DP not wanting to drive my DD to hospital to say goodbye to her dying dad

[Ifinkyourefreaky]

My ds 25 and dd 16 dad died yesterday, he's my exh. His diagnosis was 6 weeks ago and he went downhill rapidly. My DP of 7years had been doing lifts to and from hospital as he's the only one that drives out of us all.
My dd lives with me and ds lived with his dad.
My dp was already in a mood with me yesterday morning and then last minute through in that we needed to get my dd to the hospital ASAP before her DF died as she really wanted to say goodbye to him and he had only a couple of hours left if that.
My dp didn't want to take her said she shouldn't be there to see him die it will scar her for life, It resulted in her crying and shouting 'I need to see my dad to say goodbye' and he said to her he shouldn't have to be dictated to by a little girl.
He relented, complained on the way to hospital that he's just a taxi driver for everyone and he doesn't have to be doing this ect..... He dropped us at the hospital....30min drive and told us to find our own way home.

I'm I being unreasonable to think that if he was annoyed/angry he should have just kept his mouth shut and sucked it up for one more day, as he made the whole thing so much more traumatic for my daughter.

I kept saying to him, this is not the time for you to be venting at us now can you please stop.

I can't speak to him or see him right now, I'm so angry with him. He doesn't live with us BTW.

I'm sure your daughter will appreciate you marrying this prize specimen of manhood after what he has done to her.

Just think how wonderful it will be for her home to be occupied by somebody who didn't just try to dictate how she behaved when her father was dying, but threw a strop and made her and her mother make their own way home afterwards as punishment.

Do you think he's going to be particularly caring towards her as she spends her first Christmas without her father? If she wants to talk about their last moments together? Is he going to refuse to give her a lift to the funeral? If he says he will, how does she know he isn't going to pull out on the day because he has decided he's not a taxi service and it's wrong for her to go as he was a bit sad at a funeral when he was 9? Is he going to leave her stranded and coming back on the bus then as well? How's he going to be as she goes into her GCSEs - helpful, thoughtful or a dickhead? What happens if she feels that her Dad should be here helping her revise? When she's upset, frustrated or hurting, is he going to react with care or demand that she treats him with respect?

And through all this, her Mum will clearly still be shagging him.

Of course, his behaviour has another payoff - he's made it clear to her that her home, her mother, how she is parented, how she is to experience feelings, stressful, painful situations and grieve are under his control. So she'll be looking to get the hell out as soon as she can. If you've been dating for a long time, he's at the point where he can see the end prize of house, your income, your cooking and cleaning within reach. Just a few more months to get the teenager out so he can have full control.

Just cut him off. Right now. Book an Uber for the funeral, for hospital appointments, everything. You don't need him now, you won't need him in the future, she doesn't and has never needed him polluting not just her life but forever contaminating the memory of her last moments with her father.

Your poor daughter having to be made to feel guilty by that lazy idiot in those exceptional circumstances. I'd leave him after that, disgraceful behaviour. He has shown his true colours there.

Could you drip feed any more?

Jeez.

I'm out.

Best of luck to your daughter going forward and for your driving test. Here's hoping you pass 👍

And best of luck to the DP that many have piled on. Hopefully he can seek counselling/treatment for his trauma and move on too.

That doesn't excuse it at all... her parent was DYING. His feeling on death don't matter at all.

Me and my dad dealt entirely oppositely when my mam died, he buried his head in the sand and pretended it wasn't happening and wasn't at the hospital. I sat by her every moment because I couldn't possibly imagine being anywhere else at that moment and the thought of her being alone would be devastating.

If he tried to ban me from being their because he find death upsetting and berated me while she died I would have NEVER forgiven him. Its abhorrently disgusting to yell at a grieving person for wanting to say goodbye. Calling her a 'little girl' is minimizing and disgustingly sexist too. A lot of horrific true colors have come out.

Anyone I know would go out of their way to help get someone to the hospital to a dying parent (even strangers) because its BASIC human decency and empathy.

Maybe there was somewhere else he wanted to be.

I'm sure OP's 16yo DD had somewhere she would rather be than saying goodbye to her dying father in hospital, too.

Fucking hell. Do people really think like you or is this just being a keyboard warrior?

who is abusing who here? the one who capitulated or the one who abuses goodwill?

This ⬆️

DITCH HIM.

He’s awful.

this kind of behaviour was the nail in the coffin of my marriage. I will never forgive my ExH for his behaviour on the day my dad died.

It will not get better.

This 👆 That is despicable and completely unforgivable.

Wow, aside from the fact it was insensitive of him to do it at that moment when her dad was dying!

He’s cold hearted.

No matter the inconvenience, I would never in a million years complain about taking a person to see their dying parent.

I would take a family member, friend, anyone really in these circumstances. It’s a critical moment in someone’s life.

I’m so sorry you have been the victim of abuse xx

Please, please find a way to get some counselling for yourself, if you haven’t already. The wounds of abuse go very deep and they affect how we see and value ourselves and what behaviours we will accept from others.

You are absolutely worthy of unconditional love and respect.
Try the Women’s Aid Freedom Programme.
best wishes to you 💐

So you take your neighbours to hospital appointments then? Like the OPs partner does for her daughter.

You would drive neighbours regularly for several hours round trip to hospital over 6 weeks if a relative was dying - and respond immediately and with grace if they arrived and said - "my relative is dying and we need to go now!"Never mind if you had work or other commitments.

You are a good neighbour and should make sure that all your nrighbours know that you are there for them any place any time.

I completely agree with this.

That's one of the most selfish things I have ever read on here.
He made it all about him .
Your poor daughter

Awful behaviour, in relation to anyone who is minutes/hours away from a massive bereavement, never mind a 16 year old girl.
Where's the support? Where's the 'partnership?'
He gave her a lift. Big bloody deal.
I'd be furious

Its not fucking goodwill... they are engaged (fairly normal not be accused of being a CF for getting a lift to the hospital for your sick child or in an emergency from the person you are MARRYING) and its an emergency short term situation where someone is DYING.

CF is a acquaintance asking you to drive 15 minutes in the wrong direction twice daily 5 days a week for years to drop their kid off at school while offering nothing of value to your life not you partner doing basic things.

This was not the time for him to have a strop. He could have had a quiet word with you about taxis or alternative arrangements.
You're daughter will never forgive him. And by extension, will judge you if you stay with him.
I'm glad he doesn't live with you. Presumably your son will come and live with you now. Your children need your full focus and support over the coming months.

The empathy is just oozing out of you 🙄

Because "the girl" is only 16, and "he" is a fully grown adult?

There’s so many issues that are posted here that could be resolved by adults being able to drive. Glad you’re trying op as you really need to leave this man! So many posters claim not driving isn’t an issue for them but for most people it makes life a lot harder.

Good luck with passing your test.

Sounds like he bent over backwards for you all and assumed his taxi duties were over once Ex passed away and being asked again was the final straw.

Only you know if he is a good guy or bad guy but either way, it's about time you all learned how to drive and stop expecting to be chauffeured everywhere or start getting Taxi's.

I'm sorry but that would be game over for me.

Is there a physical reason you didn't read OP's posts before replying?