To Tell SIL To Stop Claiming Things?

[Addyview]

I've been with DH a very long time and we have a child together, I get on well with his brother but his brothers wife is another story. She's nice enough most of the time but makes a lot of situations very awkward because of how tight she is. Whenever she comes round if I offer her something to eat she says things like "Yes, can you also wrap some up for me to take home" no matter what it is! There's a million examples I can give but she basically won't pay for anything and is always on the scrounge.
My husbands brother earns a lot of money and so does his wife so its not like they ever struggle, BIL says its just who she is and does try to stop her.
Anyway on Christmas they're coming for dinner but last year was so uncomfortable because she basically laid claim to everything she saw. Every present she saw me open she was asking if she could have it if I didn't like it or when I was fed up of it, she was pointing at things on the dinner table saying she'd take the leftovers home and telling other guests to not eat it all! It really got on my nerves by the end of the day.
She's coming this year and me and DH are both in agreement that we need to say she can't behave like that because it makes everyone else awkward but BIL has asked us to leave it alone and just ignore her because she gets embarrassed. I'm half tempted to just cancel BIL and his wife altogether if I'm honest.
I'm several years into this womans impolite behaviour and it's casting a bit of a dark cloud over Christmas because I'm dreading her making everyone else feel uncomfortable when she starts! So to me my two options are ring her in the morning and tell her to not behave that way or uninvite them both and tell BIL why. I simply cannot have another Christmas day like last years.

OP, you absolutely can uninvite them at this short notice if your BIL isn't willing to address this. You have tried things in the past. Her behaviour is so far beyond reasonable or polite behaviour I don't think you need to worry about manners with regard to her invitation.

Saying you can't allow someone to attend because they will try to stop your guests eating food she wants to take home and asks for your presents as you are unwrapping them...this is not someone hung up on social niceties.

"Don't be daft" to everything she asks?

"That's not up to up" re what your guests can eat!

That one would really piss me off.

Telling people in your house what they can/can't do.

God, I LOVE the tambourine idea. Every time she's grabby, someone jangles it. Every single time. If that doesn't annoy the fuck out of her and make her stop, nothing will.

I don't think you can uninvite at this stage, because it would cause WW3 but I do not think YABU. I would either raise in advance or, on the day, the first time she says something like that push back REALLY firmly "SIL - let me make it clear, you will not be taking home any presents that aren't yours nor will you be getting leftovers. We will keep saying no however much you ask so do us all a favour and don't bother" and if she persists just say "We've talked about this. No" DH needs to do the same.

A bit like reasoning with a overtired child really! You're the boss and you are resolute. And tell DH not to invite DB next year...

Do they contribute anything? Any food or money or is it you paying for everything?

Sounds like she needs counselling for this. It's not normal behaviour.

Good luck with the phone call @Addyview . Let us know how you get on. Be prepared for all the waterworks and them seeing their arses. Just stick to your guns, and stay calm yourself.

Call or message (I'd message but I'm a wimp)

Hi SIL,
Hope you're looking forward to Christmas day.
Just to let you know - we won't be tolerating any requests for people's gifts, food etc on the day; any requests will be seen as very impolite and treated as such. You've mentioned before that you enjoy getting what you can out of events - but this has previously made multiple people exceptionally uncomfortable and its something that has been really concerning me in the run up to this day.
I appreciate that you've said before that you'd rather not be invited in the above instance so I wanted to pose the choice to you now, to avoid any fallout on the day.
We otherwise enjoy your company, so hope you choose to attend on these conditions.
All the best

If the behaviour is as bad as you say, she clearly has some serious mental issues. No one in their right mind behaves like that.

I would do as some PP have suggested; have a stock phrase to brush it off and repeat as necessary.

After Christmas, you could kindly suggest to your brother that your SIL might benefit from therapy. It sounds like her parents have messed her up.

If a pre-visit call/text is sent, DH should do it, as it is his brother’s wife.

