To resent adult dd a bit.

[Reindeerhouses]

This is going to sound awful. I know I am being unreasonable but I'm frustrated.

Dd is an adult and lives with me but treats the place like a hotel. She is gone three nights a week at least and only returns late the next day usually with mounds of washing. She's expects the heating on 24/7 and most of the year because she feels the cold so her room is warm when she gets back.

I gave her the biggest bedroom and I have a tiny one because obviously she was a kid and needed space but now she's never here I resent the lack of room.

She pays £40 a month and doesn't see why she should pay more as she isn't here much. She earns around a 1k a month so while I'm struggling to pay all the bills and the extra council tax I pay for her being here, the extra heating costs, the extra cost of laundry etc she is getting take aways every day and buying expensive items then roaming through the cupboards and fridge here moaning that she wants nothing I have got in.
If I buy her stuff it goes off and gets thrown away anyway because it goes out of date before she decides to come home.
Two other days a week she turns up with her boyfriend in tow so truly feel like a hotel!

Aibu to resent her a bit?

Turn the heating off and if she argues about it show her the heating bill, tell her to buy an electric blanket, they are low on electricity
40 a month is pittance and wouldn’t cover anything, it should be minimum 250

Does her father give her anything, you could ask her to ask him for some money

Then you really will have to put the tiredness to one side, prepare a budget and show her!

You will tell her she's not having the larger room for 4 days a week and the heating will be on as and when you decide

And if she doesn't like it she can come up with some other options.

You do know the minute she gets a job she'll be off?

Up her keep to 200. Don't argue about it, it's 200. Switch the rooms when she is at her boyfriend's. She is incredibly cheeky to be showing up w him in tow anyway. Don't argue, just do it.

So you’ve left yourself with no bargaining chips then.

Question 1. How much fun spending money do you have each month?
Question 2. What do you want from this thread?

I think you need to decide what changes you want going forward, she’s not there, turn the heating off, it’s an easy one she comes home and complains you simply say you don’t have the money to run the heating to that level. If she argues, don’t engage or ask her how she suggests you pay for it? If you’re feeling generous buy her a heated blanket for Christmas.

Tell her you’ll be switching the rooms and that for £40 per month part time residence this is non negotiable. Ask her if she wants to be there when you do it and give her a date. What are her arguments against this, there’s no way they outweigh yours. Then do it.

I’d start with that and not worry too much about evening up the rent at the moment, but do make sure she understands that as she is studying part time you are having to pay £x amount extra in council tax.

You can do this if you pull up your big girls pants and do it. Or just carry on feeling resentful it’s your choice. Good luck

Who is the parent here? You are not doing her any favours at all! She will go out into the real world expecting everything delivered on a silver platter and will have a big shock and struggle to survive. Also why is she using her maintenance loan for frivolous spend or did I read that wrong? If she doesn't need it why take on the debt as it will have to be paid back?! Or save it for a house if it's a cheap loan?!

You don't need to kick her out OP, just wait until you know she's going to be out for a couple of days, and change the bedroom over yourself. When she gets home and finds that her things are all in the smaller room, she may scream and shout, but just shut yourself in the bigger room, and ignore her. Put some music on with headphones to shut her out, or maybe add a bolt to the door so that she can't come in and continue to shout at you, if that's what she tends to do. Start with that, and once she's accepted that, you can leave it for a week or two, and then tell her that she needs to make a bigger contribution to household expenses or move out, her choice. Be prepared in advance with the amount of money that you feel really does cover her share of the bills, and tell her that's what you want each month, failure to pay it will result in her things being outside the door the next time she comes home. The likelihood of having to do this, is virtually nil, as the minute she finds out how much living on her own will really cost her, she'll realise that paying a reasonable contribution at home, is a much better deal. Oh, and just ignore her washing, she'll soon do it when she realises she has nothing to wear. Again, you don't need to argue about it, just don't do it. If she asks where her clean shirt/jeans, whatever is, just say 'well if you can't find it, presumably it's waiting for you to wash it.' Again, she may scream and shout, but just go shut yourself in your room, and ignore her again.

@Nanny0gg

Why do you think she'll leave when she gets a job when she only pays £40 and gets all this support?

How long has she got left of being a student?

Her only being there half of the week wouldn’t bother me (in fact I would prefer it).

But you need to put your foot down with other things.

Tell her you cannot afford the heating on as often and so she either contributes more or moves out.

Doing her washing is fine, but she cannot be using the tumble dryer.

I wouldn’t buy any additional food that can go off.
If she wants something she can buy it.

Does her bf live with his parents?
Does he pay them rent?

I would definitely change the bedrooms around too.

YABU to let her do these things and resent her for it, yes. You're her mum and like a lot of DC who've never been told or shown otherwise, she sees your primary purpose in life as being to facilitate her life. If you (understandably) don't want to do this anymore, you need to say so. You can't really tell her how many nights to spend at home. You can tell her if she wants a warm room she buys a heater and/or contributes more to the bills. You can tell her than unless she tells you she will want dinner you won't be buying in food for her, as food waste is wrong. You could even go as far as to swap rooms with her. Although personally I wouldn't just yet. You have the whole house and that's her only space.

Yes, YABU to resent your daughter when you are doing very little, if anything, to fix the situation and her bad attitude.

