To resent adult dd a bit.

[Reindeerhouses]

This is going to sound awful. I know I am being unreasonable but I'm frustrated.

Dd is an adult and lives with me but treats the place like a hotel. She is gone three nights a week at least and only returns late the next day usually with mounds of washing. She's expects the heating on 24/7 and most of the year because she feels the cold so her room is warm when she gets back.

I gave her the biggest bedroom and I have a tiny one because obviously she was a kid and needed space but now she's never here I resent the lack of room.

She pays £40 a month and doesn't see why she should pay more as she isn't here much. She earns around a 1k a month so while I'm struggling to pay all the bills and the extra council tax I pay for her being here, the extra heating costs, the extra cost of laundry etc she is getting take aways every day and buying expensive items then roaming through the cupboards and fridge here moaning that she wants nothing I have got in.
If I buy her stuff it goes off and gets thrown away anyway because it goes out of date before she decides to come home.
Two other days a week she turns up with her boyfriend in tow so truly feel like a hotel!

Aibu to resent her a bit?

£40 a month 🤦‍♀️

Says it all.

Well that's you're problem. She's walking all over you because she can. So stop her being able to.

Tell her either she pays you more or she's out, that you're swapping bedrooms or she's out, that you're in control of the heating or she's out.

And mean it. She's a grown adult, she can fend for herself if she has to. So either she lives in your house and respects you, or she finds herself somewhere else to live.

Should have another '0' added to it.

To be fair, it is easy to say, just put your foot down, why are you allowing this, and so on to the OP. If she has been beaten down low, as she says, she may not have the mental fortitude to have constant conflict with her Daughter. We don't know how fragile she could be feeling at this moment in time.

My Disabled DD27 pays £250 a month. She is only on UC. Your daughter is not paying her way.

Time to lay down the law. My 24 year old DD is home with me temporarily and although I don't charge her rent, she cooks, she cleans, she does laundry, she cat sits when I go away, she has completely revamped my kitchen, living room and bathroom and is altogether a joy to be around. She eats what's on the menu and if she wants something else, she pays for it. Your DD needs to roll up her sleeves, stop moaning, muck in and behave herself.

I understand that, but this behaviour doesn’t just appear overnight. OP needed to put in boundaries and consequences for a long time preceding this.

Stop resenting her and start being a parent, enforce boundaries.
If she makes a fuss she’s welcome to find somewhere else for £40 a month. Good luck to her.

I think it would be helpful to do a spreadsheet of all your household outgoings so:
Rent/mortgage
Electric/Gas
Water
Council tax
Broadband
You could also estimate food

and show your daughter what you are paying every month.

Explain that life is expensive and you are feeling the strain while she is adding to your expenses rather than sharing the strain.

I think it would be reasonable to ask for £100 a week.

Let her argue. Let her whinge about it. She only has power if you give it to her and can only walk all over you if you lay down to her.

Legally, if she's not on the rental agreement or the deeds of the house, she has no right to live there - remind her of that.

Well, you're being a bit U if you just sit nursing your resentment and don't do anything about it.

There don't have to be any extra heating costs - just because she "expects" something doesn't mean you have to do it. Do what you want with your own heating and ignore any moaning. Swap the rooms back, charge her a sensible amount of rent and tell her that if she doesn't like the food you've bought she's perfectly welcome to do some shopping herself. And that if she doesn't like your house rules she's at liberty to move out. Nothing will change until you change it. Luckily, you have all the power.

Yes, that may be the case, but for whatever reason she is where she is now. Hopefully she may be able to make some changes that will make her life more pleasant going forward.

She is using distance learning. Is she engaging in the program in a way that has her graduating similar to a student attending a brick and mortar university? If not, and she is really only in part-time education, then I would scale back your financial support to part-time levels.

she should be contributing to the household in proportion to what percent of full-time education she is doing each year.

If she is in full-time education and working on top of that, I would try to be understanding that she is simply living like a student and you are playing the normal parental role of supporting her. It’s harder when they live at home instead of shipping them off to student halls.

Stop buying her food and stuff. She can sort those things herself. It saves you spending money and faffing around the shops.
Food, clothes, shoes - anything she wants or needs she pays for out of her own wages.
Sorted!

