To resent adult dd a bit.

[Reindeerhouses]

This is going to sound awful. I know I am being unreasonable but I'm frustrated.

Dd is an adult and lives with me but treats the place like a hotel. She is gone three nights a week at least and only returns late the next day usually with mounds of washing. She's expects the heating on 24/7 and most of the year because she feels the cold so her room is warm when she gets back.

I gave her the biggest bedroom and I have a tiny one because obviously she was a kid and needed space but now she's never here I resent the lack of room.

She pays £40 a month and doesn't see why she should pay more as she isn't here much. She earns around a 1k a month so while I'm struggling to pay all the bills and the extra council tax I pay for her being here, the extra heating costs, the extra cost of laundry etc she is getting take aways every day and buying expensive items then roaming through the cupboards and fridge here moaning that she wants nothing I have got in.
If I buy her stuff it goes off and gets thrown away anyway because it goes out of date before she decides to come home.
Two other days a week she turns up with her boyfriend in tow so truly feel like a hotel!

Aibu to resent her a bit?

A worker from Camhs told me that I should not have given my child the largest room in the house because of the message it sends them. You literally have made them top dog!

Also £40 won't even cover the council tax increase for losing the single person discount.

It's hard to change a long term dynamic but you really need to.

So swap the bedrooms back for a start and don't put heating on

i think she’s should pay fifty a week and I think you should say if she keeps staying out then you should take the big room back plus the heating set it down to a lower level like 16.5 then if she gets cold while she’s home maybe then she can turn it up

I have asked her for more. It causes arguments.
I've argued over the heating and I've turned it off when she's not here and it's caused arguments.
I've had discussions with her about the room and its caused arguments.

I left an awful marriage with her Dad completely beaten down and I'm tired of arguments and realistically throwing her out and locking the door is not something I could do and she fully knows it.

I’m sorry, I just don’t feel sorry for you. You need to put boundaries in place and stick up for yourself. It’s happening because you’re allowing it.

She pays her way or she leaves, simples!

Have you explicitly linked the money and the heating. "DD, having the heating on 24/7 costs me £250 a month. If you want it on all the time you need to pay at least half of that. If you don't pay that, I will be turning it off when I choose to."

Then when she whinges "well it's your choice - pay more money and we can have it on more, but I can't afford to."

If she lives at home where does the mounds of laundry come from when she appears back home? Where does she go?

Honestly OP if you're tired of the arguments, don't engage. Tell her what the rules are for her continuing to stay there. She can argue all she likes, you repeat that if she wants to stay, those are the conditions. Stay calm. Don't argue, don't, try to explain (she's 22, she knows!). Just say the same thing.
"I'm tired of trying to explain, DD, so if you want to stay, those are the rules.
I pay the bills, those are the rules. Want a cuppa?"

Student or not, she is now over 21 so definitely not a child. As she is so seldom home (she says this herself does she not - in order to get out of paying any more), then it is a waste for her to have the larger room. Give her a deadline for them to be swapped over. This is your home that you pay for after all.

As the Council Tax is a direct result of her living there as an adult, she should be responsible for paying the difference - 25% I think - this is before any keep she pays. It is ridiculous that an adult, student or not, has nearly £1k as basically spending money - how much disposible income do you have? Work it out and tell her.

The heating should be on a timer to suit your hours, if she arrives home at some weird hour and it's off, then she needs to put on a hoodie blanket or similar.

Tell her that you will not be buying any perishable foods especially for her but there were always be staples like bread, cheese, eggs - whatever you like to have in. Any specialily foods (usually expensive) she can buy herself (you will probably have to say you won't use those yourself).

I don't know that I would make her responsible for particular bills tbh - she might be unreliable and not pay, and you would have no way of knowing. I really feel that bills for your house should be in your name - she should pay you direct though.

I speak as the mother of adults (who have now moved out) and I was sometimes told I spoiled them - and I know that I did. But they never had the largest room and I wouldn't have struggled with bills while they rode on my back with £900 to spaff away every month.

It’s a new year soon, so take the opportunity to put new rules in place! If she doesn’t like it then she’s free to find somewhere else to live. Sit her down and tell her what you want to happen ie the big bedroom back and more rent money!

Swap rooms back.
She pays £100 a month (it’s £3 a day! You’re not exactly filling her room while she’s away) plus council tax difference.
She buys her own food (and for her bf). Give her her own shelf in the fridge and she has to clear it out?
Heater in her room on a timer plug or smart plug you control? Guess she might just leave it on all the time and you may not actually save any money… maybe an extra amount in winter months to cover increased heating?!

If she disagrees she can always move out…

Have you explicitly linked the money and the heating. "DD, having the heating on 24/7 costs me £250 a month. If you want it on all the time you need to pay at least half of that. If you don't pay that, I will be turning it off when I choose to."

@SapphireOpal is right,, you need give her a reality check and show her exactly what it costs.

People will treat you badly as much as you allow them to.

I don't allow my adult children to bring their boyfriends and girlfriends home.
They do their own laundry, cook and keep the place reasonably clean. Set up some rules.

if she's away for days on end why can't she do that laundry wherever she is? Or do it herself when she gets home?

My dd is at uni. Not sure if distance learning but she never goes to the uni, all lectures are on line.
We get the discount, the uni provided a letter to say she was in full time education.

Well now I've seen your latest post, I regret mine

Op, you need to get a bit crazy tbh. Tell her what's what or you're throwing her out

Tell her you love her but you're very exhausted and you've survived too much to fight anymore

Don't nag and whine at her. Just tell her that if she won't respect your rules, she needs to leave. If she leaves, change the locks.

Sorry if it sounds mean, but from the sounds of it m, you're at your wits end.

Your original post didn't make this clear though

Best of luck x

Who cares if it causes arguments. It's your house and she's living there. If she doesn't like it she can get her own place.

No more heating unless she pays for it
If she wants specific foods then she buys it herself
She does her own washing
When she's at home she washes up and cooks for you both

Oh and to add to my post above, get your room back, if she's only there for 2/3 days a week you get the bigger room

You have enabled her and only you can change it. Time for a sit down talk about cost of living, show her the bills, work out how much it costs to heat her room, including when she is not here, how much on food, council tax heat, light, washing etc. You need to increase her contribution to £40 per week.

if she argues the you tell her to go rent a room somewhere then, and sh3 be 9nes responsible for herself

Just don’t argue about it, it’s not up for discussion. If she wants the heating on it’s fine but she will need to pay it. She needs to contribute to the council tax, again not a discussion.

You’re being an absolute push over.

She is an adult.

she should be buying her own washing powder, doing her own washing, paying more towards bills and buying and cooking her own food.

she behaves the way she does because quite frankly, you’ve let her.

So don’t have arguments. Tell her what’s happening and don’t get bullied into changing your mind.

Use your current resentment to make positive changes or by this time next year you’ll have given yourself an ulcer.

It sounds really difficult when your daughter seems very comfortable putting her own wants first, which does not sound like something that comes naturally to you.

It might be easier to tackle one thing at a time rather than going full on new sheriff in town. And it would make sense to start with something you’ve got complete control over, like food shopping, rather than saying the rent is going up only for her to completely ignore you.

Have some phrases in your head to encourage yourself when she’s angry you’ve not bought something she expects. Her unhappiness does not mean you’ve done the wrong thing. It’s not your responsibility to manage her feelings. She knows where the shop is and has her own money if she really can’t manage without it.

In case it’s useful for the heating issue, I recently discovered my thermostat was only screwed to the wall, not wired in, which means it’s portable.