DH eating DMIL's leftovers.

[Treesandsheepeverywhere]

DMIL is coming to stay over Christmas and I suddenly thought back to the last time she was here and the things DH does around her.

After a meal, if he's collecting plates, he'll scrap off last bits from DMIL and eat them.
We're talking last two peas & gravy, pie crumbs or three slices of coleslaw cabbage. He'll also use her fork to eat it.

It's not finishing a proper bit of food which I'd understand, more food in the kitchen if he was starving.

Another thing is he puts her wants first, serves her first when dishing up, ask her if she'd like abc a certain way even though he knows she'll ooh and ah for ages, yet if he'd brought it whichever way, she'd have still eaten it.
Will have a full on conversation whilst I wait for him to do something, when he eventually does it, he will say DMIL was talking and he didn't want to interrupt.

I said, if a postman was at the door, he would have stopped her to answer the door, so why not do the same for me, as it would have taken him 2 minutes before he could go back to chatting.
She was using our room and I'd asked him to collect some of my bits I'd forgotten to take out. Went in, shut the door and took 20 minutes or so before he came back.

I wouldn't lick my DM's or anyone's plate, except maybe DH's, so maybe it's a personal thing.

When I cook, I always serve him first, shouldn't he do the same?
Sounds petty as I type but just
makes me feel he still has the apron strings attached somewhat.

DMIL is controlling at the best of times and DH finds her a challenge. I want to therefore be supportive instead of letting above situations fester.

YABU - licking plates, putting her first etc is fine.
YANBU - Disgusting and should put me first.

Interesting that you haven't clarified re. plate licking.

And as for dictating where someone sits - that's just bonkers behaviour. Unless another guest needs a certain seat for a certain reason, let people choose! You can't demand she sits in a certain place because you'd prefer it that way

It is very clear you don’t like her! It sounds like you want your DH to serve you before her and interrupt her to talk to you, to put her in her place!

This is beyond bizarre. You think your DH is out of order for allowing an adult to sit where they want to sit rather than where you have decided they should sit. You want her to sit somewhere where she can't see or interact with you and just gets to gaze out over the garden. She chose to sit somewhere where she can interract with the people she came to visit.

This is you being a problem. A really weird controlling problem.

She is controlling ( as my oen DM is)

You're literally dictating where someone gets to sit and calling other people controlling?

You sound ridiculously controlling. Why are you asking him to “do jobs for you” when he’s in the middle of a conversation? Why do you care who’s served first at dinner? Why does someone have to sit in your special designated seat, complete with explanation of why you have chosen that seat (and therefore why they must not move from said position)?

I said, if a postman was at the door, he would have stopped her to answer the door, so why not do the same for me, as it would have taken him 2 minutes before he could go back to chatting.

This is a completely disingenuous comparison. If the postman is knocking the door, it means you either have to answer or risk missing your delivery - something quite important at a time of year such as, ooh, let me think… Christmas? You and your “job for him” would both have still been there at the end of the conversation. So it would have taken him two minutes - surely it could have waited two minutes too? I’m guessing you weren’t on fire and needing him to fetch a bucket of water.

It all smacks of “What about meeee? I’m here too, pay ME attention, me me ME!!!!”

This

And his strange behaviour would make me puke - even him not breaking a conversation with his DM to address another matter would get on my wick.

That's not Mothers Love it's SMOTHER LOVE!

Disgusting, I mean eating off other people's plates, no matter, mum or what. Disgusting. As for serving her first? My dh always serves my mum first, then me, then dc. Special bond between them? Nothing you can do about it, I am afraid. Difficult one. Would be interested to see what others say.

I'd have shown her to her seat and explained it's so she gets a lovely view of the garden. DH didn't and said that's where she chose so he let her.

And you say your MIL is controlling. Get a grip, OP!

The eating the food off her plate is fucking weird as anything 🤢

I've afraid you do sound extremely petty, as well as rude and controlling: of course guests are served first, and no, you don't get to tell them where they're allowed to sit!

The eating her leftovers as you have described turns my stomach.

Serving your guests first and checking their preferences is perfectly normal. As, generally, is not interrupting them.

Plate clearing is beyond grim.

“When I cook, I always serve him first, shouldn't he do the same?“

No. correct etiquette is serve female guests first, then male guests, then female house members then male house members, and always serve yourself last.

The plate licking is weird, but most of the rest of it sounds like he’s trying to ge welcoming.

DH needs to sit with her to chat while you’re cooking.

If you have a guest room with a proper bed, make the guest room nicer rather than moving out of yours- that’ll take away one source of conflict .

There you have it! I am assuming you do not like your MIL.

And wanting to dictate where your MiL sits is controlling and weird.

And his strange behaviour would make me puke - even him not breaking a conversation with his DM to address another matter would get on my wick.

Why would you cut someone off mid-conversation to go off to do something else? It’s rude.

Thinking about the amount of MNetters who say they find it hard to lose weight, because they feed their kids an earlier dinner and tend to eat the scraps off their plates.

I don't remember any cries of 'disgusting' etc, yet kids tend to be more germ and snot ridden than your average MIL 🤭

It's because it's a MIL, of course!

If it was the DH criticising OP for eating off her mum's plate, everyone would be saying he needs to mind his own business, or clear the plates himself if he's so bothered

Eating scraps of her plate is revolting.

Serving a guest first or listening to them is being polite.

Yes, it does sound petty.

You seem to have etiquette completely backwards and put yourself front and centre.

Whatever you feel about your MIL, when she’s at your home, she’s a guest. You serve guests first. It’s basic manners op 🙄

Not only that, she’s his mother. The woman who birthed and raised him, however much of a “challenge” you claim he finds her, she’s still his mum, she’s still a guest, and he clearly loves her.

I honestly think you are just annoyed by having a houseguest for so long so you're nitpicking. I love my mum but after about 4 days her little habits annoy me too. Also it's almost christmas so a lot of people are stressed
Maybe just have a little less contact on your side and your husband can maybe visit her more at home.

The whole designated seat thing is really weird op.

I agree with a pp, you went from him using her fork and finishing her scraps, to him licking her plate!!! Which one is it?

Regardless, you sound incredibly petty and hard work. I think you'd drive me crazy!

The plate thing is gross.

The other bits are quite sweet. Nice to really look after and treat a guest.

Op are you jealous of her??