DP not wanting to drive my DD to hospital to say goodbye to her dying dad

[Ifinkyourefreaky]

My ds 25 and dd 16 dad died yesterday, he's my exh. His diagnosis was 6 weeks ago and he went downhill rapidly. My DP of 7years had been doing lifts to and from hospital as he's the only one that drives out of us all.
My dd lives with me and ds lived with his dad.
My dp was already in a mood with me yesterday morning and then last minute through in that we needed to get my dd to the hospital ASAP before her DF died as she really wanted to say goodbye to him and he had only a couple of hours left if that.
My dp didn't want to take her said she shouldn't be there to see him die it will scar her for life, It resulted in her crying and shouting 'I need to see my dad to say goodbye' and he said to her he shouldn't have to be dictated to by a little girl.
He relented, complained on the way to hospital that he's just a taxi driver for everyone and he doesn't have to be doing this ect..... He dropped us at the hospital....30min drive and told us to find our own way home.

I'm I being unreasonable to think that if he was annoyed/angry he should have just kept his mouth shut and sucked it up for one more day, as he made the whole thing so much more traumatic for my daughter.

I kept saying to him, this is not the time for you to be venting at us now can you please stop.

I can't speak to him or see him right now, I'm so angry with him. He doesn't live with us BTW.

How come if you are "fed up of being a taxi service" you are allowed to shout at a 16 year old whose father is about to die? That's ok with some posters then is it? It's "understandable"? Is it ok for everyone, or just penis privilege? Massive free pass to behave like a cunt for this guy?

He takes my DD to hospital appointments sometimes, she has a heart condition so needs to go every 6 months for ecg and scan.

I hate when MNers are judgemental of people who choose not to drive but this is absolute madness.

You have a child who has a heart condition who needs to regularly go to the hospital and she also really struggles getting into a car with a stranger or on public transport, but you’ve still not got your license or pushed her to get hers.

You’ve relied on this man for 7 years, you don’t live together and as this has proven if he doesn’t do it then you’re all pretty screwed.

Please keep trying to pass your test as you do not want you or your kids having to rely on a man for lifts.

Aside from that, I think you being in a state of panic and it bringing up a traumatic experience for him did bring out the worst in him.

However, this isn’t something that I could forget and staying together is only going to cause resentment.

I am sorry for your children’s loss.
I think this is a classic ‘pick your moment’ scenario.
He is probably mightily fed up with being a taxi driver for you for the last 6 weeks when you don’t even live together, as that’s quite a commitment, but this was the very worse time for him to make his stand.
When we got ‘that’ call from the hospital for my DH last year we had 3 neighbours willing to drop everything to drive us an hour’s journey and wait with us as long as necessary. (We would do the same for them if necessary.)
I think you will find it hard to move past this. If he was genuinely concerned about your daughter seeing her father die then maybe there is a glimmer of hope if you want it.

OP/ her DC were told to get to the hospital ASAP. So presumably every minute counted.

If you were in that situation and you didn't drive, would you want to be calling round mini cab firms hoping someone could get a taxi to you in the next 5 mins? Or be relying on public transport? Risking getting there too late?

And would you really want to be with a partner that would be happy to sit back and watch you do that, instead of saying "jump in the car, of course I'll take you"?

I get he might be pissed off at feeling like a chauffeur. But to make an issue of it when a 16yo's dad is literally dying is unforgivable.

He has behaved disgracefully. Perhaps he doesn't like not being the centre of attention

I assume there are taxis or Ubers in your area? Two of you are adults presumably with credit cards, can’t you organise transport yourself. Why do you make yourself dependent on this man?

You should've intervened before your DD cried and begged. As soon as your boyfriend said no, you should've told your DD that you would book a taxi and go with her. Dump this dick head. Don't marry him. Your poor daughter. She lost her dad and panicked that she wouldn't be able to get to the hospital in time to say goodbye.

Wanker. Leave him. Your daughter will remember his behaviour and the cold, callous thing he said for the rest of her life. I don't know why any of you don't drive, but the way he handled that and his timing was awful. Relationship-breaking stuff in my view.

This.

Her daughter is only 16 and op is taking driving lessons. They're expensive and a car can be expensive to keep so maybe she's only recently been able to start learning.

