DP not wanting to drive my DD to hospital to say goodbye to her dying dad

[Ifinkyourefreaky]

My ds 25 and dd 16 dad died yesterday, he's my exh. His diagnosis was 6 weeks ago and he went downhill rapidly. My DP of 7years had been doing lifts to and from hospital as he's the only one that drives out of us all.
My dd lives with me and ds lived with his dad.
My dp was already in a mood with me yesterday morning and then last minute through in that we needed to get my dd to the hospital ASAP before her DF died as she really wanted to say goodbye to him and he had only a couple of hours left if that.
My dp didn't want to take her said she shouldn't be there to see him die it will scar her for life, It resulted in her crying and shouting 'I need to see my dad to say goodbye' and he said to her he shouldn't have to be dictated to by a little girl.
He relented, complained on the way to hospital that he's just a taxi driver for everyone and he doesn't have to be doing this ect..... He dropped us at the hospital....30min drive and told us to find our own way home.

I'm I being unreasonable to think that if he was annoyed/angry he should have just kept his mouth shut and sucked it up for one more day, as he made the whole thing so much more traumatic for my daughter.

I kept saying to him, this is not the time for you to be venting at us now can you please stop.

I can't speak to him or see him right now, I'm so angry with him. He doesn't live with us BTW.

I sat with my mum as she died and I am so glad I did. It certainly didn't traumatise me, but what did traumatise me was the family member who behaved in a similar way as your partner, not wanting to drive me there, leaving me there alone then afterwards behaving horrendously. That has stayed with me.

Your partner may have found being with someone as they died traumatic but he has no right to try to stop someone else being there for their father. He is the adult and should be able to put his feelings aside.

He chose absolutely the wrong ti.e to get to the end of his tether. As an adult he should be able to control this and he couldn't. He should apologise for his behaviour to your daughter and try to explain why he reacted like that.

Maybe he felt like the taxi driver because he's been in your and DD's life for 7 years, strongly felt that he didn't want your very vulnerable DD to be there, didn't want to take her to watch her dad die and was getting shouted at and shouted down. Only his ability to drive counted. Sounds like a highly fraught situation that could've been handled a whole lot better in hindsight but who knows, we weren't there, we can't talk to him about what was going on...

I'm I being unreasonable to think that if he was annoyed/angry he should have just kept his mouth shut and sucked it up for one more day, as he made the whole thing so much more traumatic for my daughter.

Exactly. One more day and he could have been the hero of the piece instead of acting like the villain and maing it harder. Yesterday was so not the day to make his stand about being a taxi service. Sorry for your and your kids' loss. How awful.

It really doesn't matter the backstory or how much driving he'd been doing, when his reaction to this

'I need to see my dad to say goodbye' (to my dying dad)

Is this

he said to her he shouldn't have to be dictated to by a little girl.

Surely you can't stay with him after that. At the very least don't change the fact that you don't live with him and aren't married to him.

This. Sorry for your loss OP X

Ok - he might be annoyed about the driving ... but to act like that as a child prepares to see their father die is just beyond belief. His annoyance is more important than the emotional state of a child who faces a traumatic experience.
Tells you all you need to know about him and who he really cares about .

This is what you should have been able to do call your partner for help.

Again he is horrible and all the attention was on a dying man and he didn’t like it .

I get why you were there . You were supporting your children. .

My parents split when I was young and never spoke I needed my dad with us at the funeral and he came and his dw understood. .
my df I suppose didn’t want to be there but he knew we needed him there. .

This man was being horrible trying to control a situation of a dying man.

Can only imagine the life you will all be living When he moves in and he takes control of the family home. .

her crying and shouting 'I need to see my dad to say goodbye' and he said to her he shouldn't have to be dictated to by a little girl.

This would the part that I absolutly could not forgive.

If he had “genuine concerns” for his step-daughter he had thirty minutes to think about how he could support her immediately after she had the trauma of witnessing her father’s death.

What did he in fact do?

Left them to make their own way home and her with severe anxiety about getting into cars with strangers.

genuine concerns my arse

Edingril
He is you chauffeur not your partner, so maybe he has a point?

