To Tell SIL To Stop Claiming Things?

[Addyview]

I've been with DH a very long time and we have a child together, I get on well with his brother but his brothers wife is another story. She's nice enough most of the time but makes a lot of situations very awkward because of how tight she is. Whenever she comes round if I offer her something to eat she says things like "Yes, can you also wrap some up for me to take home" no matter what it is! There's a million examples I can give but she basically won't pay for anything and is always on the scrounge.
My husbands brother earns a lot of money and so does his wife so its not like they ever struggle, BIL says its just who she is and does try to stop her.
Anyway on Christmas they're coming for dinner but last year was so uncomfortable because she basically laid claim to everything she saw. Every present she saw me open she was asking if she could have it if I didn't like it or when I was fed up of it, she was pointing at things on the dinner table saying she'd take the leftovers home and telling other guests to not eat it all! It really got on my nerves by the end of the day.
She's coming this year and me and DH are both in agreement that we need to say she can't behave like that because it makes everyone else awkward but BIL has asked us to leave it alone and just ignore her because she gets embarrassed. I'm half tempted to just cancel BIL and his wife altogether if I'm honest.
I'm several years into this womans impolite behaviour and it's casting a bit of a dark cloud over Christmas because I'm dreading her making everyone else feel uncomfortable when she starts! So to me my two options are ring her in the morning and tell her to not behave that way or uninvite them both and tell BIL why. I simply cannot have another Christmas day like last years.

You could take the nuclear option and say, well SIL, you remember when you told us you’d rather us not invite you than for you to fork out any money or share? So, make your own plans for Christmas.

I can guarantee she’ll never do it again.

Why stop there? When you empty the kitchen bin, give her the bag to take home. Empty the leftovers from everyone's glass into a wine bottle and hand it to her. The possibilities are endless.

If she’s aware of it, and sees it this way, I would be having very firm words with her or the BIL and say they are not welcome if she thinks she can treat your family this way. You are being a generous host, how dare she attempt to knowingly get as much material value out of it as possible?! If they do come and she carries this on, I’d be directly pointing out that this is a horrible character trait.

My god, that sounds dreadful. I hope the conversation goes well and you manage a lovely Christmas

I would wait until everyone arrives then ask for silence as you have something to say
“ Just letting you know that I’m not giving away leftovers to be taken home so don’t scrimp, have your fill and if anything is left we are eating it tomorrow .
Oh and while I’m at it, I’m not giving my Christmas gifts away either SIL.. Ok ? Great all enjoy. Cheers “
Hopefully your other guests will call her out if she doesn’t follow your request . If she carries on tell her she’s not invited next year.

I have come across someone like this before and tbh I came to think that it wasn’t the actual scrounging that was the issue. They seemed to enjoy other people’s discomfort. That they were ‘brave’ and ‘out there’ enough to ask what others wouldn’t. Massive self esteem issue deep down I think. It is also controlling behaviour as they are imposing their drama on a situation? A situation that they make about themselves? After many years of keeping quiet I decided to be quite brutal in the end and say I found it rather boring- not hysterical or awkward- just boring? That seemed to work… and then a few years after that my friend dumped them …

I would start by telling BIL and SIL not to do any of this claiming and begging this year. If they argue it then I’d tell them they are uninvited

Tell them they are not invited because you want to enjoy your mas with your family without the parasite.

She's worse than a bin bag full of maggots

Agree
Just be completely upfront - there’s no handing out leftovers or presents so please don’t ask. Get BIL to talk to her beforehand but also say it to her when she arrives.

Call it out every time - we asked you not to ask for presents/leftovers

If she still persists then stop inviting her and tell her why. She’s ruining it for everyone.

@godmum56 No. She has no rug perfume nor picnic. Hence the unhappy experience and empathy for the op and why she now goes elsewhere!!

Just tell her no. I find it bizarre that you can do something as bold as uninvite family to Christmas but don't have the balls to answer Grabby Grabberson with "no".

