DH eating DMIL's leftovers.

[Treesandsheepeverywhere]

DMIL is coming to stay over Christmas and I suddenly thought back to the last time she was here and the things DH does around her.

After a meal, if he's collecting plates, he'll scrap off last bits from DMIL and eat them.
We're talking last two peas & gravy, pie crumbs or three slices of coleslaw cabbage. He'll also use her fork to eat it.

It's not finishing a proper bit of food which I'd understand, more food in the kitchen if he was starving.

Another thing is he puts her wants first, serves her first when dishing up, ask her if she'd like abc a certain way even though he knows she'll ooh and ah for ages, yet if he'd brought it whichever way, she'd have still eaten it.
Will have a full on conversation whilst I wait for him to do something, when he eventually does it, he will say DMIL was talking and he didn't want to interrupt.

I said, if a postman was at the door, he would have stopped her to answer the door, so why not do the same for me, as it would have taken him 2 minutes before he could go back to chatting.
She was using our room and I'd asked him to collect some of my bits I'd forgotten to take out. Went in, shut the door and took 20 minutes or so before he came back.

I wouldn't lick my DM's or anyone's plate, except maybe DH's, so maybe it's a personal thing.

When I cook, I always serve him first, shouldn't he do the same?
Sounds petty as I type but just
makes me feel he still has the apron strings attached somewhat.

DMIL is controlling at the best of times and DH finds her a challenge. I want to therefore be supportive instead of letting above situations fester.

YABU - licking plates, putting her first etc is fine.
YANBU - Disgusting and should put me first.

The plate thing is grim. The rest sounds normal to me, I’d always serve my guests first and my DH 2nd to last and myself last, same as he would. When it’s just the 2 of us we would of course serve each other first but I’d expect his mum/ any guest to be served before me.

@GivingYourHeadAWobble hmmm...even without the licking it is horrible manners. I guess it's the sort of thing a busy parent might do with their kids leftovers when they're too busy to eat properly. Like just shove a half eaten fish finger in. But not adults amongst eachother in polite company.

Serving her first at dinner is just politeness. I was taught that senior women were served first, then senior men, then younger folks of either sex after that. With hosts served last.
It's just respectful to older people and guests. So that in itself isn't a bother to me.

I understand your point but he's a grown man.. apologies if i got the licking the plate bit wrong though.. I thought that's what he did 😳😳

Guests first, family hold back, is what I was always brought up with. I guess born out of rationing etc as it was that generation I learnt it from.

Guests get fed first and best.

Sorry, ironically was on a video call with DMIL, she might be telepathic 😅.

I've already agreed on the serving. Point taken and won't let it bother me.

He interrupted the job to chat to her, not the other way round.
Of course I wouldn't interrupt them mid conversation.
Job was in her room, she was up but still in bed, hence asking DH to do it.
He could have gone in, done the 2 minute job, then gone back to chat.
As it was, I had to wait 20 minutes for him to get back.
I didn't knock as I didn't want to interrupt.

Bedroom was my idea, so not bothered about her having it either.
I made it extra nice for her as she'll be on holiday.

Seat wise, the conversation is in the livingroom, but I'd pop into the kitchen to check on things, do the next stage of cooking etc.
Again, as it's her holiday/ Christmas, I make special stuff off recipes. DH would be in the livingroom too, but she would still shout across.
You all know the stress of hosting, cooking, trying to read a recipe and someone interrupting.
I'm not shut away in the kitchen for hours as I do most prep before guests arrive anyway. Again it is annoying.

She's the type to speak over the hoover, I'd turn it off, go to her and she'd be asking what make/how old/what bags the hoover takes. Things that can wait basically, but she has to say it there and then.

The licking, it's licking as in licking licking as well as the scraping.

I never lick DH's plate, I meant as in if I were to lick anyone's, it would be DH's, not even my DM's.

