To Tell SIL To Stop Claiming Things?

[Addyview]

I've been with DH a very long time and we have a child together, I get on well with his brother but his brothers wife is another story. She's nice enough most of the time but makes a lot of situations very awkward because of how tight she is. Whenever she comes round if I offer her something to eat she says things like "Yes, can you also wrap some up for me to take home" no matter what it is! There's a million examples I can give but she basically won't pay for anything and is always on the scrounge.
My husbands brother earns a lot of money and so does his wife so its not like they ever struggle, BIL says its just who she is and does try to stop her.
Anyway on Christmas they're coming for dinner but last year was so uncomfortable because she basically laid claim to everything she saw. Every present she saw me open she was asking if she could have it if I didn't like it or when I was fed up of it, she was pointing at things on the dinner table saying she'd take the leftovers home and telling other guests to not eat it all! It really got on my nerves by the end of the day.
She's coming this year and me and DH are both in agreement that we need to say she can't behave like that because it makes everyone else awkward but BIL has asked us to leave it alone and just ignore her because she gets embarrassed. I'm half tempted to just cancel BIL and his wife altogether if I'm honest.
I'm several years into this womans impolite behaviour and it's casting a bit of a dark cloud over Christmas because I'm dreading her making everyone else feel uncomfortable when she starts! So to me my two options are ring her in the morning and tell her to not behave that way or uninvite them both and tell BIL why. I simply cannot have another Christmas day like last years.

This would drive me mad. Can you and everybody in your home’s answer be ‘I find that really rude’ every single time she tries to scrounge? Just eww though… I’d really not want to be in your situation.

I can possibly, if I really stretch my imagination and forgiveness, understand asking for food leftovers.

But to ask for someone else's presents immediately after they are unwrapped? That's very strange and concerning behaviour.

If she wants to make this charming trait her whole personality, I think you should all get on board. Make jokes about how shameless she is every time she asks.

"Stop begging for our scraps, Sally. You absolute trash panda."

Off the back of a PP's "Are you a seagull?" remark, get the whole family to imitate the Finding Nemo seagulls.

Have you ever been tempted to wrap everyone an absolutely awful gift, say, a half used shower gel, an old bag for life, pickled herrings… and have everyone unwrap them then hand them straight to SIL: ‘I assume you’ll want this gift too Mary?’ Just to see whether she accepts?
Im joking of course, no ganging up on her. There’s been some great advice from PPs. Good luck and please update us.

I’m liking the idea of using it to your advantage.

‘Don’t worry Grabby Gertie I’ll box up plenty of leftovers for you!”

Scrape everyone’s leftovers into a Chinese takeaway box before you put the plates in the dishwasher. Strip the turkey and wrap the carcass in foil. Put it all into a carrier a bag and hand it to her when she leaves “Here you are!”

Saves filling your own bin up.

First mention of leftovers being taken - say loudly and firmly - no, I need this for our dinner tomorrow, dropping them to a friend, have guests - whatever you you think best. Next mention of it - loudly and firmly, I said no. Next mention - ignore. Going home time and she asks - I already said no.

Trying to nab gifts - first mention - I’m keeping all my gifts. Next request for them - completely ignore.

She sounds ill actually.

Ffs SIL give it a rest, you're coming across as really grabby!!!

My Mum died a few years ago, and at her funeral there was a woman that I didn't recognise.
"Hello, how do you know Mum?"

"Oh I don't, I'm just here for the afternoon tea, Anne invited me". Anne was a woman my mum loathed, but she'd go to every village funeral, no matter whose.

I got the hotel staff to remove the pair of them, before the tea was served. Just said they needed to clear out as they weren't known to Mum. Anne actually tried to grab a plate of food as she was escorted out.

I'm still gobsmacked, years later.

Your SIL would do that, too, wouldn't she?

Greedy Labrador! 🤣🤣🤣🤣 brilliant!!!

"you absolute trash-panda." 😆😆😆😆

Trash-pandas, ie raccoons, are however, a lot cuter than greedy, grabby relatives.

Trash panda 😄

She sounds like a chancer. She has probably blown everything away on gambling and now has to beg, in order to survive.

I understand your frustration, but handling difficult family members is an inevitable part of Christmas. I had an aunt who could be charming but also quite unpleasant, for reasons unknown. We used to be deeply offended by her but we eventually decided not to let her spiteful remarks affect us anymore. We even created a game called "Aunty Sally Lotto," where we would win prizes for being on the receiving end of her insults. She is no longer with us, but I do miss her and her antics.