So she has actually given you permission to disinvite her, in an obtuse way: would she prefer not to attend if she has to stop asking for stuff and knows in advance she cannot have leftovers?

Your update shows how much BIL is enabling her. I would cancel them. If she she won’t respond to being told no and he is not prepared to tell her to stop then why should your put up with it? Don’t have them over - they are both antisocial.

Hope you can resolve it OP.

Is this your SIL….

www.facebook.com/share/r/1HTSyS6Cqq/?mibextid=wwXIfr

No need to say anything beforehand. The first time she does it, just say no. Repeat as necessary. Make it clear that you won’t be giving her any leftovers as you want them yourself.

"Annabelle, please don’t keep asking me for things! It’s embarrassing."

Years ago a close friend had a boyfriend like this, we called it an 'eternal student' mentally. But none of us were like that and the core group had met as students. We hated it. On holiday in shared villa one of the girls flipped, she said 'Stop begging. It's embarassing, you're like a slobbering fucking Labrador and we are all sick of it'. He tried to laugh it off and then got defensive, to be fair he stopped but they broke up soon after.

You need to take control and your DH is not dealing with this and it's still a problem. I think you need to send her a text saying. See you 11 and please DO NOT ASK for anything, food, leftovers, presents we don't like it. That way, she is not embarassed as it's not in a public setting but she knows the score. If she ignores the request use the 'Stop begging you're like a slobbering labrador line'

Ah I see we have another “I’ve never witnessed this so therefore it can’t have happened”

If your manager is going to be there NONE of these suggestions of “calling out” or saying no are going to work.

I suspect it’s part of the reason you’re so worried because of how it will look to him/her.

You need to uninvite her and do it now. Tell your DH to phone and say that you cannot have SIL there because her behaviour is too embarrassing and you’re all tired of pandering to her. Don’t be put off, don’t accept promises that she will behave and put your foot down. The supermarkets are all open this evening and tomorrow so they can do their own thing.

Why do you care about what these people think ? They do not care one jot about you so return the favour. If they cut you off then, really, what loss is it anyway?

I'd have a very difficult time hiding my annoyance with her, and tbh, I think I'd stop trying. I'd either openly laugh/roll my eyes, say 'no' to all her weird requests (or demands), or simply pretend I didn't hear her. Well, that's what I'd like to do; not sure I'd manage it in the moment, so strong is the urge to avoid awkwardness. But only reading the opening post inspired fantasies of slapping her, so maybe it would be only too easy to fight rudeness with rudeness!

BIL needs to accept that his wife's behaviour is unbearably rude, awkward, and unacceptable, and as such, it will elicit negative responses. That's how people learn not to be a menace to society: Negative responses teach us to do better.

This! No fannying about. Just no. Don't argue, negotiate, tread carefully etc. If you upset them then remind them a refusal often offends and they can find their way out. Just leave the food, crackers, nuts and silverware.

I think you are thinking too. Much about this. When she turns up, say very clearly and loudly that today is a no scrounge day. She is not to ask for left overs, doggy bags or unwanted presents as it’s not in the spirit of Christmas and it’s quite off putting. Then ask her what she wants for a drink and move on with the day.

She is badly mannered but get in there first and then carry on. If she then scrounges again remind her of what you said and always refuse her anything extra.

Then never invite her to yours again

"She's coming this year and me and DH are both in agreement that we need to say she can't behave like that because it makes everyone else awkward but BIL has asked us to leave it alone and just ignore her because she gets embarrassed."
So BIL is a problem too. And either deluded or a liar, because this women is embarrassed by nothing.

I would probably start taking great delight in being rude to her. I wouldn't just say 'no', I'd be saying 'Hell no, you greedy cow!' with a look of disgust on my face. And I wouldn't care about anything BIL said, because he's facilitating her shit.

But really - I would not have invited her, and told her why. There's still time to rescind the invite - do that.

What was her upbringing like?
Was there food insecurity for example?

Mental health issue? She’s just tight and greedy.