DH eating DMIL's leftovers.

[Treesandsheepeverywhere]

DMIL is coming to stay over Christmas and I suddenly thought back to the last time she was here and the things DH does around her.

After a meal, if he's collecting plates, he'll scrap off last bits from DMIL and eat them.
We're talking last two peas & gravy, pie crumbs or three slices of coleslaw cabbage. He'll also use her fork to eat it.

It's not finishing a proper bit of food which I'd understand, more food in the kitchen if he was starving.

Another thing is he puts her wants first, serves her first when dishing up, ask her if she'd like abc a certain way even though he knows she'll ooh and ah for ages, yet if he'd brought it whichever way, she'd have still eaten it.
Will have a full on conversation whilst I wait for him to do something, when he eventually does it, he will say DMIL was talking and he didn't want to interrupt.

I said, if a postman was at the door, he would have stopped her to answer the door, so why not do the same for me, as it would have taken him 2 minutes before he could go back to chatting.
She was using our room and I'd asked him to collect some of my bits I'd forgotten to take out. Went in, shut the door and took 20 minutes or so before he came back.

I wouldn't lick my DM's or anyone's plate, except maybe DH's, so maybe it's a personal thing.

When I cook, I always serve him first, shouldn't he do the same?
Sounds petty as I type but just
makes me feel he still has the apron strings attached somewhat.

DMIL is controlling at the best of times and DH finds her a challenge. I want to therefore be supportive instead of letting above situations fester.

YABU - licking plates, putting her first etc is fine.
YANBU - Disgusting and should put me first.

Isn’t it? I can’t imagine deciding in advance where someone is going to sit. I thought everyone knew guests get served first. You just don’t like her @Treesandsheepeverywhere.

She's there to see you and her son, not gaze at the garden. What were you expecting her to watch, herds of wildebeest sweeping majestically across the lawn?

Excellent reference

And what would OP have done if, had she been able to introduce MIL to her seat as planned and explain its lovely view of the garden, MIL had said, “Oh thanks, but I’ll sit here by the kitchen - easier to join the conversation”?

@Treesandsheepeverywhere so he puts her first to the extent that you get punted out of your bedroom???? that would be a big NO from me! that aint happening! she can have a guest z bed or a sofa bed!! any smaller room would be cramped with two people in it but not with one!! not giving up my room for anyone! as for the food, does he look hungry that he needs to eat leftover off his mothers plate?? disgusting!

This

This, serving your husband first grosses me out, it's not the 1930s any more. I serve my kids first, then myself and my husband last.

Sounds like they have a very close relationship and none of that I would worry me. It's nice he is considerate of his mum.

I actually don't have a problem with this. But for us, in culture and religion, your mother is very important and is head of the family. We respect each other's mothers. We obviously don't put up with any stupid behaviour and anything we do doesn't result in hurting our other half's feelings. But serving your mother first, listening to her respectfully is a good thing! Your mother isn't in your life forever.

You say DMIL is controlling. So maybe he is just keeping the peace when she is around!

Licking/scraping crumbs and gravy off another person's plate to eat is absolutely disgusting. Why would you do that? Surely you just scrape it into the bin?
It doesn't even sound like an act of love. Just gross and weird. He's clearly bizarre.
I don't think I could cope with a man like that.

Surely that depends on her age?

My 93 year old dad for example wouldn't be able to sleep in a Z bed.

It just takes a little thought.

We always gave my parents our bed and slept on an air bed. Not once did my husband complain in over a decade beyond mildly remarking how nice it was to sleep in a proper bed when they’d gone home. He wouldn’t have lasted long with me if he’d taken your attitude.

Licking/scraping crumbs and gravy off another person's plate to eat is absolutely disgusting.

If it's true that is.

Strangely the 'plate licking' didn't rear its head until the OP was manipulating the votes.