So many dripfeeds. The DM will love this thread.

His behaviour was awful but bottom line is that it’s was and is your responsibility not his. He is not the parent nor your taxi driver.

Whilst he may have been fed up with the constant driving you all around this was completely unacceptable behaviour. He has shown his true colours to you. Focus on your children who will need you more than ever now and it’s probably time to take a good hard look at your relationship and decide whether this is the sort of person you want in your and your children’s lives. Just remember, children no matter what their age, learn about healthy relationships by those modelled to them. Would you find this acceptable behaviour if it was the partner of your daughter behaving this way?

Me too. I don’t think it’s unusual to have a decent level of compassion for another human being at a difficult time. Unless you’re the OPs partner.

I lost my dad at a similar age after a terminal diagnosis of only a few weeks. I didn’t get to say goodbye either. My parents were divorced but my mum still supported me and drove me to hospital (not the reason I didn’t get to see him before he died).

Honestly, this is unforgivable behaviour. If you don’t get rid of his selfish manchild you will lose your children forever after this.

@Ifinkyourefreaky that is really evil!! could your daughter not have got a taxi?? she really needed to be there!

Wow the privilege of middle class mumsnet where the answer is just learn to drive.

A people that dense they don't realize MILLIONS of people can barely afford to survive with covering basic necessary bills never mind the luxury of DRIVING which is very expensive.

Just to get a car on the road cost me £34 provisional, £900 for 24 lessons, £23 in theory, £62 in test fees x2, £600 for a 15 year old car, £550 for insurance, £50 for MOT and £150 for maintenance, £250 tax thats nearly £2,700 before I even put petrol in the thing to go anywhere. That was before the post Covid inflation prices too and I'm lucky to be an extremely low risk insurance category. Many of those costs are ongoing too maintenance was a killer.

He was fed up? A young girls father was dying and he didn't have it in him to give her lift without creating an argument. If anyone, let alone the young child of my partner of 7 years, needed to see their parent as they lay dying I would do it without hesitation.

This man needs to be gone from their lives

I'm sorry for the loss OP. A very emotional day for you and your DD, even though he was your ex.

The time for your BF to voice his concerns about being used as a chauffeur was not yesterday. He should have raised it quietly with you at another time, when your DD was out of earshot, so that you could discuss it calmly. Yes, he did put himself out quite a bit over the six weeks by the sound of it, but shouldn't he want to do this if he valued you and your DD? This was a perfect opportunity to bond with DD as a future step parent, but instead, with this behaviour, he has showed his true colours. His comment was so, so inappropriate about being dictated to.

Please think very carefully before you marry this man. Sounds as though you haven't even lived together yet. I would be expecting a calm conversation where he apologised to DD and you for his behaviour, and where you too could apologise for making him feel like a taxi service. If he's not open to talking about this in a calm and considered way then it would be game over for me. Actually, it would likely be over anyway, as I'm not sure I could get over him having a tantrum and the comments he made.

He no longer works, he's just over a year into his retirement.

After 7 years of being a taxi driver and 6 weeks of driving you to see an ex it would be understandable if he was fed up. Clearly he also has some trauma from a past death. It certainly was not the time to bring it up and refusing to pick you up afterwards is the part I'd find inexcusable.

I'd be talking to him about his past trauma before deciding whether to end the relationship. I cant imagine what he could say that wouldnt mean it was over.

yes, this is a reasonable comment, my take on it Ive described upstream,
that ‘fiance’ had reached saturation point, for possibly many and complex reasons,
as someone else said, the timing was not ideal, but then came the drip feed

tnere are many many kneejerk comments on here hanging the Fiance, lambasting other posters, as often happens, without following the thread properly, but yours is kindly meant @C152 and I thank you for this

Often in times of great stress peoples true nature comes to the fore. Unfortunately he has proved to be a nasty piece of work. The situation, which sounds horrific wasn't about him, yet he tried to make it about him, his feelings of being put upon. A partner is someone who has your back in a crisis. He had no ones back. Therefore he's no ones partner. I would sever all contact with him. Your daughter will never ever forgive him and you face loads of tension if you stay with him.

It's a 30 minute drive. So, one hour round trip.

He dropped us at the hospital....30min drive and told us to find our own way home.

He's still a cunt.

Get rid of him.