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Original poster

Not to let dh take MIL food shopping on Xmas eve

1000 replies

Bookitonlinenextyear · 22/12/2024 12:20

Every year we prompt MIL about what a good idea it would be to book an online delivery. Every year she says ‘oh no - I like to pick my own fresh things the day before!’
Every year she then asks dh to take her. It takes AGES because she wants to look at everything and chat to everyone. It takes Dh away from me and the dc on Xmas eve and I find it irritating.

This year it’s been no different we told her please book an online delivery as we have plans this year we can’t take you shopping. She didn’t.
We offered to add anything she needed to our delivery due on 23rd. Not good enough, she as usual wants to pick her own things.

We have all come down with an awful cold/flu and she’s called dh to try to arrange to
go food shopping on Tuesday !!!! He is saying he feels he has to I’ve told him categorically no. That he can’t as if we aren’t all better I just want to rest and if we are all better I want to do something with the dc. She can get a taxi. AIBU to put my foot down ?

OP posts:
thepariscrimefiles · 22/12/2024 13:25

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Her DH doesn't want to do this. There are people in the world who are far worse off than OP's MIL. Why doesn't she think about them and what they are going through?

OP's MIL is invited to their home and she always refuses because the children are too boisterous. OP, who was in care as a child, wants to create her own family Christmases with her DH and her DC.

IsawwhatIsaw · 22/12/2024 13:25

Tryingtokeepgoing · 22/12/2024 13:18

I think she lost most people when she framed it as ‘letting him go’, as if she had the right to stop him! He needs to make his own decision, and if he doesn’t want to go shopping with his mother, which is what the OP says, despite the fact that he is, then it’s for him to tell her, not for the OP to prevent him going.

Personally I couldn’t get worked up about my husband, when he was alive, spending a few hours with his mother on Christmas Eve, even if he and I had rather he’d have been at home, because we both knew that supporting her was the right thing to do. And as they’re both now dead, I’m glad we took that approach.

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This. The shopping is a reason and gives her time alone with him. Keep it to a few hours, then he’s home again with you.
I used to collect my mother on Christmas Eve, it was a chance for a chat. I won’t be doing that this year as she’s died.

Santaclawws · 22/12/2024 13:25

biscuitsandbooks · 22/12/2024 13:25

He doesn't want to go.

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None of us know do they, I'm sure if he's getting grief and pressure not to go he won't be jumping for joy.

Fargo79 · 22/12/2024 13:25

DoubleShotEspresso · 22/12/2024 13:24

I cannot believe what I just read.

Some don't like/are unfamiliar with online shopping.
Many food grocery shopping is part of their Christmas ritual...
It's a time of year where we pause, take the time to share in these little chores in the run up to the big day.

There are many reading this who would give anything to be able to take their nearest & dearest shopping, but have lost them.

Allow your MIL & DH some time & memories please OP.

It's literally a couple if hours out your day.

"Time and memories"?? 🤣 Doing a supermarket shop with the flu on Christmas Eve?

biscuitsandbooks · 22/12/2024 13:26

Fargo79 · 22/12/2024 13:24

Why is everyone making out like this is a beautiful Christmas tradition between the DH and his elderly mum who needs the support because she can't shop alone and doesn't understand internet shopping??

She's 66 for goodness' sake. It isn't lovely. She's manipulating her son who is unwell and feels like shit, into running errands with her instead of spending precious family time with his own children. It sounds like she'd probably be welcome at their house if it was actually about having company, but she's too Mrs Bennett to cope with spending time with her grandchildren and chooses to keep pets that make her home unsuitable to host her family.

I'd be fucked off with this OP and I'd be telling my DH I expect him to grow a spine and be there for his children.

Exactly! I don't understand how so many people are supporting a manipulative woman who isn't even interested in seeing her grandchildren over Christmas because they give her a headache!

SameAsItEverWas24 · 22/12/2024 13:26

biscuitsandbooks · 22/12/2024 13:25

He doesn't want to go.

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Well maybe that's what he tells his wife to keep her happy.

AllTangledUpInTinselAndTiaras · 22/12/2024 13:26

biscuitsandbooks · 22/12/2024 13:24

Yep, they'll do anything to pile on an OP!

