To Tell SIL To Stop Claiming Things?

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I've been with DH a very long time and we have a child together, I get on well with his brother but his brothers wife is another story. She's nice enough most of the time but makes a lot of situations very awkward because of how tight she is. Whenever she comes round if I offer her something to eat she says things like "Yes, can you also wrap some up for me to take home" no matter what it is! There's a million examples I can give but she basically won't pay for anything and is always on the scrounge.
My husbands brother earns a lot of money and so does his wife so its not like they ever struggle, BIL says its just who she is and does try to stop her.
Anyway on Christmas they're coming for dinner but last year was so uncomfortable because she basically laid claim to everything she saw. Every present she saw me open she was asking if she could have it if I didn't like it or when I was fed up of it, she was pointing at things on the dinner table saying she'd take the leftovers home and telling other guests to not eat it all! It really got on my nerves by the end of the day.
She's coming this year and me and DH are both in agreement that we need to say she can't behave like that because it makes everyone else awkward but BIL has asked us to leave it alone and just ignore her because she gets embarrassed. I'm half tempted to just cancel BIL and his wife altogether if I'm honest.
I'm several years into this womans impolite behaviour and it's casting a bit of a dark cloud over Christmas because I'm dreading her making everyone else feel uncomfortable when she starts! So to me my two options are ring her in the morning and tell her to not behave that way or uninvite them both and tell BIL why. I simply cannot have another Christmas day like last years.

When she brings up the leftovers thing I'd just say, "Oh don't worry, we've already set some aside to pack up for you to take home" and encourage the other people to help themselves, and then afterwards pretend you don't know what happened to it.

For the presents just laugh as if you think she's joking.

This is the perfect way to deal with it.
What do we always say on Mumsnet? NO is a complete sentence!

You havent addressed whether you're actually giving a firm but friendly no to the requests for biscuits/leftovers? Sometimes when someone acts so brazenly it catches you off guard but this is a pattern, so prepare your responses. She's so out of the bounds of normality I'd suspect she actually gets a kick out of it (and I'm a very frugal person). Inform your DH so he can also give the responses and back you up.

You: Biscuit?
Her: yes and I'll have some to take home as well, thanks
You: haha, no you won't!/Haha, count yourself lucky I'm offering you one!/err no, those are my biscuits!/Haha, as if!

Her: taking things anyway when you've said no
You: SIL, what are you doing? I invited you round for lunch, not to clear out house out!

Her: no one eat too much of that, I'm going to take some home
You: err no you won't! Any leftovers are earmarked for our lunch tomorrow - but please, everyone take as much as you want!

As it's happened so many times you can address it upfront too - and by you, I mean DH.

You need to disinvite op. When did they last invite you for a lovely meal as their treat?

The alternative is a fall out on Christmas day, spoiling your day, hard work and others' day. She's had chances and not improved.

It is already stressing you out and you will be on edge waiting for her to be her.

@schleep message is a good one if you still insist on inviting super scrounger

I have some experience from my dd1 who is a less extreme version. She arrives with her brood empty handed and hungover. Wants the leftover meat for her picnic etc. She sadly has even tried to take a rug she liked and my perfume. She just stares at me til I give in - everyone can feel the tension. She is not here this year as she has another invite...

This is really on your husband to sort out with his family. A frank word with his brother on whether everything is really ok, and he tells him to speak to his wife about her behaviour.

I think I would tell her that any christmas gifts that you don't like will go to a charity shop to help the less fortunate and then go on about the charity and how much good it will do.
As for the food, I would just say no and then ask do you not get fed at home? If she persists tell her it is rude

Buy her a huge pack of Tupperware for Christmas. She’ll get all excited… then when it comes to hometime, tell her you’ve got nothing left over to put in them for her, but that she can use them at the next house she pops into on the scrounge.

She sounds nuts! You 100% have to speak to her in advance about this. Tell her to stop telling people to eat less, give her unwanted presents (as if anyone would do this whilst the gift giver is in the room!).

I strongly suspect she believes its just 'her' and her little ways and you all have to suck it up. In the meantime she gets her own way.

Of course you could say nothing and then strongly call her out in front of everyone. She clearly isnt embarassed at all.

Me - well I would speak to her in advance and do get your partner to back you up. No caving in especially if she turns on the tears (yes, I have a relative who does this when she doesnt get her own way but even she isnt THIS bad!)

