloud over Christmas because I'm dreading her making everyone else feel uncomfortable when she starts! *

Well it's a bit late for that. You can't uninvite them now, that would be incredibly bad form. Also how the hell would you start to explain that? 'SIL we've been mulling it over and despite having a whole year to think about it, we've decided we don't like the way you behave at our house, so we are withdrawing the invitation of Christmas lunch at 2 days notice.'

So to me my two options are ring her in the morning and tell her to not behave that way or uninvite them both and tell BIL why. I simply cannot have another Christmas day like last years.

Option 1 is to shut her down the minute she starts, every single time. Be prepared for it and squash it the very second it starts, in the ways I described in my previous post.

Option 2 is get your DH to tell his brother in advance to tell her not to do it, because last year it pissed you off. If she still does it then revert to Option 1 and make a note not to invite them again. But you simply cannot uninvite them at this stage. That's very unreasonable.

She doesn't get embarrassed she has more front than Harrods. I bet she laughs her arse off about it, no one who gets embarrassed behaves like that. She is like a dog pissing on everything to claim it.

She is totally shameless. I'm cringing for you.
BIL is going along with it, so he is without shame as well
If it was just the food, you could say, no, that's there for everyone not just you but as she's like this with presents too, I'd Uninvite them both and have DH tell them why. Grabby bitch.
It's part of her personality now, so she won't stop and why should you be on edge waiting for her behaviour to appear?
Hell no

Why does it matter that it’s “bad form” to cancel ?

These people have demonstrated over and over again they have no time for the manners and niceties that oil the wheels of friendship.

Why should any courtesy be extended to them at all ?

People like this SIL only behave like they do because other people let them and don’t want to cause a scene or a fuss.

Fuck that. Tell them they’re no longer welcome. What’s the worst that can happen ? If they go NC well it’s no great loss and if they slate the OP and her family I suspect anyone who knows the situation will be silently applauding that FINALLY someone has had the balls to do something.

She very manipulative, she has learnt when someone says something outright to stop scrounging to cry, so her H sticks up for her, so her behaviour goes unchecked. Everyone will be embarrassed and feel uncomfortable mixing with her @Addyview so if she can’t guarentee she won’t scrounge Christmas Day you have only one option to uninvite them.
When you arrange family meals out and they ask for an invite I’d be straight and tell them everyone is paying for their own meal so you naturally assumed they would refuse to pay so they weren’t invited.
Bullocks to pussy footing around them!

I wouldn’t cancel this late but I would nip her comments in the bud the first time she does it this year.

You can't uninvite them now, that would be incredibly bad form.

bollocks to that. of course you can. Bad form is what SiL does. TBH bad form was OPs DH inviting them again without making it clear this behaviour is to stop.

Your husband calls his brother and says : -

" We enjoy having family over for Christmas but if your wife behaves the way she did last year it will be the last time she's invited. Asking for other people's gifts and telling people not to eat too much so she can take leftovers home is not on. Please make sure it doesn't happen this year. "

I don't think they like profanity on this site, so I will have to use a polite euphemism. I will quote what my Daddy used to tell us four children before we went anywhere:

#1 Don't ask me for (st!)
#2 Don't take (st) that ain't yours
#3 If you ain't buying it with your own money, its staying here!
#4 If we did want something he would ask "You got some XYZ money?!" If not he would default to #3 above.

So what you can do is channel my Daddy and tell her when she walks in the door "don't ask for s*t and you ain't taking s*t with you when you leave. If that's a problem, you can just leave now." And I would not care what anyone thought about it cause it's MY house and MY stuff and MY damn nerves!!