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They're going by the OP which gave the impression that DH wanted to go.

The clarification could be a strategic dripfeed or it could very well be true. In which case he needs to grow up a bit and make arrangements that do work for him.

the7Vabo · 22/12/2024 13:26

Bookitonlinenextyear · 22/12/2024 12:26

It does seem like this she won’t accept anything other than going in person. He has told her we are busy and maybe she can ask SIL but she’s come back with SIL has to work and she wants to go in the morning not after SIL shift but unfortunately that’s going to be her only option

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If she wants go in the morning, fine let DH take her early and then he has the rest of the day.
It’s a nice gesture for an older lady on Christmas Eve. It’s what Christmas is about surely.

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/12/2024 13:27

She sees DH 'for a bit' on Boxing Day.

This is really obviously her trying to see her son over the Christmas period. Can you both not just reframe this as his time with her on Christmas? It's the whole morning yes. But you get the whole of the afternoon, evening and Christmas Day.

Santaclawws · 22/12/2024 13:27

biscuitsandbooks · 22/12/2024 13:26

Exactly! I don't understand how so many people are supporting a manipulative woman who isn't even interested in seeing her grandchildren over Christmas because they give her a headache!

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Given OPs posts do you think OP actually would want her to spend time with them Xmas day?

Goldenbear · 22/12/2024 13:27

Goodness, if you are all on holiday now as opposed to working until Christmas Eve, you will have plenty of husband time!

She gave birth to him, surely she gets a bit of time with the person she created!

I'm going shopping with my Mum on Christmas Eve as she wants to contribute to the Christmas dinner, my DH has zero interest in these arrangements, he is at work until Christmas Eve but he still wouldn't care as he has a whole week to look forward to spending time with me and our teenage DC!

Mrswhatsit40 · 22/12/2024 13:27

DoubleShotEspresso · 22/12/2024 13:24

I cannot believe what I just read.

Some don't like/are unfamiliar with online shopping.
Many food grocery shopping is part of their Christmas ritual...
It's a time of year where we pause, take the time to share in these little chores in the run up to the big day.

There are many reading this who would give anything to be able to take their nearest & dearest shopping, but have lost them.

Allow your MIL & DH some time & memories please OP.

It's literally a couple if hours out your day.

BUT THE DH IS ILL AND DOESNT WANT TO DO IT FFS!!

He has already suggested to his dm that she do an online shop or add items to theirs etc. she's refused!

Why are people ignoring this part???

It's wild!

mumda · 22/12/2024 13:27

Compromise and get on with a lovely Christmas eve morning without him
Your child should appreciate that daddy goes to look after his mummy because that's good.

The fact she doesn't like you is irrelevant. Awful but irrelevant. Make your own Christmas eve morning tradition. You're all lucky to not be at work on Christmas eve.

She's 66 so expect this until she's dead. Which might be a long time. So make happy memories.

burntheleaves · 22/12/2024 13:27

FatFiatMultiplaWhopper · 22/12/2024 12:31

You sound a bit nasty. If my DH told me what I was and wasn't "allowed" to do with my own parents we'd have sharp words.

If my DH pissed off fir hand the day and left me and the dc on Christmas Eve we would be having words.

When you have dc you have priorities with them. There is no reason his mother couldn't do the shopping earlier or online.

She won't be around forever sure. But the dc won't be young forever either.

He doesn't sound like he even wants to go with his mother.

biscuitsandbooks · 22/12/2024 13:27

Santaclawws · 22/12/2024 13:25

None of us know do they, I'm sure if he's getting grief and pressure not to go he won't be jumping for joy.

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Well, I'm not in the habit of assuming the OP is lying - she's said he doesn't want to go and that he feels guilt-tripped.

There's absolutely no reason for a 66 year old woman to demand hours of her adult son's time on Christmas Eve just so she can go to the supermarket. He's a parent to young children who have all been unwell - that takes priority, not her desire to go to the shop at a certain time Hmm

TENSsion · 22/12/2024 13:27

I think she’s being unreasonable to be so rigid with her plan but also so reliant on your husband.
Could you compromise and say for her to get a taxi there, do her shopping and then phone husband when she’s done so they can go to the cafe for a coffee and he can help her put her shopping away?
We always have big plans with the kids on Christmas Eve so this would be annoying for me too. Especially when you’ve offered to take her on other days.