It does read like you’re actually jealous of the attention he gives his mother op. And that’s just odd. Either you’ve issues surrounding jealousy or your marriage has real issues in it, and you’re thinking why doesn’t he treat me as well as that.

i don’t beleive for a moment he’s licking her plate. And I can’t think what’s wrong with you you’d write that.

This made me laugh!
If I know I can't eat all that son {an adult} had dished up on my plate , {eg, a pizza} he says ''leave what you can't eat, and I'll finish it''....so BEFORE I start eating, I divide a piece and put it to one side of my plate.

It sounds like he’s treating her politely like a guest. I’d always serve up guests first and listen to them.

The food thing is a bit weird, but it’s something I’d do with my kids, so I guess it’s not weirder the other way around.

I’ve got one that will give you the ick though. My mum has a gross partner (gross for unrelated reasons). If we had a family meal together, instead of going to get seconds, he will go around the table and ask people if they are going to eat that bit of chicken or that piece of broccoli on their plates. If not, he’ll collect it all on his plate for round 2. 🤢 It gives me the heeby jeebies. It’s so gross.

Giving up your room is weird when there is a spare.
The licking the plate is beyond gross.
Yuk, really yuk.

Don't respond to the questions in the kitchen if she prefers not to sit in the chair that makes it doable.

A lot of this is normal dynamics but the plate licking is stomach churning.

Listen. I get it. You're feeling pissed off he is prioritsing her over you. But he is showing his mum respect. I would avert my eyes at this behaviour. Pick your battles and let him give her the respect she deserves as a parent.

From reading all of your posts, it sounds like you have the problem and you're being too sensitive.

The plate thing is just fucking gross. Have you asked your DH why he does it?

You chose to give up your room. Didn't have to and shouldn't have if there's a spare.

Always serve guests first, not yourselves. It's basic manners. Doesn't matter who the guest is.

As for where she sat - WTAF?! Do you always assign seats to your guests? Did you want her to sit with her back to you in silence while you were essentially in the same room? Jesus Christ, why bother to invite her if you don't want anyone to talk to her?!

Give her a bloody seat in the kitchen and chat. Let the cooking take a little longer, so what? Give her a little job to do if she wants to.

If you're going to have guests over, you need to BE with your guests. Otherwise don't invite any.

Just sounds like she likes to chat - is trying to be friendly and you don't like her.
If my mum was round and DH asked me to do a job (!! In itself... a job for you?) Unless it was actually urgent the chat with my mum comes first.
She sounds fine. Which if you're trying to just point out her worst features suggests she's probably quite nice and friendly. And trying to make an effort
And as PP have said
You serve guests first. Even if I'm helping at my mums I serve my mum first. She's my mum..
Sounds like your poor relationship with your mum is clouding your judgement of a reasonably healthy relationship.

Picking a bit of food off a plate instead of scraping it in the bin- not ideal but no deal breaker. Licking someone else's plate is gross.

Plate and swapping rooms you have a point. If there’s a spare room she could have had that.

The rest yabu massively so

Eh? Interrupting a conversation is really quite rude.

@Treesandsheepeverywhere you haven't answered anyone's questions on the details of the leftover finishing, even though this is the bit lots of people asked for clarifications on, and also the bit that most people agreed with you about. Is it possible that this is a bit exaggerated the way you described it?

Your dh sounds polite. You sound controlling. I cant imagine ever asking my mum to take a particular seat so she was less able to chat!! Even if it was supposed to be for view of garden. That is so rude.

Serving guest first and speaking to them also normal. What "task" did you need completed? Somethint burning needs urgent attention, most other tasks can be when dh gets a minute, speaking to any visitors especially his mum is fine.

I'm just saying that if you think about it factually, the objection presumably to the left overs is the potential presence of a bit of saliva, and they have previously shared much more by way of bodily fluids, so yes it does sounds gross and I wouldn't do it but you can see why he wouldn't think much of it? I mean he grew inside her. I don't think any actual plate licking occurred, the original story was just taking some left over bits. Some people don't think eating family left overs is gross, my brother in law will happily nick off any of our plates!