To resent adult dd a bit.

[Reindeerhouses]

This is going to sound awful. I know I am being unreasonable but I'm frustrated.

Dd is an adult and lives with me but treats the place like a hotel. She is gone three nights a week at least and only returns late the next day usually with mounds of washing. She's expects the heating on 24/7 and most of the year because she feels the cold so her room is warm when she gets back.

I gave her the biggest bedroom and I have a tiny one because obviously she was a kid and needed space but now she's never here I resent the lack of room.

She pays £40 a month and doesn't see why she should pay more as she isn't here much. She earns around a 1k a month so while I'm struggling to pay all the bills and the extra council tax I pay for her being here, the extra heating costs, the extra cost of laundry etc she is getting take aways every day and buying expensive items then roaming through the cupboards and fridge here moaning that she wants nothing I have got in.
If I buy her stuff it goes off and gets thrown away anyway because it goes out of date before she decides to come home.
Two other days a week she turns up with her boyfriend in tow so truly feel like a hotel!

Aibu to resent her a bit?

You’re enabling her behaviour so it’s no surprise she’s a spoilt brat.

My DS is 19 and in education. He works part time on a similar salary to your DD. He pays £400 rent per month. He also cooks for the family once a week and helps with chores. His room is a tip but I let that go a bit.

Don’t ask. Don’t argue. Just calmly tell her how things are going to be.

Maybe insist she sets up a direct debit / standing order?

I wont be taking rent from my children though one of them is on the way to getting a high earning job. Because I can afford not to. But I have other rules.

You need to make the ones you need.

If you are still paying poll tax you've missed some quite important information?!

Stand up!

@Elsvieta oh tell me about it, nagging her to set up a standing order is part of the monthly ritual!

The first thing you do is change the bedrooms around and do it when she's not there.

Then you send her a message to say she has to pay 200 per month plus the difference in the council tax

Where is she staying the other days? Tell her to do her washing there.

You need to toughen up with her. The heating goes on twice a day, otherwise she pays for it. Change the bedrooms back. She is taking the P and you’re allowing it.

YABU for resenting her for this rather than changing things. Swap rooms, tell her you need more money as she is costing you a fortune in gas bills and tell her she buys her own food because you are sick of waste and can't afford it.

Distance learning does qualify for the council tax exemption if you are studying 21+ hours a week. Some councils seem to give people the "distance learning doesn't count" and you have to push back. It may be that your daughter is a part-time student and doesn't qualify, but if she's nominally doing 21+ hours, it's worth pursuing that one. Or rather, telling her that you will be charging her the extra council tax, but it may be worth her pursuing the possibility of a reduction.

OP I was in the same situation regarding the bedroom (bit glad I’m not the only parent who falls for the “I need more space” song…) - just swap it back. It’s just going to breed resentment the longer you keep going.

With us it was an awkward few weeks (my DD was so angry she even went to stay in a hotel) but it needs to happen. I’ve made peace with the fact that trying to make their lives as comfortable as possible just isn’t viable: I thought she’d appreciate it but she just became entitled and selfish, which my DD didn’t use to be at all.

I haven’t started charging yet as I can somewhat afford not to because she’s struggling in fitting in time for PT work, but she’s been informed that when she finishes uni she’ll have to pay her share, whatever that amount will be. She’s had college, a gap year + uni to do whatever she wants with her money, that’s more than enough years.

But why is it? Why do you just "nag" and not insist, i.e. stand over her while she does it, and not take no for an answer? Do it on the driveway if you have to, and don't let her in the house until it's done. Or next time she wants a lift, pull over somewhere half-way and don't keep going until it's done.

You really are letting her treat you like shit. Why?

You're doing her no favours op, she will make an awful flatmate/partner for some poor bugger in the future