Ditto washing of clothes. She sorts herself out - AND buys her own washing powder.

You don’t need to do anything. No announcement needed if you don’t want to. Just stop getting things in and stop doing her clothes.

You’re not doing right by her or you, OP. This is ridiculous and isn’t setting her up for adult life. A 22 year old shouldn’t have endless freedom and yet almost no responsibility - why would anyone want to take on the shite parts of adulthood when thy could live like the most indulged, boundary-free child perpetually instead?

Swap the rooms back. Do not do her laundry - she needs to do it herself and in a considerate way (not leaving her things in the washer indefinitely, etc). She needs to meet basic cleanliness standards in the home and participate in regular upkeep. Buy basic groceries she can use and welcome her to join you for cooked meals if she gives you a heads up (if she no-shows stop offering) but she needs to buy her own special foods. And above all, increase her contribution. Life doesn’t need to be miserable just because she’s in school, but she absolutely should not have £950 of fun disposable income when she’s working part time making £1000 per month and not supporting herself - it just teaches young adults to live far outside their means. Decide on a modest amount of disposable income (she should feel cash strapped but not miserable), figure out a reasonable contribution to the household bills that will keep you from constantly struggling, and then require the rest go into savings.

Poll tax?! Is it still 1991 where you are?

@Reindeerhouses YANBU

1. Swap rooms. The small room will be warmer for her if she doesn't like the cold.

1. You need to charge her far more than £40 a month. If you lived alone you'd get a 25% discount on council tax so a starting point is 25% of CT. Then she should pay 21% of the gas/elec as that's her share for 3 days a week. Then food contributions for 3 days.

Realistically a minimum of about £350.

"it causes arguments".

Yes, obviously it will. And?

Have the argument and enjoy knowing you'll win it, because it's your decision, not hers.

How did you come up with the amount of £40 a month? What does that even cover?

So stop arguing about it. Tell her the facts-
-Her rent is now £x
-You are changing rooms
-She has no say in the heating
-She does her own cleaning, washing, shopping and cooking.

If she doesn't like them then she's welcome to leave. You're doing her absolutely no favours in letting her live this way.

For a start, swap rooms with her. If she complains, point out that she pays you peanuts because she is never there, by her own admission. Also, stop quietly resenting things you can change.

Sorry OP but healthy relationships require conflict sometimes. Rupture and repair. It’s your job to model this stuff to her.

Are you actually doing her washing at 22?? Say no!

She should be paying either half the utilities or £100 pw.its very kind when parents don’t ask much of their kids to allow them to save up a deposit but 1) she’s not saving 2) you can’t afford it.tell her she is welcome to move out and rent privately if she thinks that’s unreasonable.

is she really adding that much to your heating if she’s almost never home?

That's crazy. I paid my Mum £400pm to live with her and only really ate breakfast at home, although she would always include me in meals if I was there.

You need to take the big bedroom back and she needs to figure out a salary she can actually live on realistically.

I think you need to sit her down and have a calm "new year, new rules" conversation.

Lay out the financial reality, and give her a clear figure for what you consider an appropriate new contribution from her (and if the figure you come up with doesn't mean she is covering her own costs in entirety, and you are still financially supporting her, make it clear to her how much it is costing you each month).

Set some rules around her practical contribution too, eg that you won't be doing her laundry for her anymore unless she contributes to chores on an equal basis, eg you do one wash, dry and fold a week and she also does one.

She will likely protest but a protest does not need to become an argument. She can say she's not going to pay more or do more, in which case you pull all support (eg food, laundry, longer heating hours) AND also insist on swapping rooms (I personally see this as a hill not to die on if she agrees to pay more and contribute more).

Explain to her that she is on her way to being a fully independent adult and it's your job as a parent to help that process. Allowing her to be dependent isn't serving her best interests or yours. Stay calm, don't argue about whether you're right or wrong - it's your house and you know you're being fair, so don't get into it. Acknowledge that it's a big change for her and you know she won't be keen on it, but it's a necessary part of growing up.

Please read this @Reindeerhouses . You are enabling your daughter, it's not good for you but it's not good for her either.