To Tell SIL To Stop Claiming Things?

[Addyview]

I've been with DH a very long time and we have a child together, I get on well with his brother but his brothers wife is another story. She's nice enough most of the time but makes a lot of situations very awkward because of how tight she is. Whenever she comes round if I offer her something to eat she says things like "Yes, can you also wrap some up for me to take home" no matter what it is! There's a million examples I can give but she basically won't pay for anything and is always on the scrounge.
My husbands brother earns a lot of money and so does his wife so its not like they ever struggle, BIL says its just who she is and does try to stop her.
Anyway on Christmas they're coming for dinner but last year was so uncomfortable because she basically laid claim to everything she saw. Every present she saw me open she was asking if she could have it if I didn't like it or when I was fed up of it, she was pointing at things on the dinner table saying she'd take the leftovers home and telling other guests to not eat it all! It really got on my nerves by the end of the day.
She's coming this year and me and DH are both in agreement that we need to say she can't behave like that because it makes everyone else awkward but BIL has asked us to leave it alone and just ignore her because she gets embarrassed. I'm half tempted to just cancel BIL and his wife altogether if I'm honest.
I'm several years into this womans impolite behaviour and it's casting a bit of a dark cloud over Christmas because I'm dreading her making everyone else feel uncomfortable when she starts! So to me my two options are ring her in the morning and tell her to not behave that way or uninvite them both and tell BIL why. I simply cannot have another Christmas day like last years.

You're as wicked as I am, fun isn't it!!!!

It is 100% the BIL that is embarassed. SIL has zero shame and crying when she’s called out just proves this further. I would start with “I want doesn’t get” and then get progressively harsher as the day goes on. Purposefully announce at the start of the meal that everyone is to eat their fill and you want to see no leftovers. Light heartedly of course. Then if SIL says she wants to take some home point out, loudly, she didn’t bring any of this food, and/or that she can take home any leftovers of what she did bring.

If BIL says anything in her defence stand your ground. “You can’t possibly think it’s acceptable to swarm around someone else’s Christmas gifts like a starved hyena, can you!? Christmas is for everyone to enjoy and receive, not just SIL. If she hasn’t learned how to behave she won’t ever be invited again.”

I ahven't read all of the replies, but to me this is not one you address in advance - that's just causing upset - but rather, as other posters hav said, like a child being taught lessons. "No SIL, this is MY gift. I am NOT going to give it to you." "No SIL, you can't have these leftovers, they are for our family". "No SIL, everyone can eat as much as they like."

We had a somewhat similar situation with exBIL in that part of his manipulation and control of SIL was to cause an argument before they came over, and then for HIM to act like he was upset etc. His goal was to make HER look like the baddy - if asked, he say soemthing like, "Oh, sorry, I just need to shake it off but SIL can be really harsh sometimes" or something passive aggressive. So DH and i started treating him like a rude teenager. He'd turn up and barely greet anyone and we'd say, "HI! Hello - yes, nice ot see you" in a slightly sarcastic way.

It worked. He stopped turning up and being sulky at our house. It didnt stop any of his overall shitty behaviour, but at least we stopped having to deal with that!

I think the only way to tackle this is for DH to ring his brother and say, everyone finds Mary's grabbiness really awkward and particularly as Addy's boss will be joining us this year, can you please tell her NOT to ask for other people's presents/leftovers and try to limit what others can eat to allow for more leftovers for her? And give him the heads up that she will be pushed back every single time she does it, so if she doesn't want to be embarrassed, just don't fucking do it. And, furthermore, she'll never be invited to another meal at yours if she does.

it sounds as though things have gone beyond the jokey responses and tinkly laughs. how would it go if you and husband had speakerphone conversation with her and bil, not to say she shouldn't do this or that but to tell her that this behaviour is spoiling it for and embarrassing everyone else? depending on what she says they can come or not come but it is your and husband's choice. Then follow up with a text confirming what's been agreed that you can forward to her at any further hint of this frankly astonishing behaviour.

I disagree that she shouldn’t be tackled, but if subtlety would work on her then maybe the recipe book idea is a good one, and light hearted answers (if they don’t work, then be more direct/blunt).

She'll be embarrasse! is he having a laugh-the woman is a scrounger

id be plating up indivually an not putting out anything if it helps then put away all your leftovers

She sounds unbearable.
Aside from uninviting her, it seems the only weapon that might have an impact is her "embarrassment" at being told not scrounge, though she sounds so thick skinned it must have quite a high bar.

So to everything she asks for/demands you say "NO, stop scrounging!", like she is a naughty labrador begging for scraps. Rinse and repeat. perhaps also consider rapping her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper

My sister once had a friend like that (not for long thank goodness). She'd turn up and start looking around our house and if she spotted something she liked she'd announce "oo I'm taking this home, finders keepers". My sister had to actually remove things from her hands and tell her she couldn't have it - it wasn't "lost" and she hadn't "found" it. This was mean and unwelcoming of her apparently!

