To Tell SIL To Stop Claiming Things?

[Addyview]

I've been with DH a very long time and we have a child together, I get on well with his brother but his brothers wife is another story. She's nice enough most of the time but makes a lot of situations very awkward because of how tight she is. Whenever she comes round if I offer her something to eat she says things like "Yes, can you also wrap some up for me to take home" no matter what it is! There's a million examples I can give but she basically won't pay for anything and is always on the scrounge.
My husbands brother earns a lot of money and so does his wife so its not like they ever struggle, BIL says its just who she is and does try to stop her.
Anyway on Christmas they're coming for dinner but last year was so uncomfortable because she basically laid claim to everything she saw. Every present she saw me open she was asking if she could have it if I didn't like it or when I was fed up of it, she was pointing at things on the dinner table saying she'd take the leftovers home and telling other guests to not eat it all! It really got on my nerves by the end of the day.
She's coming this year and me and DH are both in agreement that we need to say she can't behave like that because it makes everyone else awkward but BIL has asked us to leave it alone and just ignore her because she gets embarrassed. I'm half tempted to just cancel BIL and his wife altogether if I'm honest.
I'm several years into this womans impolite behaviour and it's casting a bit of a dark cloud over Christmas because I'm dreading her making everyone else feel uncomfortable when she starts! So to me my two options are ring her in the morning and tell her to not behave that way or uninvite them both and tell BIL why. I simply cannot have another Christmas day like last years.

I wouldn't invite her tbh. She sounds selfish and thinks the world owes her but scrounging. People like this makes me really angry.

It definitely needs sorting and the suggestion above is indeed very good.

Hopefully Freddie Freeloader won't come.

I'd be billing them for anything they try to take. That might stop BIL telling you to let her do what she likes and not make a scene. I would also wonder if she has any childhood trauma with lack of resources, or obsessive compulsive conditions, as thisnis very far from socially acceptable.

I'm a big fan of letting the people who are making something awkward or embarrassing feel awkward or embarassed or ashamed themselves. We're very nice as a society and try to prevent people from feeling like that as a general rule, but that system doesn't work when somebody whose behaviour should make them feel that way is shameless about it. Allow her to feel the slightly unpleasant emotion, don't carry it for her, that's what she's relying on in order to continue with her outrageous behaviour - and her H is part of the problem!

I'd rip the plaster off and ring DBIL now and in right NOW and avoid procrastinating dealing with it head on for any longer.

"DBIL, if DSIL behaves in the way she has done in previous years it will put a shitter on Christmas and it's not something I'm willing to tolerate any more. Either you tell her in advance that she must refrain entirely from asking for leftovers, other people's gifts and generally acting like a deprived character out of a Dickensian book, or don't bring her. If she displays anything like that behaviour I will be telling her firmly and not kindly to stop, and if she does it again you will both need to leave immediately. It is not acceptable behaviour in my household or indeed in my company, and everybody else should not have their Christmas shat upon from a great height because she will feel a bit embarrassed to be told to stop behaving inappropriately."

I would NOT be using a gentle tone I’d be using a tone of voice and sentence that is serious enough to cause an awkward silence
create that awkward moment and keep creating them ( politely and non aggressively) and her husband and her will eventually have words
do a Paddington bear stare and say “ please don’t say things like that it’s embarrassing then stare and pause “ it’s the pause that will make it awkward
Stare “ are you seriously asking me to say I don’t like this and give it to you ? “ ….pause …how do you think that would make ( giver of present ) feel? ….pause… if i didn’t like it I’d get a refund for me … wouldn’t I ? …Pause …. Stare
try to breath slowly in the awkward atmosphere
Be prepared for non of it to work …

More good advice, @pimplebum
And by agreeing with the "gentle tone" I didn't mean to dodge handling this, just to deliver the message calmly and quietly, which can be a lot more effective than outright rudeness and avoid claims they're being "attacked"

As PPs have said I think it's something that would be better tackled "in the moment," with a bit of a jokey angle. If she asks for a present you've just opened, "Hang on a sec Jane, give me a chance to enjoy it before planning a takeover!"

If she starts going on about taking home leftovers, "Uhoh, did you forget to order your Christmas shopping in time? Don't worry, I'm sure we can make you a sandwich to keep you going tomorrow until the shops reopen. I'll send you a calendar invite for next year! Come one everyone, I'll take offense if there are any leftovers from this meal!"

What a stupid idea

Bil doesn't want to embarrass her, she needs to be embarrassed it sounds like its the only thing that will stop her, very odd behavior ....

I think I've read everyone's replies so I'll answer you all here now I've woke back up. My reason for being awake so late is specifically down to SIL and the dread of her.

She's late 20s and grew up in a middle class family, no struggles but her parents are also pretty tight, nowhere near her level and her mum hates her own daughters behaviour from what I've seen.
In the past I have let her take food home because it was awkward to say no. I stopped inviting her round for coffee and a catch up because if I offered her a biscuit or a sandwich she'd ask for extra to take home and it was weird.
On Christmas I try to laugh it off and just say no when she asks for presents but it just goes further where she will then say its not my sort of thing and she'd get more out of it, I did get a little firmer by the end of the day last year but it didn't seem to deter her any. DH ate as much as he could when she asked people to not eat all of something she wanted so he could prove a point but again she would just push further.
Saying a firm no to this woman likely wouldn't do much and hasn't worked in the past. My other SIL called her a scrounger to her face once and she got upset but carried on once BIL argued back. I do think BIL doesn't see she cries a lot of crocodile tears so she doesn't have to stop this behaviour.
I don't think she has MH issues but I'm not a professional. She just gets a kick out of saving money, I've seen her stand and haggle in a charity shop, to me she has no shame in her.