Thinking back, she'd usually offer her plate to him when she's done eating and he would finish off the last bits.
I have no issue with this as it's actual food.

The scraping and licking just grossed me out bit let it go at the time.
She doesn't normally finish her food, but had on the last occasion, so there wasn't anything proper iykwim.
Took me by suprise and with her coming over again, it suddenly popped up in my head for some reason.

I've clearly been suppressing it all year.

Thanks for all the replies.

I don’t even know what I’m reading anymore, this is disgusting.

YABU that he should serve you first, presumably MIL is older so she should always be served first.

The plate-clearing is a bit odd, YANBU there.

The OP hadn't clarified that bit and we all thought she was exaggerating but any plate licking is gross 🤣

The plate thing.. why why why? Is he trying to actively get some of her germs?!

He interrupted the job to chat to her, not the other way round.
Of course I wouldn't interrupt them mid conversation.
Job was in her room, she was up but still in bed, hence asking DH to do it.
He could have gone in, done the 2 minute job, then gone back to chat.
As it was, I had to wait 20 minutes for him to get back.

This is confusing. You say the job was in her room and that he could have done it and gone back to chat - but “go back” from where? You say you were waiting 20 minutes for him to get back - why did he need to come back? To receive more orders? What was so important about this job that took place in a room you weren’t even in that it HAD to be done that very minute?

Are you really that worried about him being under his mother’s thumb? Or are you worried he’s just under the wrong thumb?

But the big question is OP that I’m pretty sure everyone wants answered is - WHY is he licking her plate?!

As others have said, it’s one thing to eat a left over slice of pizza or a roast potato but cold bits of peas and cabbage is really disgusting and weird. If he’s then picking up the plate and licking it clean like a dog then it’s utterly bizarre!
Does he think he’s getting it extra clean before it goes in a dishwasher? Was he taught to do this growing up because he took his mother saying he had to clear his plate before pudding literally? Was he raised by a pack of wolves in early childhood then rescued by his mother and that’s why he’s so close to her? Is it gratitude or fear she will release him back into the wild?

In all honesty I’d be telling him that if he continues with the plate licking like a Labrador then you will be the one releasing him back into the wild. It turns my stomach thinking about it and I can’t imagine why both you and his mother haven’t pulled him up on it, if he does it again I’d serve his food in a dog bowl!

What was the job you needed him to do and come back again? If it was something like getting something you needed from your room then bringing it to you then that makes a bit of sense, otherwise why did you need him to come back if he then had time to go back into carry on his conversation?

I think until you address the questions about the plate licking it’s what a lot of people will focus on, I expect many people suspected it was exaggeration to influence voting you were not being unreasonable. Does your husband do this in restaurants?

I think you are unreasonable for mentioning the fact that your husband licks plates casually without giving an explanation why. He must have to pick it up to lick it or bend over to do it, is this if he’s eaten what’s on it already or does he eat like a cat?

I wouldn't even lick my kids plates - what is the need! Fair enough, giving some food left to another but scraps & licking the plate - yuk!

He licked it out of the blue. It was a meal he'd cooked and obviously enjoyed it.
Had never licked one before, just finished off proper food.
He scrapped everything then picked it, plate to face way.

I asked him to get my make-up, which he could have come back with, then gone back to chat.

@Treesandsheepeverywhere you need to tell him how disgusting it is to lick a plate!! obviously that fine mother of his did not teach him any manners!

@Treesandsheepeverywhere

she is a guest in your home. Your husband is right to serve guests ahead of you. Don’t you do this when you have friends over or whatever, serve them first over your husband. It’s just polite and good manners.

The licking of the plate is gross though. I don’t lick others plates nor do I share cutlery or drinks with other and that would include my own parents, own children etc. you can get all sorts from saliva e.g glandular fever

The licking of plates is gross but I eat dc leftovers so am probably equally bad. I think he should serve her first as guest. Possibly a bit more patience from you and a bit more speed from him and you could meet in the middle somewhere.