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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To Tell SIL To Stop Claiming Things?

761 replies

Addyview · 23/12/2024 04:03

I've been with DH a very long time and we have a child together, I get on well with his brother but his brothers wife is another story. She's nice enough most of the time but makes a lot of situations very awkward because of how tight she is. Whenever she comes round if I offer her something to eat she says things like "Yes, can you also wrap some up for me to take home" no matter what it is! There's a million examples I can give but she basically won't pay for anything and is always on the scrounge.
My husbands brother earns a lot of money and so does his wife so its not like they ever struggle, BIL says its just who she is and does try to stop her.
Anyway on Christmas they're coming for dinner but last year was so uncomfortable because she basically laid claim to everything she saw. Every present she saw me open she was asking if she could have it if I didn't like it or when I was fed up of it, she was pointing at things on the dinner table saying she'd take the leftovers home and telling other guests to not eat it all! It really got on my nerves by the end of the day.
She's coming this year and me and DH are both in agreement that we need to say she can't behave like that because it makes everyone else awkward but BIL has asked us to leave it alone and just ignore her because she gets embarrassed. I'm half tempted to just cancel BIL and his wife altogether if I'm honest.
I'm several years into this womans impolite behaviour and it's casting a bit of a dark cloud over Christmas because I'm dreading her making everyone else feel uncomfortable when she starts! So to me my two options are ring her in the morning and tell her to not behave that way or uninvite them both and tell BIL why. I simply cannot have another Christmas day like last years.

OP posts:
Enterthedragonqueen · 23/12/2024 11:26

Also, get your dh to ask his brother if they're broke and financially struggling because he's noticed his wife begging all the time. Just start shaming her husband into getting her to behave or declining invitations.

Silvertulips · 23/12/2024 11:27

It's a bit late in the day to rescinded the invite

It’s not too late! Shops are open. I have brought Christmas dinner yet, I will be doing so tomorrow!!

She’ll have to pay her own way then.

I take it she doesn’t contribute anything? Wine, dessert?

billycat321 · 23/12/2024 11:28

Scrape some of your food off your plate onto hers, saying, 'I'm full. Have this. Oh and I've got a bit of meat some stuck in my teeth. Would you like that as well?'

Shoxfordian · 23/12/2024 11:30

Just say no every time she asks and shut it down or tell them to make their own arrangements, shops are open, she can go out

Answeringaquestiontonight · 23/12/2024 11:31

With regards to presents, ignore it. With regards to food, you could say, ‘oh sorry, X, if we have any leftovers, we’re using them for xyz dinner’.

chaosmaker · 23/12/2024 11:32

@Addyview I'd talk to her and tell her that you can't have her over as her behaviour upsets everyone and you don't need to tolerate her but that her husband is still invited.

Enterthedragonqueen · 23/12/2024 11:32

@Addyview please can you update us all on Boxing day about how things went on Christmas day?!! 🙏

WhatWouldTheDoctorDo · 23/12/2024 11:35

I think it’s a bit late to cancel the invitation, but you and DH need to make sure you’re on the same page at saying no. And if it gets out of hand DH should say to BIL that he needs to have a word or you both will, whether SIL gets embarrassed or not. She’s embarrassing you both in your own home by her behaviour.

’can I have your Christmas present?’ No, don’t be ridiculous you’re not getting any of my presents.

’what about that one’ No, come on cut it out stop asking, you’re not getting anyone else’s presents.

’I’ll have those leftovers’ No you want, we’ll be having all the leftovers.

’can I take that home’. No.

’Don’t eat that, I want to take it’ Don’t be ridiculous SIL, we have prepared this meal for people to eat. Tuck in everyone.

StaunchMomma · 23/12/2024 11:36

I think BIL needs to understand that her behaviour is ruining Christmas for some of the family. A conversation definitely needs to be had - with both of them, or he'll just try to shield her again and expect you to suck it up for her sake.

She sounds awful, OP. It's really not OK that you are losing sleep in the run up to hosting Xmas Day because of her nonsense - and it IS nonsense! These traits are not 'just her' and she can, and bloody should, pack that shit in!

LookItsMeAgain · 23/12/2024 11:37

"SiL - I'm planning on keeping that and having it on Boxing Day" or "No, we'll be freezing that and having it on NYD as we'll all be so tired and won't want to cook" or "SiL, we're not going to be doing that this year, I do hope you've managed to get some food in for yourselves as we'll need all of this for us for the next few days."

I would be having words with your brother and say that not saying anything isn't going to be an option so either he says something to her before they arrive or you and your DH will be saying it to her directly - which would HE prefer???

ballyhoomara · 23/12/2024 11:37

Please make sure you update us OP - this is one of my favourite Christmas cheeky fucker stories

Caroparo52 · 23/12/2024 11:42

Certainly not SIL. These are my presents.
No SIL please dont ask my guests to restrict their food for your benefit. That's just rude. There will be no leftovers. We're keeping the lot/ or if you feel like it... we will be sharing equally amongst all guests. Don't ask me again.
You will have to face up to her. Her blazen cheek is astounding. Whatever happens you have to answer her cheeky demands with firm but polite NOs.