I should have said no to them coming but I really like people coming. I'm NC with my own family and only my manager and his wife come that are my guests, the rest are DH family and friends.
I think today will be an awkward phone call to BIL to let him know it's either got to be addressed and her told no or they can't come. I know it's last minute to do this but the anxiety I get from the tension on Christmas day isn't worth all this.

Then you should give her that choice. Give her a call and ask her to stop doing this, and that if she feels she can’t and would rather not come then you fully understand

In a way, the fact that her behaviour is so completely over the top and batshit is to your advantage. There is no one on earth - including your other guests - who would think you weren't justified in responding very firmly to her if this nonsense arises this year. The trickier things to deal with are where someone is a 'bit' odd or mean or quirky. She is so far off the reservation, you will be able to bring out your big guns without you looking bad.
.

Yes, you definitely should've said no to them coming.

Well from your update I'd agree. Just tell BIL that this upsets and stresses you and so you'd like this favour this one day.
And then don't invite again !

Aside from talking to bil and her directly what else can you do about it? It's a bit late in the day to rescinded the invite. Is it more of a problem for you than your dh? I'm trying to understand why he would invite them again? Her behaviour would piss me off. I'd deal with it by being direct so when she asks for leftovers, 'not you on the beg for food again', when she asks about your presents, 'not this again, keep your mitts off of my gifts' and repeat. It sounds like it will be a laborious day. Have the chat before next christmas and maybe she'll take it on board, if she doesn't, don't invite them.

Crikey. Her manners are absolutely appalling. You need to have a word with your BIL and explain to him that it's not "just who she is": these are learned and unlearnable behaviours about reasonable boundaries.

The phone call needs to be done. And if she dares to open her gob after that you need to tell her directly that if she ever goes on the scrounge again she won't be invited back next year. Who cares if she gets upset?

@Addyview STAND FIRM!
Make that call. {Or text if feeling less brave}

Her scrounging behaviour is like a feral dog, except she isn't starving.

I do wonder if there is a psychological reason for this awful grabby behaviour, some ''lack'' that she is seeking to fill.

It's bizarre behaviour.

Imagine the embarrassment of her eyeing up people's plates and presents on Christmas Day- you can't possibly be entertaining that behaviour.

She sounds insufferable.

So she goes out to a restaurant with the family, eats and drinks and then refuses to pay her share of the bill? What happens then?
Does she say at the start she won't be paying anything?

If you can’t I invite her and BIL won’t have a word in advance then I wound just be repeating “No. Stop being so grabby” until she, well, stops being so grabby.

I don't think you can cancel them at this short notice. However you absolutely can get your DH to send a text to his brother and ask that he have a word before they come, because if it happens again this year then SIL will be getting asked to stop claiming everything and you'd all hate for her to be "embarrassed" 😂

If someone immediately asked me to hand over a gift I'd just opened I'm afraid I'd be so shocked I'd probably ask them if they were drunk. I've just opened the fucking thing! The gift giver is sitting right THERE!!! How on earth do you think that's acceptable????? Fucking hell. How greedy are you?

As for the food, I'd be very VERY firm when I laid it on the table in saying VERY loudly and clearly that everyone was to help themselves to whatever and however much they wanted. If she was socially impaired enough to try to grab leftovers before they even became leftovers, she'd be told to stop. I'm not discussing this with you SIL, there will be NO LEFTOVERS leaving this house. Don't be selfish.

There is a fish called Bruce at Bristol Aquarium who has learned the feeding cues of all the other fist and plays chicken with them to take their food. He head butts the sting rays right off their feeding platform.

To deal with this the technicians have a seperate grey target for Bruce and give him a tiny piece of squid to distract him from the other fishes while they are being fed.

Maybe every time your SIL tries to claim something offer her a drink or something to eat. At some point she'll pass out and you can enjoy the rest of the day in peace.

Alternatively you could bang on a tambourine to distract her, but that would be weird. It might put her off coming back though.

It's CRAZYTOWN that everyone tolerated her behaviour last time and didn't say anything

Locate your spine!

Tbh, i don't see this as your problem to solve.

My earlier post quoted a PP and I still maintain that SIL needs to be spoken or she gets disinvited, but I sincerely don't think this is your problem. On reading your ipdate and how your very own DH eats more than he really wants to, just to make a point to her beggars the question WHY DID HE INVITE THEM??????

This is not your problem. Tell your DH to sort it. And to sort it ASAP.

If she still ends up coming and shows a shameless disregard to your feelings, home and property/presents, then it is clearly HIS situation to handle.
Step back. Honestly, it would feee your mind and reduce your anxiety.

@Addyview, you haven't said much about your husband's role in all of this. It's his brother and so he should be stepping up.

He could speak to his brother to let it be known that there are conditions to the Christmas invite and that if they aren't willing to uphold them, they should stay away. He can tell his brother that he needs to have plans in place as to how to deal with any transgressions and to nip them in the bud immediately because if he fails to do so, they will both be asked to leave.

In sharing this, you BiL and SiL can make an informed decision as to whether to come and cannot blame anyone else for any upset they subsequently experience arising from her bad behaviour