Sounds like everyone else is sick of her batshittery, so there is little risk of you looking like the crazy one, so here is what I would do if I were in the situation: I’d gear up my best firm headmistress voice. “No, Mary, our guests can eat as much as they want. And everything that is leftover will be my leftovers for the next few days. Nobody is taking home leftovers today.” “No, Mary, this is my Christmas gift, not yours. I will be keeping it. You have your own Christmas gifts to enjoy.” Nice and firm, with a bit of teacher scolding undertone to it. I wouldn’t try to be discreet about it. Your other guests will appreciate it too, no doubt.

Just say no to her
"can I have that?" NO
"wrap that up to take home" NO
"Don't eat that I want to take it home" You can't

OP has said that the BIL doesn't want her to say anything. I assume the OP hasn't.

I'm astonished that people actually come to the dinner table with an eye on the leftovers. It's like Oliver frigging Twist.

My god this would drive me insane, it’s mental behaviour! I’m not surprised you’ve been so stressed about it. I think I’d be inclined to say to my brother that if he doesn’t speak to her about it, then you will and that will be more embarrassing for her.

I read a way to sort this.
It is a compliment killer...
Everyone don't eat the coleslaw!
You...... oh SIL don't worry it was from Waitrose they stock it every week, you can just go buy some.
Same with any food item.
SIL , oh can I have your bag, as it would suit me.
You
Take a picture of the bag.
Tell her you have sent it too her, if she loads Google lens, she can look up where to buy it and you can be twins...
If she asks to take some food home, tell her your going to have a crap, does she want you to wrap it or flush it?

I'm normally overly polite, but I really think I would call BIL today and say if it happens this Christmas, you will ask them to leave and get their coats- immediately - and actually do it. Tell BIL you mean it. She seems so thick-skinned nothing else will work. Lots of other good advice here too; loving the tambourine idea (if you have kids they could have maracas?)

Just say leftovers are already spoken for sil with a big smile. Job done. No need to make a drama and potentially cause a row.

This behaviour is absolutely bizarre. It's not for you, your family or guests to tolerate it however, and I'm surprised that you have. The approach some PPs have suggested, of telling your SiL and BiL that she has two choices - act like a decent human being or stay home is good. However, following it up with a refusal to invite them next year means a 12 month gap between actions and consequences. I'd suggest instead that if she comes and doesn't abide by the rules, she's warned once. If it happens again, she's back on the road. Make it a clear, non-negotiable boundary.

This will cause a terrible scene, but a sticking-plaster torn off quickly is better than a miserable day for everybody. Once she's gone (and your BiL with her) you can all relax and enjoy the day without being on edge and wondering when SiL is going to pipe up with her next vulturous demand.

As for the future, I can't imagine wanting someone as rude and greedy as your SiL in my house again, but that of course, is up to you. Maybe a showdown over the roasties will induce a reset, maybe not. But it's apparent from the stress it's causing you that something has to change.

She is scum.
It really is that simple.
Why you would have someone near your home a second time after such rudeness?

Far better you cancel today to show them both how completely unacceptable their behaviour is.
This is who she is.
Keep her the hell away from your Christmas.

I also agree with the Peter who said that by replying that the leftovers are for the host you risk the possibility of making your guests extremely uncomfortable

If anyone said that to me I'd be very conscious of how much we were eating and wouldn't enjoy the meal.

Much better to say something like "don't be daft Maureen, everyone tuck in, it's Christmas Day!" And smile.

yabu because you need to say No to her
its your food, not hers.

No need for explanation, just NO in a tone that you'd use with a toddler.

DH ate as much as he could when she asked people to not eat all of something she wanted so he could prove a point but again she would just push further.

That’s so funny. I have visions of a man reaching across the table grabbing handfuls Q of food and squashing it in his mouth!

Good for DH but he shouldn’t have to do that. Tell her NO we want the left overs for us seeing as it’s our food. Also laugh in her face and talk to her like a child saying “Don’t be so greedy. Buy your own food!”

When she asks for your presents just stare at her blank faces for a few seconds until it’s uncomfortable and then say no

"No"

If I went out to dinner at someone else's I would feel incredibly uncomfortable knowing that another guest was watching everything I ate because it would mean less for her to scrounge. You really have no choice but to insist in advance that there is no repetition of this behaviour.