Start off with the small stuff she can’t challenge. Swapping the bedrooms back round should be a piece of piss if she’s never there. Put a lock on your ‘new’ bedroom if necessary.

Then stop cooking, cleaning, washing and buying food for her. That way even if you’re not getting rent, at least you’re not haemorrhaging so much money on her upkeep.

Heating and rent are probably more contentious and difficult to enforce since she knows you won’t throw her out so go for the easier wins first.

And if she still kicks off after you’ve shown her an itemised breakdown of the bills, I would simply say “If you don’t like it, you can move out”. Then repeat ad nauseam.

Agree with everyone, you have to set the boundaries in your own home, you haven't so you are getting walked on. You don't need to argue, you need a proper chat about her finances, the room, the whole thing, and then say, I understand if you want to move out, and I'll support you to do that, if you are going to carry on living here, this is what needs to happen.

The 25% extra council tax has to be the starting point.

Because she'll be able to afford to go off with the boyfriend

She's using her mother while she needs to

She's 22!!!! You're enabling her. Yes, we support our children but she's taking the biscuit. Set boundaries and stick to them. You may begin to resent her as she continues to zap your energy, never mind your finances!!

@Nanny0gg Tbf, it won’t be a bad thing for her DD to move out at that point and she’ll get a shock when she has to cover the true costs of running a household. The OP’s bills, however, will drop drastically!

But the OP can start enforcing boundaries now, such as putting starting the heating on a timer and showing her DD how much things cost.

Get your bedroom back! Put the heating on when YOU want it, especially when DD is not there! Work out what a reasonable financial contribution from her should be and charge her that. She is taking the piss ... you can choose not to be pissed on!
There was a period when I took my DD and family in after a house fire ... in fact I did not charge them, BUT they helped, cooked, cleaned, contributed food,went out of their way to be accommodating etc. ... and made no demands.

Show her the bills. She’s obviously clueless. Stop buying her food, doing laundry etc. She’ll soon learn. Don’t give her a choice re paying more. She can argue all she likes, but she needs to pay her way or find something else. Take back the bigger room. You’re being a total mug, OP.

You need to swap rooms and re-establish some boundaries. She needs to be paying the extra council tax plus a reasonable rent. Stop buying food for her, she can shop for herself and reduce the food wastage (and the cost to you). You could go further - give her a day or 2 per week when she can access the washing machine and do her own. She also needs to be better at communicating when she’ll be around - a curtesy to those she lives with, not last minute but what she expects for the week ahead.

Just tell her you’re swapping the bedrooms, she’s hardly there and pays next to nothing, so can have the small room. Swap while she’s away.

Also work out 2/5 of the bills and charge her that each month

Most 22 yr olds are self centred, you just have to set your boundaries!

Its difficult to live with adult children. Lots of posts by parents to that effect. These days we have to. But we can at least set some boundaries.

I didn't charge mine during degree although tbf they lived out.

I charge £10 a day so for your dd that would be £30 a week.

Options:-

1. Stop being a doormat and charge a proper rent.
2. Stop being a doormat and kick her out.
3. Stop being a doormat and tell her to bugger off and live with her Dad.
4. Keep being a doormat and let your DD continue being a spoilt brat.

While she's gone swap rooms. She's paying a pittance and that equals the small room.

Washing, nice it's there but don't do it. She needs to do her own.

Food, buy what you want to eat, make meals for her when she's there but don't shop specifically for her. If she wants what you don't have then she can buy it.

Boyfriend, she cleans up after him.

Bills - work out the % of time she's there and that's what she pays. Heating, she doesn't get to control that if she's not home.

You don't need to have an argument to make changes in your house. If she doesn't like it she can move out and pay for herself. Sounds like she's wasting money and not saving while she has the chance.

@Reindeerhouses I think we have the same DD, and I fully understand your resentment. I have had to stand very firm with mine and insist she pays her way. I don't earn a lot and she has a ridiculously high disposable income for her age (she lucked out with a decent job following an apprenticeship). After a lot of arguments and insisting on my part she pays me the additional 25% council tax plus 25% of the utilities, tv licence, broadband, 100% of her mobile phone bill and £100 a month for food/laundry detergent / loo roll / cleaning materials, toiletries like handwash, toothpaste etc. I also give her lifts to / from work sometimes or to visit friends as there's only my car and although she can drive the cost of insurance and running a car for her at this age (19) is ridiculous. I do the shopping and will get stuff in that she asks for & she often takes a packed lunch to work. I don't ask her for anything towards rent/mortgage, household insurance or maintenance / repairs. It's just the two of us, so she's living for a hell of a lot less than if she moved out and into a shared flat or house, and she's got the master bedroom with en-suite. I don't mind that really as my room suits me fine & I still have the other bathroom to myself anyway. So she's giving me £290 a month, and even after her bus fares for work and pension contributions she's still got about £1k to spend on herself. But the £290 makes a massive difference for me. Every single month after payday I have to nag her for at least a week to get her to pay her board. She hugely resents paying it. It's a constant battle and source of friction, but I know I'm not asking for anything unreasonable and it wouldn't be good for her in the long run if I gave in. It's exhausting because every month it's the same, I end up having to refuse to give her a lift somewhere, or withhold something else she wants from me, before she pays up.