TinyMouseTheatre · 23/12/2024 11:42

AllstarFacilier · 23/12/2024 11:09

I think if she asked for leftovers I’d say that we were planning to have them later on, but if they’re desperately financially struggling then you may be able to put something together. Then at least it will shame her DH enough for people to think they’re struggling.

I think the pair of them are well beyond being shamed in any way.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 23/12/2024 11:45

For presents - no it's mine! Or hahaha you're funny!

For leftovers say 'we're not doing doggy bags we're keeping leftovers here' on repeat

Spirallingdownwards · 23/12/2024 11:46

I am definitely in the bugger what BIL says about her being embarrassed. She should be embarrassed by her behaviour

latetothefisting · 23/12/2024 11:51

just saw your update that your manager is coming for christmas! In which case yes it will be even more embarrassing to have scabby mccheapskate doing her thing and telling them not to eat too much!

You need to ring her now and have that conversation and be as specific as possible, not just 'please don't behave like you usually do,' but 'Do not ask for anyone else's presents, even if they don't seem to like them,' 'You will not be taking any food home with you. Even if there are leftovers they will be staying in my house.' 'If you are offered one biscuit do not ask for another one.'
Maybe put it in a text instead of ringing/send the text after the phone call so there is absolutely no confusion.

Tell her if she make one comment you'll be asking her to leave. If she's happy to agree to that they are still very welcome and you are looking forward to having them, but if she can't she'll have to stay home.

Does she buy you presents, out of interest? I'm assuming she doesn't contribute to the cost of hosting! tbh I don't know why you invite her, I'm sure there are other much less weird and much more grateful people you could have over if you enjoy hosting.

BrightonFrock · 23/12/2024 11:52

BrightonFrock · 23/12/2024 10:53

Buy her a huge pack of Tupperware for Christmas. She’ll get all excited… then when it comes to hometime, tell her you’ve got nothing left over to put in them for her, but that she can use them at the next house she pops into on the scrounge.

Actually, it would be funnier to send her home with a single sprout in the biggest one.

LakieLady · 23/12/2024 11:52

I wonder if she comes from a family where no-one can go home empty handed, and regards it as normal?

My MIL is always trying to palm of leftovers and unwanted old shite on people, and she's very insistent. Last time I visited she actually followed me out of the front door with a piece of (disgusting, bought) cake covered in cling film and handed it to me as I got in the car. She's a dreadful cook and her leftovers go straight in the bin when I get home.

If your SIL comes from a family like that, she might think it's rude of you to let her go home empty handed!

Rososos · 23/12/2024 11:53

I should have said no to them coming but I really like people coming. I'm NC with my own family and only my manager and his wife come that are my guests, the rest are DH family and friends.
I think today will be an awkward phone call to BIL to let him know it's either got to be addressed and her told no or they can't come. I know it's last minute to do this but the anxiety I get from the tension on Christmas day isn't worth all this

Yeah I think this is the best way forward, the only alternative is for your husband to speak up but if you don’t think he’s up to speaking as plainly as he should just do it yourself. If she comes and does it again, then you say no next year.

Tbh I can appreciate how it was more tricky for you to say no considering you already don’t have a lot of family you’re in contact with.

It’s easy for people who haven’t gone NC/LC with their own family, to say don’t invite SIL, but it’s different when you’re in that situation - you do try to value the family relationships you have left and perhaps give a bit more grace.

Rososos · 23/12/2024 11:55

I agree @latetothefisting best to be as specific and direct as possible with this sort of person.

Likewhatever · 23/12/2024 11:58

I very rarely agree with this advice because I think it’s so rude, but in this instance “No” really is a complete sentence.

evtheria · 23/12/2024 11:59

Wishing you the best with discussing it with BiL, OP.

I really do think she has to be in on the talk, though, because I would want her to hear it, know I wasn't budging, hear her actually AGREE to cut it out, and not risk BiL perhaps filtering the details down to her afterwards...
You know you've got to say something, anyway, and being extremely clear beforehand is saving her 'embarrassment' in front of everyone else.

MyDeftDuck · 23/12/2024 12:03

Put less on the table and keep some food back for when those dishes become empty.
Also, could you 'invent' a neighbour who isn't well and you are keeping some food back to plate them up a couple of meals whilst they're feeling under the weather?

DevilledEgg · 23/12/2024 12:03

If she gets embarrassed by being called out, then embarrass her. She'll stop.
"Don't be ridiculous, nobody is taking leftovers home! That's our lunch tomorrow!" Will do for the food.
And if she asks for your presents tell her to fuck off and laugh 🤣

XmasShixmas · 23/12/2024 12:03

'No' is a complete sentence
as is
'No you stingy bitch. Now fuck off '.