The drama of uninviting at this stage would be too much for me so I’d go with a hard stare and ‘you do know you are being incredibly rude and inappropriate don’t you?’, then if she tried it again - ‘rude again, enough of that’ and as someone said above a final straw of ‘SIL you are ruining my Christmas, stop it or leave. Food is for eating today and any leftovers are staying here for the chef’ Do not invite them next year, everyone will know why!

Laugh at anything and everything she tries to claim.
“I’ll take the leftover Turkey” Laugh oh Susie you’re not on the breadline are you, don’t be silly. Susie, you’re not going to starve tomorrow.
Then when she’s leaving give her one biscuit, elaborately wrapped and just say ‘ so you don’t starve on the way home”
Then never invite her again. She’s very strange.

Strip the turkey for yourself and then give her the carcass to take home.

Surely the old Mumsnet adage of "Are you on glue?" would suffice for this situation?

Get your DH to speak to his brother and be VERY CLEAR

BIL needs to stop SIL vulturing or you will have no choice but to pull her up in front of everyone and not in a 'jokey way'. BIL needs to understand that SIL's 'embarrassment' is a by-product of HER behaviour and not your problem. You are embarrased by her. she makes everyone feel uncomfortable. It's not funny or in any way acceptable and it's on him to speak to her.

If she does start up, I'd give her one chance - along the lines of "oh we spoke about this - no vultures this Christmas thank you!" and if she carries on, I'd be really forthright.

"No - you are not 'earmarking' food/gifts for yourself. This is our stuff and you are not taking it home. Now please stop as you are making everyone uncomfortable"

What she calls 'left-overs' aren't, though, are they. You've planned to eat them the next day.

Maybe you could offer her any actual left-overs from people's plates and everyone can then scrape what they haven't eaten onto her plate - so a couple of bits of roast potato, some fat from the meat, a turkey bone, a few peas, couple of shreds of cabbage and some gravy with bits in it.

As others have suggested I wonder if there are some mental health issues (recognise or unrecognised) going on. It sounds difficult to manage.
Can you have an open and curious chat with BiL so he doesn’t get defensive. Maybe ask him how he manages the behaviour in other situations, or how she adapts at work?
It could be helpful to agree a set simple phrase to remind her of boundaries eg ‘no, that’s not appropriate’ or ‘you have yours, this is for x’

This. OP you can even use this expression if BIL kicks off trying to defend her when you ring - "it can't be all her way, she can't get to create an awkward atmosphere for us and our guests and then you say we're not to mention it! I'm mentioning it!"

TBH I'd just withdraw the invite, but tell them why, then they are at least clear about the reason, and to be fair, it's what she said she wanted, to not be invited if she can't freeload!

Is she autistic? I don’t mean that rude , but she sounds almost obsessed with doing this and surely can’t see how socially unacceptable this is. I work with autistic adults and have an autistic child and this is similar to the type of things I’ve witnessed - not exact - but just the lack of a social filter / awareness of others reaction / feelings .

im not surprised this is weighing heavily on you , it would make me feel so awkward .

Love this. “Right everyone! Mary said she wants all of the leftovers. Now that we’re all finished, please do scrape what’s left on your plate into this Chinese takeaway box for Mary to take with her when she goes.” Then perhaps a sympathetic, “So sorry to hear you’ve fallen on such hard times this year,” head sympathetically tilted.

Objectively hilarious and disarming.

”Can I have your gift?”
“Is it crack you’re smoking, Brenda?”

Make sure not to use her actual name, too. It’s just funnier that way.

Put less on the table is the answer.

I worked with someone like this… sooo cheeky and barefaced, it was breathtaking!!
she used to pester to come round to my house and “go through my clothes” to have what I apparently didn’t want!! 😲
She latched on to a nice couple and practically rinsed them of everything bar what they stood up in! They kept bringing stuff in cos she’d asked for it and I overheard the man saying, “there’s nothing left now” to her. So she dropped them!!! Got herself invited to parties, weddings etc for the free food and took the entire family to the evening do ‘for their tea’ When the Coca Cola Xmas lorry came to town, she hit the security men cos they stopped her grabbing everything! Made the local paper with that one..!
She was something else…

I think this is occupying way too much of your headspace.
I’d get your DH to call - it’s his family- and simply say her behaviour isn’t acceptable and she will need to leave your house if it happens again. And never be invited again
The end.

BiL says not to mention it because she will be embarrassed? Well bloody good- she should be embarrassed. She carried on with this selfish bizarre behaviour because she always gets away with it.

Every time she asks say loudly into the air not looking at her ‘no begging for food plz’ ‘no begging plzzzz’
‘no harassing guests for food PLZ’ like you would to a greedy labrador.

Thinking of you making that phone call OP. Well done for standing up to this CF bully.