DP not wanting to drive my DD to hospital to say goodbye to her dying dad

[Ifinkyourefreaky]

My ds 25 and dd 16 dad died yesterday, he's my exh. His diagnosis was 6 weeks ago and he went downhill rapidly. My DP of 7years had been doing lifts to and from hospital as he's the only one that drives out of us all.
My dd lives with me and ds lived with his dad.
My dp was already in a mood with me yesterday morning and then last minute through in that we needed to get my dd to the hospital ASAP before her DF died as she really wanted to say goodbye to him and he had only a couple of hours left if that.
My dp didn't want to take her said she shouldn't be there to see him die it will scar her for life, It resulted in her crying and shouting 'I need to see my dad to say goodbye' and he said to her he shouldn't have to be dictated to by a little girl.
He relented, complained on the way to hospital that he's just a taxi driver for everyone and he doesn't have to be doing this ect..... He dropped us at the hospital....30min drive and told us to find our own way home.

I'm I being unreasonable to think that if he was annoyed/angry he should have just kept his mouth shut and sucked it up for one more day, as he made the whole thing so much more traumatic for my daughter.

I kept saying to him, this is not the time for you to be venting at us now can you please stop.

I can't speak to him or see him right now, I'm so angry with him. He doesn't live with us BTW.

Well maybe if the OP is being sooooo HARD on the poor iccle man, (as several posters have hilariously suggested) she should do him a favour and dump his ass. He doesn't sound very invested in her and her children anyway. He sounds like a self-serving, arrogant, tedious, selfish arse!

Do yourself (and your children) a favour @Ifinkyourefreaky Bin this loser.

This. What a cunt

You say he’s been traumatised by watching a relative die
sounds like that could be the route cause of the problem today he wouldn’t want to be any part of this today

Well I'm not calling the OPs DP a cunt without a stronger reason than the OP has drip fed so far.

Especially the bit about him being traumatised around a previous death.

Or is it because he's a male and doesnt get the same consideration?

And you missed the part where despite everything he STILL TOOK them to the hospital.

Total twat. OP, your poor daughter. And you. I know he's your ex but it will obviously kick off some feelings all the same. I'm so sorry for your loss.

For those harping on about him being the only driver. My dad was the only driver in my house for decades. He would not have behaved like this thundercunt. Give your heads a wobble to the people going on about it.

What a horrible man

My dp didn't want to take her said she shouldn't be there to see him die it will scar her for life

Fair enough but it's not his call to make , your DD can make her own mind up on these matters ,

Hang on.

if this man knows the trauma of witnessing a death and knows how anxious his 16 year old step-daughter is about being in cars with strangers then WHY would he abandon them to make their own way home immediately after she has that experience?

That a whole new level of cruelty and vindictiveness. LTB.

it wasn’t his place to make a judgement on whether or not your daughter should see her father to say goodbye.
power move
However
You could imagine his conflicted feelings about driving you, jealous, doubtful, insecure, feeling put upon, used, taken for granted? and possibly? wondering why
you need to be there ?
more so as he doesn’t live with you, called upon to provide chauffering services
when required - your daughter’s goodbye to her dying father could have been more sensitively handled by you, where is your son in this, or other close family member/s
not that it matters now

her crying and shouting 'I need to see my dad to say goodbye' and he said to her he shouldn't have to be dictated to by a little girl

I couldn’t get past that. Did you know he was a super cunt when you agree to marry him (noting you said you are engaged). You need to think carefully here as this could well ruin your relationship with your daughter. I couldn’t forgive a parent who married someone who said and did that.

So you are staying with the dick
Some people it’s pointless talking too

Why re you here op ? The first and message that agrees with your partner you reply too
And you are clearly staying with the man .

I work walking distance from my home so that's not a problem. He takes my DD to hospital appointments sometimes, she has a heart condition so needs to go every 6 months for ecg and scan. She's agoraphobic so he doesn't drive her to go to social events as she doesn't go to any and I wouldn't expect him to do that anyway. We made our own way back from the hospital. I was at his place which is very close to where I live when the call came through from my son saying could I get my DD to the hospital ASAP and yes he was put on the spot to then pick up my daughter and take her. I was in a bit of panic about getting her there as quickly as possible as I thought we might not make it before he died and she really wanted to see him to say goodbye.

What an awful man. Bin him, for your daughters sake more than anything. I’d never be able to forgive someone for this, from both your daughters perspective and yours .

💯👏

all the more reason to have close family assistance - there is now a good chance your boyfriend will be a stranger or estranged, what is it you want to know here,
a difficult situation exacerbated by neither you nor adult son driving

As I said I would do it. If someone approaches you over something this serious you make the time and arrange things to help.

I'd be rethinking that engagement/marriage. Him feeling like a glorified chauffeur might be true, but the time to raise it was NOT the moment when your DD was desperate to get to the hospital. Nor was it for him to decide that she was going to be similarly traumatised watching a loved one pass. He made her father's death all about him and that's totally unforgivable. Chances are she won't forgive or forget easily either.

I agree that there is a chance he isn't quite the ogre he appears. He acted lioe a rwat but perhaps what he was saying was tar he had genuine concerns that were being shot down and he was being ordered about like a chauffeur instead of a partner wuth experience to share. I suspect it is more tgis than actually objevting to the lift itself as that would have made more sense to put his foot down over one of the previous times.

He absolutely needs to pick his moment though, and is probably not very good at communication. I would be most cross about the belittling "little girl" sneer at a time like that. Thst is a cuntish thing to say and i hope he apologises I think what next depends on how he handles any repair, if you let him do that. Wouldn't blame you if you didn't.

I couldn’t stay with someone so horrible and callous. Absolutely disgusting behaviour. Put your daughter first and get this man out of your life. I can’t believe anyone would behave this way, so so horrible

The OP has expressed compassion for her partner and also hasn't mentioned breaking up. I personally think that there is no way he should have tainted in anyway her last memory. Really It is just insane that others think in anyway that is ok.

When my sister was dying, my DH drove me over 6 hours so I could spend some time with my parents. Covid restrictions meant few hospital visitors.

He drove us back and forth whenever we needed it. He dropped me off at my nieces house, then drove straight back to sit with my Dad for a while as my Mum had been called to the hospital. As soon as he got to me, we went straight back to get my Dad as we'd been allowed to visit my sister in hospital. DH wasn't allowed in but waited outside for us.

That's what someone who loves you does. And he drove the 6 plus hours home. I normally share the driving but not then.

and finish the story!

He left them to make their own way home after witnessing the trauma he has had personal experience of and was supposedly trying to protect her from. And he knows she had severe anxiety getting into cars with strangers. 🤔

yeah, what a great guy.

I think that’s irrelevant at this moment

That's out of line what you said. This was a serious situation. They weren't asking for lifts to go shopping or out with friends. It was to the hospital and the rest of them don't drive. I think it's perfectly normal to expect support like this from your partner otherwise why are you together?

Yes but you being able to drive doesnt take away from your fiance's attitude to your DD. And his action at a time when he needed to step up.

Engaged to be married but not living with you yet - do you think that's sensible or what is he waiting for? Does he want to be a family?