DH eating DMIL's leftovers.

[Treesandsheepeverywhere]

DMIL is coming to stay over Christmas and I suddenly thought back to the last time she was here and the things DH does around her.

After a meal, if he's collecting plates, he'll scrap off last bits from DMIL and eat them.
We're talking last two peas & gravy, pie crumbs or three slices of coleslaw cabbage. He'll also use her fork to eat it.

It's not finishing a proper bit of food which I'd understand, more food in the kitchen if he was starving.

Another thing is he puts her wants first, serves her first when dishing up, ask her if she'd like abc a certain way even though he knows she'll ooh and ah for ages, yet if he'd brought it whichever way, she'd have still eaten it.
Will have a full on conversation whilst I wait for him to do something, when he eventually does it, he will say DMIL was talking and he didn't want to interrupt.

I said, if a postman was at the door, he would have stopped her to answer the door, so why not do the same for me, as it would have taken him 2 minutes before he could go back to chatting.
She was using our room and I'd asked him to collect some of my bits I'd forgotten to take out. Went in, shut the door and took 20 minutes or so before he came back.

I wouldn't lick my DM's or anyone's plate, except maybe DH's, so maybe it's a personal thing.

When I cook, I always serve him first, shouldn't he do the same?
Sounds petty as I type but just
makes me feel he still has the apron strings attached somewhat.

DMIL is controlling at the best of times and DH finds her a challenge. I want to therefore be supportive instead of letting above situations fester.

YABU - licking plates, putting her first etc is fine.
YANBU - Disgusting and should put me first.

Plate scrap eating is weird. Everything else is just manners and I hazard a guess you don’t like her. Being annoyed you have to walk over to talk when in the kitchen is just petty.

You chose her seat, seriously, thats not normal, you need to,perhaps unclench.

Because she interrupts when you're cooking, doesn't come closer so you have to go back and forth. Asks the most mundane questions when she could wait.

The sitting was strategic so whoever was cooking could cook in peace.

Yes, I do fond that annoying.

Wanting to tell someone where to sit - and you say she is the controlling one!

Grow up, OP. You’re not locked in combat with your MIL for possession of your DH, like feuding powers over a contested territory.

Also, do you micro-manage everything in your life this much? I can’t imagine deciding which chair a guest will have designated for his or her use, and then getting cross when they sit somewhere else.

If someone tried to sit me ‘strategically’ so that I didn’t irritate them, I’d assume I wasn’t really wanted as a guest and not visit again.

Always serve guests and elders first. My Husband would think I'd gone mad if I didn't offer to serve others first.

The rest is OK, he wants his mum to be comfortable in his home. She probably did a lot for him growing up and he wants to show his appreciation.

I wouldn’t give her my own room. It just makes it that much harder to cope with guests in your space if you don’t even have your own bedroom.

Just don’t respond if you can’t hear her or ask her to pull up a chair in the kitchen.

I think serving her first is right - respect for your elders and all that. Also she is a guest and if she is only there for a few days maybe just making the most of his time with her.

The leftovers thing though is a bit yuk.

It's honestly weird that you think it's ok to lick your DH leftovers but it's not ok for him to do the same with his mum.

Oh don’t give her your bedroom in future!!! She is one person and won’t be as cramped. Tidy it for her and keep your room.

Is he picking a few bits off her plate or licking her plate?!

He is right to serve her first and wait for her to speak before interrupting. Do you want him to serve you first when she is there?

My husband once went to etiquette classes (bizarre, I know!) and he’d be horrified if anyone tried to serve him before guests/elders 😁

I think YABU but also know that having any guest in my house for longer than 3 days tips me into losing the plot territory.

You're comparing a baby being breast fed to a grown married man licking his mums plate.. erm NO!

Excluding plate licking, you are being petty

Hang on. Your chosen seat was out of the way of the kitchen, where all the activity is at Christmas? You expected her to sit in the living room looking out at the garden while you ignored her and got on with the cooking? That's so fucking rude.

Eating from her plate, disgusting. Serving her first, fine.

Can you answer the questions about the plate licking please OP?

Why did it change from finishing her food and using her fork, to suddenly licking her plate when it got to the voting?

Does he actually lick her plate or not?

Another example is we'd agreed where she'd sit in the livingroom, which opens onto the kitchen. Her seat was so she had a lovely view of the garden* with the kitchen kinda out of sight.* DH her at the seat facing the kitchen, which meant she'd talk across the room when someone is in there cooking. As it's not close enough, you'd have to stop doing whatever, come closer, then back and forth. I'd have shown her to her seat and explained it's so she gets a lovely view of the garden. DH didn't and said that's where she chose so he let her.

This is insane, OP. Like, off-the-charts level controlling. WTF?!

I think you’ve hit the nail on the head.

OP you are the controlling one here.

You want your DH to be serving you first and to put you above his own mum.

She should absolutely be coming first.
Not only is she his mum, she is also the guest.

That’s just basic manners and he loves his mum and wants to spend as much time with her whilst she’s there.

It's interesting how the OP describes her MIL and her own mother as 'controlling', yet this poor woman isn't allowed to choose her own chair.

Eating her leftovers in the manner you describe is gross but I suppose it does save on scraping into the food waste bin.

The rest of it is you being petty, bitter and jealous.

That's just called having guests and making conversation!