Why on earth did you invite her again? She's batshit.

Prepare a couple of signs in advance (having explained the situation beforehand to guests). One says "No, you can't have any of my presents, SIL" and the other says "No, you can't take any leftovers home, SIL". Then all concerned can silently point to whichever one applies if she still tries to scrounge.

I'd have fun with this, ask how things are going financially the next time requests leftovers. Just say that you understand that it's a tough economic climate. Say you should have realised that they were struggling financially when she's always asking for people's Christmas gifts & leftover food. All asked innocently of course.....

What @Toomanyemails said. If you've been acquiescing to ANY of this, while understandable in the moment (I think I'd be too shocked and just say yes on autopilot!) you've been rewarding her behaviour. It's completely understandable but now you know, time to set a hard boundary. No leftovers, no stealing extra presents from other people (WTF).

I'd also lean into the embarrassment that your BIL is so afraid of - if it's not an incentive for her to pipe down it'll be an incentive for him to ask her to. When she asks for leftovers tell her she's welcome to cook and host everyone if she wants leftovers, call her Ebenezer, just raise a disbelieving eyebrow, etc. And don't give in. Laugh along with everyone else so she knows they all think she's weird - and don't be afraid to say, "you keep doing this. You do know I'll have to ask you to leave if you don't stop? It's really unpleasant and weird" . Essentially make it their problem. You can call (or your DH can call his brother) ahead and let them know that behaviour won't be tolerated, so she's been warned.

Fine.Don't invite her

Keep asking if they're struggling financially, your bil won't like this and hopefully will ask his wife to stop begging.

Ask her directly 'are you broke because you keep begging for leftovers'.

When I read your original post I had in mind an older lady, bit set in her ways. And I’m not stereotyping, I am in my 50’s.
She’s in her 20’s!!!! She’s clearly never gone without, but I think her behaviour then suggests she has real mental health issues.
Perhaps she has worked out that all of this brings her attention. It may not be positive attention, but it’s attention.
OP has lost a night’s sleep over it. And that’s just a small part of it.
How does her own husband cope with it? Colleagues? If she has children is she going to grab from them?
I would not invite then next year unless she gets some help. Because she clearly needs it. I’m not excusing her, but if she’s like this in her 20’s it will only get worse.

you give in????? you actually give in?????

@CatsndtheBear nailed it with their answer.

Does she hoard?

I'd also address this with Dh. Where's his voice when she's after your presents and food.
He invited them so each and every time he can address it.

Do not let your BIL use the 'she'll be embarrassed' card. It certainly doesn't trump you having to put up with her grabby rudeness at your literal expense. And it's embarrassing for you and your guests!

I'd just say she can't come unless BIL talks to her, and if she can't agree to not ask for things or 'reserve' things or similar behaviour, she can't come. And if she does it anyway, you tell her you'd like her to leave as she's making you uncomfortable with her mooching again.

I think if she asked for leftovers I’d say that we were planning to have them later on, but if they’re desperately financially struggling then you may be able to put something together. Then at least it will shame her DH enough for people to think they’re struggling.

At this stage OP, I wouldn't even give them the choice, you KNOW that he won't be able to stop her asking for stuff, if they do come, and it will be YOU that suffers, just cancel the invitation and tell them both why. Then follow up with a letter telling them that unless she's prepared to act like a normal human being there will be no further invitations for either of them. Someone needs to make it clear that this behaviour is NOT acceptable, so after all the worry you've put yourself through, why not make it you, at least then you can feel you've done everything that you can. As a matter of interest, why does your DH keep inviting them when presumably he must know how her behaviour upsets you, and everyone else?

Agreed. A firm no repeatedly. If she keeps doing it take her aside and ask her to stop as it is spoiling the day. I wouldn't laugh or joke along with her. She needs to behave herself.

Yeah I'd take this approach. Sounds like the SiL has been in the picture long enough for pleasantries to informal enough.

"Can I wrap this up to take home?" Could be dismissed with "Don't you have food at home?" "That present would be more use to me" - "Didn't you get your own presents?"

Then either carry on with previous conversation / activity or, to make things more awkward for her, just pause and stare at her.

I saw mentions of Queen Mary on this thread and googled. I never knew she was such a grabby brat!