To resent adult dd a bit.

[Reindeerhouses]

This is going to sound awful. I know I am being unreasonable but I'm frustrated.

Dd is an adult and lives with me but treats the place like a hotel. She is gone three nights a week at least and only returns late the next day usually with mounds of washing. She's expects the heating on 24/7 and most of the year because she feels the cold so her room is warm when she gets back.

I gave her the biggest bedroom and I have a tiny one because obviously she was a kid and needed space but now she's never here I resent the lack of room.

She pays £40 a month and doesn't see why she should pay more as she isn't here much. She earns around a 1k a month so while I'm struggling to pay all the bills and the extra council tax I pay for her being here, the extra heating costs, the extra cost of laundry etc she is getting take aways every day and buying expensive items then roaming through the cupboards and fridge here moaning that she wants nothing I have got in.
If I buy her stuff it goes off and gets thrown away anyway because it goes out of date before she decides to come home.
Two other days a week she turns up with her boyfriend in tow so truly feel like a hotel!

Aibu to resent her a bit?

You’re being a door mat.
Swap bedrooms and charge her the 25% of poll tax plus more.

Swap your bedrooms back, and she doesn't get heating 24/7 for £40 a month FFS. Does she know that that is well less than the heating bill?!

Adult? How adult? What age is she. Is she still in education? I hope so if she’s only earning £1k a month.

Swap the rooms back and buy her a couple of hot water bottles for Christmas.

22 and yes still in education.

OP- you are indulging her as if she is a child.

As she is hardly there, tell her you will be switching rooms by the end of Feb ( or whenever)

Do not do her shopping or laundry. She can do this.

If she wants the heating on more than you would have it on, then charge her more rent, or tell her she can now be responsible for at least one of the utilities.

She is old enough to be more independent, but you really are enabling her.

your Resentment is basically a result of you not having much a voice in your own home. You want the bigger bedroom. You want more financial contribution, etc.
speak up, or forever hold your resentment.

Why are you being a doormat op? Stand up for yourself and set some ground rules.

Just seen update, when does she finish education? Does she need the bigger room for studying?

I think YBU to resent when what you should be doing is saying no.

Put some boundaries in place, if she doesn’t like it she’s old enough to move out. Oh, and she needs to be paying more money imo. And half the gas bill!

I’d start by putting the heating on a timer and stop buying her specific foods ( or eat them yourself if she’s not around). Be honest and explain that the heating bill is XX amount, which is simply too high, so you’ve got to cut back. If she really wants the heating on 24/7, she can pay the difference.

It sounds as if you need to educate her on household bills, I.e., she doesn’t realize just how much running a house costs. Perhaps make a spreadsheet and show her so that she starts appreciating just how little her £40 covers.

Wow, can I move in? Sounds like an amazing deal. She's got it way too cushy, she needs to be paying a market rate for room share - and the smaller room at that (will be easier to keep warm!)

Ooh, missed that she is 22 and still in education. Not fully fledged.

Is she in university and getting a maintenance loan? Is she running a car to get to university or does she have transportation costs?
£1000 a month sounds like a maintenance loan. She can be paying more, but if she is in education then of course she will be coming and going. However, it’s ok to ask that she is thoughtful and let you know if she will be away for the night.

Swap rooms back
Stop buying her stuff
Stop doing her laundry
Explain the difference in council tax etc having an extra person living in a property
Explain how expensive utilities/heating bills are -
do you have a smart meter? She could pay the extra heating bills on days she’s home and turns the heating up?
Charge her more than £40 if you need to

Has she always been in charge?

You must stand up to her. You TELL her that you're swapping rooms, the heating will be put on when you want it, she can provide her own food to store in your home and that you'll be increasing her contribution from 40 to 100, at least.

She's the same age as my son who lives at home. He is not always at home either but I wouldn't put up with this behaviour. He pays the council tax bill, does his own cleaning/washing clothes, if he wants to I cook a dinner for everyone in the evening but he buys all of his own breakfast/lunch and fills the freezer once a month.
Charge her more, take the bigger room back and tell her to grow up.

For goodness sake @Reindeerhouses if you lay down and invite people to walk all over you, whether they are family or not, that is exactly what they will do.

Stand up, set up rules and boundaries - it is your home that you pay for.

Swop the rooms so you have the bigger space, work out exactly what it is costing you extra - heating, council tax, food etc., and then add on an additional sum. Let her be responsible for her own laundry and if she wants different food to that available she buys it. If she wants her boyfriend there then she contributes to the cost of him staying too.

Failing that just carry on as you are being resentful and taken advantage of.

The 1K is wages from a part time job. She is doing a degree via distance learning so doesn't get a maintenance loan.

No transportation costs.
She gives me £40 and the other £960 is pure spends to her after her phone contract.

YABU for resenting her. Because you have enabled this. You haven’t asked her for a proper contribution, you haven’t put in place boundaries over the heating, you continue to do her laundry. Don’t resent her, make changes.

Why are you paying extra council tax if she's in education? Students in full time education are exempt.

You are being unreasonable for allowing her to walk all over you. You know what needs to be done, why aren't you doing it?

It’s up to you to stop being a mug

This, you are being unreasonable

She's only 22 and thinks that it's okay to behave the way she is because you've taught her so

Get your room back and tell her you're increasing the rent. But don't say it like you resent her 🙄 but like you love her and need to teach her responsibility

She's studying via distance learning so it doesn't apply. I've tried.