Cornettoninja · 22/12/2024 13:27

biscuitsandbooks · 22/12/2024 13:25

He doesn't want to go.

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…. Says the OP who had already confirmed that the relationship between her and MIL is strained and hostile. We can only go by the DH’s actions as we have no insight at all into his thoughts.

RebelliousStarrChild · 22/12/2024 13:27

Bookitonlinenextyear · 22/12/2024 13:15

I don’t have any family that I know of. I have my family which is dh and dc. I want to just spend Xmas eve with them . For the last 3 years Dh has done this and this year I’m just exhausted from being unwell and really just want to do something nice as a family unit even if we are still unwell and just watch an Xmas film at home .

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So him taking his mum shopping for a few hours means you can't watch a movie together in the afternoon when he is back?
It sounds like you are just making up reasons to say no.

LizzoBennett · 22/12/2024 13:28

She's a demanding cowbag that doesn't give a damn about seeing her DGC. Who gives a damn if she enjoys the tradition? If someone doesn't prioritise you and your needs, then don't prioritise their needs. It's very simple. MIL doesn't seem to give very much. She's all take.

SameAsItEverWas24 · 22/12/2024 13:28

thepariscrimefiles · 22/12/2024 13:25

Her DH doesn't want to do this. There are people in the world who are far worse off than OP's MIL. Why doesn't she think about them and what they are going through?

OP's MIL is invited to their home and she always refuses because the children are too boisterous. OP, who was in care as a child, wants to create her own family Christmases with her DH and her DC.

Show quote history

So OP has no family of her own so denies her husband his family relationships. Just let it be OP. This is not how special memories are made. Be a bigger person and work around it.

biscuitsandbooks · 22/12/2024 13:28

Santaclawws · 22/12/2024 13:27

Given OPs posts do you think OP actually would want her to spend time with them Xmas day?

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Why wouldn't she? Confused or are you just trying to think up anything possible to put her firmly in the wrong?

Geranium1984 · 22/12/2024 13:28

Can they not go at 8/9am. Then he will be free for the rest of the day

burntheleaves · 22/12/2024 13:28

gingercat02 · 22/12/2024 12:31

I hope my son marries someone nicer than you OP. She's his mum, it's Christmas, and he's a grown man who is allowed to make his own decisions.

Yes and the OP is a grown woman who is allowed to be dissatisfied with his choices. If he as a grown man decided he wanted to go off to a brothel every Xmas eve are you saying that would be ok because 'he's a grown man who should be allowed to do what he wants

GodRestYouMerryGentlewench · 22/12/2024 13:29

Yep, they'll do anything to pile on an OP!

Who are ‘they’ please, @biscuitsandbooks? I’ve read the thread and given my own response. I don’t know any other poster here and have not colluded with any poster to pile on. So your remark seems bordering on offensive.

Struggling to understand how your response should be considered more valuable than any other?

MinnieGirl · 22/12/2024 13:29

I thought you were going to say she was 80+..but 66! I’m in my 60’s and quite capable of doing my own shopping! She’s being very cheeky…
I suspect she is just set in her ways and wants to do things her way… the comment about not coming to your house because the children are too boisterous is very telling. Everything is about what she want…she wants to shop on Christmas Eve she wants to go in the morning, not when it’s convenient for her daughter…she doesn’t want to come to your house because her grandchildren are too boisterous… but she doesn’t care that your family day is ruined.

I think your husband needs to decide what is reasonable and stick to it. So he is not free on Christmas Eve but can help her on 23rd. And stand firm. If she wants to go on 24th she can make her own arrangements. And why can’t she can get herself to the supermarket, and he will pick her up. And she can put her own shopping away! And he doesn’t need to make her lunch! So many ladies of her age are still working! If she won’t do an online shop that’s up to her. You need to do what’s best for your family and shopping in Christmas Eve is hell on earth...

Next year get in early…. Start in September..MiL if you want a lift with your Christmas shopping it will need to be on 23rd and DH will pick you up from the supermarket and take you home. Or as we’ve suggested previously you could order an online shop. Make it very clear that Christmas Eve is special and he won’t be available.

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