To Tell SIL To Stop Claiming Things?

[Addyview]

I've been with DH a very long time and we have a child together, I get on well with his brother but his brothers wife is another story. She's nice enough most of the time but makes a lot of situations very awkward because of how tight she is. Whenever she comes round if I offer her something to eat she says things like "Yes, can you also wrap some up for me to take home" no matter what it is! There's a million examples I can give but she basically won't pay for anything and is always on the scrounge.
My husbands brother earns a lot of money and so does his wife so its not like they ever struggle, BIL says its just who she is and does try to stop her.
Anyway on Christmas they're coming for dinner but last year was so uncomfortable because she basically laid claim to everything she saw. Every present she saw me open she was asking if she could have it if I didn't like it or when I was fed up of it, she was pointing at things on the dinner table saying she'd take the leftovers home and telling other guests to not eat it all! It really got on my nerves by the end of the day.
She's coming this year and me and DH are both in agreement that we need to say she can't behave like that because it makes everyone else awkward but BIL has asked us to leave it alone and just ignore her because she gets embarrassed. I'm half tempted to just cancel BIL and his wife altogether if I'm honest.
I'm several years into this womans impolite behaviour and it's casting a bit of a dark cloud over Christmas because I'm dreading her making everyone else feel uncomfortable when she starts! So to me my two options are ring her in the morning and tell her to not behave that way or uninvite them both and tell BIL why. I simply cannot have another Christmas day like last years.

When she walks in "Nail everything down, the scrounger is here!!!"

This. I find people who brag about getting free stuff etc really nauseating and it makes me feel uncomfortable. The BIL says she would feel embarrassed but isn’t she embarrassed with her behaviour at Christmas etc? Outrageous for sure!

How odd. And does sound extreme.

I agree that at her first request, you should knock it on the head with ‘We will be using these left overs for later meals’ and then ‘There won’t be any spares for you to take…please don’t ask again’
And keep repeating the last phrase if she asks again.

I’d be interested to hear how this goes OP. Hope you’re able to put a stop to it. If not, something gins v concerning about this behaviour as it’s not normal.

How extraordinary. She sounds like a character from a Dickens novel.

Just say : sorry SIL, no dibs, we need to share with everyone
Reply as needed/ until she gets the message

Buy everyone a small pet. Anything from the rodent family perhaps. ‘I know what you’re thinking Mary, and this year you’re right. This isn’t my style at all, I insist you take these chinchillas/Guinea pigs/rats. No I won’t hear of it, Mary. Now is not the time for polite refusals. I can see you’re secretly delighted. Oh, Mary, you look like you’re getting emotional. You’re so welcome to these gifts. A lot of thought went into them.’ 😂
Obviously, pets are not for Christmas, I know.

I would send them both a WhatsApp (maybe with your dh in the group as well so she knows that both of them also know the score) and say "just a heads up that if there are any leftovers they will not be available for you to take home. My priority is ensuring everyone enjoys the Christmas feast, but if there is anything left over then I have a few recipes I'm planning to try out." If she makes any comments during the meal just flat tell her "absolutely not".

Open your presents with an "oh I'm so excited about this... I absolutely love it! This is exactly what I need" or similar, or be prepared/have you dh prepped to tell her she is being ridiculous and she has her own presents if she tries to lay claim to yours

A sharp 'no!' and a tap on the nose with a rolled-up newspaper should put a stop to her nonsense.

Apologies for not reading the whole thread-yet- but what would happen if someone asked for one of her gifts? ‘I’ll take the Chanel number 5 off your hands Mary’?
And what gifts does she buy for the guests and hosts?

Call her and say you want to discuss this privately before the day because it is making it very uncomfortable for everyone.

Her behaviour sounds so extreme that to me it seems like she might have a form of scarcity anxiety. She doesn't have to have come from a poor background to have this - but might have had some childhood trauma around the availability of resources. I honestly couldn't get worked up about it but I can see how it would be annoying to others. I'm really comfortable saying no and would just accept this as a quirk. It's causing no real harm to others. To me it would be like dealing with a rather forward child. Annoying but not worth causing any major family issues.

The BIL says she would feel embarrassed but isn’t she embarrassed with her behaviour at Christmas etc?

Well, its embarrassing us, so I am going to go with not being embarrassed in my own house.

Sorry, edited to say that would be my response to BIL

Not RTFT but a loud and incredulous laugh every time, along with, “Can you stop trying to help yourself to my stuff?!”

Shes fucking rude; it’s OK to be outraged.

Her behaviour sounds very strange, and certainly not normal.

I'd be wondering if she came from a background of insecurity? Early childhood traumas can run incredibly deep.

There's your answer then

Don't invite her

I'd be tempted to tell them that she does it once & they can leave-and follow it through.

This is one of the oddest things I’ve read online.

Point it out to her - “gosh Mary you know it’s not normal to ask someone for their gift/food etc”

And tell your BIL in advance that it just can’t happen, if she ask in his presence he need to tell her to stop

Why would it embarrass you?

What's their home like OP?

Is she a hoarder or something?

So weird and rude.

I mean you can't say something because she's embarrassed?

I'd crack a few one liners to "no scrubs" tune..

"No I'm not giving you my gifts, no, I'm not giving you mine and no, I'm not giving you Turkey no and none of my wine"

"No I'm not giving you my gifts, no, I'm not giving you mine and no, I'm not giving you Turkey no and none of my wine

Genius! Can you suggest a bit of post dinner karaoke OP?

Yes, didnt not do a good post there, did I?

What I meant was - I would say to BIL it needs to stop, and if he said it would embarrass SIL to be called out on her behaviour, I would tell him that it was embarrassing for me to be put on the spot like this, or to have a guest in my house behave so poorly. So in a toss up between her being embarrassed by me speaking up, and me being embarrassed by her behaving as usual, I would be going with her being embarrassed.

I would
a/ message BIL and SIL saying
this year we are operating a

NO LEFT OVERS POlICY
please don’t ask as the answer will be a definite NO

I would then post the above notice in the house and on the table .
Her behaviour needs tackling head on and if she’s embarrassed it’s working!

Maybe it’s the same person 😂😂

You tell BIL very clearly that he is to tell her not to do this, prior to them coming over. and if he hasn't, or she ignores him - you will be saying "Stop it SIL you are being an annoying TWAT" every time.

And that if she does it more than twice, she will be asked to leave.

Every present she saw me open she was asking if she could have it if I didn't like it or when I was fed up of it, she was pointing at things on the dinner table saying she'd take the leftovers home and telling other guests to not eat it all!

Ducking hell. 😨😨😨

Make sure you count the teaspoons before she comes, @Addyview.

She's a thief in plain view.