Maybe you could do something similar with your SIL, with prizes for people whose presents she wants, the person whose dish she wants to take home and so on.

This^

Even chuck in some scrunched up wrapping paper and an empty cracker (not the Jacobs ones) just for that extra festive theme.

@Addyview You've had people on here suggesting all kinds of passive aggressive tactics to use on her, mostly to amuse themselves I suspect, but it's unlikely it'll work on someone like this.

She's hard-headed, disrespectful, doesn't mind steam-rolling all over you, doesn't mind the discomfort this makes people feel as long as she gets what she wants. These people don't respond or respect boundaries or attempts to negotiate politely.

If you have a serious issue with her, then I'd basically tell her she is to stop behaving like this. She is not to ask for a SINGLE thing, from anyone - not a single leftover, sweets, somebody else's present - NOTHING. If she does, she will be either asked to leave, or at the very least, she will not be invited to the next Christmas.

Expect sulking or trying to argue with you, but don't enter into any attempts at negotiations. Say what you have to say, lay out your terms, and the stick to them.

She may be shocked at your hard response, and she may not want to go through the indignity of actually behaving, so she might uninvite herself..... which will be a win for you anyway!

Next year, the entire family should conspire to buy each other nothing but donations to the Donkey Sanctuary so there is literally nothing for her to beg for.

I'd tell you to joke that she'd better not be planning to clear out the food bank on her way home. But I don't want to give her any ideas.

I think it actually helps that she's so ridiculous and so rude, it makes it easier to call out every time. There's nothing subtle about her so you don't need to be subtle back.
Yes get DH to make the call to make it clear that this is not ok and it won't be tolerated again. If they still come and she does start this shit again then point out her shocking behaviour every time.
No, of course you can't have the present I literally just opened that DH chose for me.
Stop telling my guests what they can eat, crack on everyone.
No, the leftovers are our food for the week.
You're being very rude to keep asking.
Stop it.
No.

Can't you just say re the leftovers, "Nope, I'm saving those for tomorrow's lunch"? And keep repeating similar for her other requests? She sounds awful.

She needs someone to be brutally honest with her. If she still doesn’t care, there’s something very wrong with that and I’d stay far away from her.

I'm going to go against the grain and say give her leftovers....BUT... the leftovers would be whatever I have scraped off everyone's plates into a sandwich bag plus some porridge/toast/breakfast scraps in with it and just hand it to her all mushed up in the bag and say' we had some breakfast leftovers too and I know how much you hate waste so enjoy!' Then honestly don't invite her next year

Extra points if you scrape the leftovers into the bag infront of her

Good luck with the phone call. Remember you're doing nothing wrong. You're doing something good for everyone's sake actually.

Yes, this is how I would handle it.

"No, I won't be giving you any of my presents, stop asking, it's inappropriate and entitled."

"I'm making it clear now that no one will be taking home leftovers, they are for my household to eat over the next few days. Stop asking."

"Don't be ridiculous, everyone eat up. You (SIL) aren't taking leftovers home."

It is utterly, utterly ridiculous. I'm glad your DH is having a pre-emptive word.

I actually think you can (and should) hninvite them today. The shops are open tomorrow and if they have the money they do, buying food for one day won’t be an issue. You also need to be clear about why. There is no point giving one last chance, spoiling your Christmas and making everyone uncomfortable.

the alternative (and my preference) is that you or you husband (because you are both adults and you should be able to stand up for yourself and not need your husband to speak to his brother!), call the brother in law and say you have recently come down with an affliction that means anytime that someone tries to claim something (food or presents etc) you ring a bell and shout grabby at the top of your voice. You can say that it is terribly difficult but there’s not much to do about it and please don’t raise it because you are so embarrassed. Behave terribly and calm her out in this fashion every time she does it… if your guests are up for it they should do the same (because it’s catching!). No I do appreciate this norders on bullying, but she is a late 30’s high earning woman who should know better. If she gets arsey you could reach an agreement that you will stop when she does.

your BiL may think you should accept her behaviour, but it’s not normal and frankly disrespectful and rude.

Make a big scene of carefully folding up your wrapping paper after opening each gift whilst loudly announcing, “Just folding this paper up as neatly as I can for you Mary, for you to take with you when you go!”