This is clearly how he feels, so part of me feels bad for him. But I am taking my driving test next month so hopfully I'll pass and he won't be put upon anymore and I can return the favours when he needs to go places. Just at the moment I'm reliant on him.

This is completely gaslighting OP. Please don't feel sorry for him!

Sure, the timing is bad, but he STILL took the OP/DD to the hospital. So is he a big a cunt as people are making out?

Yes. He went off at OP's daughter before they left the house and then berated them all the way to the hospital, even though OP begged him not to.

I feel sorry for the guy - he has no link to the dying ex-partner, so in fairness, why should he have to have anything to do with him on any level - they arent mates/brothers/close confidants.

He's been in the DD's life since she was 9 and is going to marry her mother. The girl's dad was dying and she was desperate to see him one last time and the prick made it all about him.

No sympathy for him whatsoever.

No you are right. He was awful at the time it mattered most and leaving them there is horrible. Like I said, I don't know if I could forgive it.

However he did act in a caring way for six weeks before driving them around so he can't be completely evil. Only the op knows whether this one despicable thing was out of character or not or whether it's the wake up call she needs to end things.

Why are people reacting so negatively to @OnlyMabelInTheBuilding ?

this was my first thought and I’m not without empathy - my sympathy is
wholly with the ‘fiance’ In this situation, reduced to driver and being screamed at
for his trouble

calling him vile unpleasant names only shows your own entitlement, with an
expectation that he should do as he is told/requested/expected/demanded/required
and the OP is about to find the terms of their romantic contract are now up for renewal

He left you all there, said make your own way home⁉️ I'm disgusted. I'd have told him to pack and be gone by the time we get home. You poor love and yes, your daughter and son do have the right to say goodbye to their dying father. I feel for you all xx

That's unforgivable.

I have been in a similar situation and, honestly, I found it to be unforgiveable.

This sounds incredibly difficult and I can see both points of view. He has experienced the trauma of watching a relative die and has tried to express caution - I did this in my 30s and it was awful so cannot imagine how it would affect a teen with existing anxieties.

If he has been taking your daughter for 6 weeks a 1 hour round trip (has he waited at the hospital for her too?) I don't think he sounds a terrible person more just some1 who hasn't communicated his feelings in a sensitive way. It sounds as if its been a time of extreme stress for you I would tell your partner you need some space to support your children if he has a tantrum about that it will tell you everything you need to know

Where will these posters be in the new year when OP has dumped what was probably a perfectly good man. Nowhere

This cannot be real! I would do everything in my power to get a neighbour to the hospital in this situation. Arguing about doing so for my fiancé’s daughter would not cross my mind. It’s not an everyday event ffs.

This is not a ‘perfectly good man’.

The part that baffles me is that your subsequent posts are worded to suggest you have no intention of getting rid of this man, despite him seeing a young woman (your daughter) distraught at missing the passing of her father and thinking it appropriate to speak to her and you like that.

The man was dying, the lifts were always going to be temporary, sounds like a complete dickhead.

About 14 times. I did used taxis a couple of times when DP had other commitments.

Most normal people would give lifts to their step children to see their dying dad because they care about said children and are decent people with emotional intelligence.

What he did was unforgivable,he made the most awful situation so much worse,your poor daughter was already traumatised by what's going on and will never forget what her so called step father did to her just before she lost her dad.

I think you need to end your relationship with this cretinous creature.

Just so you know, my step dad drove me to see my dad when he died. He comforted me the entire time, took over the adult responsibilities (I was 16 too, mum was comforting me) and prayed with me for him. This man doesn't deserve to be in your daughter's life. It's not about the lift, it's about the way he acted while doing it. That's unforgivable

He made your daughter’s last visit with her dad all about him. He sounds very emotionally immature and selfish. I couldn’t be in a relationship with a man like him.

i do think you need to be more independent though. I am glad you are learning to drive.

consider the example this sets your daughter - is it acceptable to be in a relationship like this? Are you okay with your child being treated like this on the worst day of her life? Is it okay for someone to be this selfish and still be part of your life?

There isn't really any coming back from this OP - or is there? I mean thank god you don't live with him, but "engaged"? Maybe put your daughter first? Surely you're not going to sit down and play happy families with him over the turkey. What a waste of space.