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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH eating DMIL's leftovers.

142 replies

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 22/12/2024 08:51

DMIL is coming to stay over Christmas and I suddenly thought back to the last time she was here and the things DH does around her.

After a meal, if he's collecting plates, he'll scrap off last bits from DMIL and eat them.
We're talking last two peas & gravy, pie crumbs or three slices of coleslaw cabbage. He'll also use her fork to eat it.

It's not finishing a proper bit of food which I'd understand, more food in the kitchen if he was starving.

Another thing is he puts her wants first, serves her first when dishing up, ask her if she'd like abc a certain way even though he knows she'll ooh and ah for ages, yet if he'd brought it whichever way, she'd have still eaten it.
Will have a full on conversation whilst I wait for him to do something, when he eventually does it, he will say DMIL was talking and he didn't want to interrupt.

I said, if a postman was at the door, he would have stopped her to answer the door, so why not do the same for me, as it would have taken him 2 minutes before he could go back to chatting.
She was using our room and I'd asked him to collect some of my bits I'd forgotten to take out. Went in, shut the door and took 20 minutes or so before he came back.

I wouldn't lick my DM's or anyone's plate, except maybe DH's, so maybe it's a personal thing.

When I cook, I always serve him first, shouldn't he do the same?
Sounds petty as I type but just
makes me feel he still has the apron strings attached somewhat.

DMIL is controlling at the best of times and DH finds her a challenge. I want to therefore be supportive instead of letting above situations fester.

YABU - licking plates, putting her first etc is fine.
YANBU - Disgusting and should put me first.

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 22/12/2024 09:37

Guests get served first. Taking last peas and using her fork would make me physically heave-have you asked him to stop doing that? Going into her room and closing the door is a bit odd, but my Dh would never have done that so I don’t know if I’m being weird there. Conversations would all be downstairs as a family. Shutting the door to talk strikes me as a bit odd.

ClairDeLaLune · 22/12/2024 09:37

If she’s a guest it’s polite to serve her first. Don’t really see the leftovers thing as much of an issue, maybe he doesn’t like food waste and isn’t bothered about germs (pretty much like me tbh)

olympicsrock · 22/12/2024 09:39

Utterly grim. Speaks volumes about the whole relationship…

orangeblosssom · 22/12/2024 09:49

YABU

Livinginadream · 22/12/2024 09:51

The plate clearing is a bit yucky but the rest of it just sounds like you're jealous

arcticpandas · 22/12/2024 09:57

I always serve guests first, it's good manners so yes he's right to serve Mil first. You seem a bit jealous of your Mil, do you think their relationship is incestuous?

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 22/12/2024 10:05

I was imagining like a whole sausage or taking her last roast potatoes which would be fine to me. Not scraping the dregs of her plate. 🤢

I would always serve guests first and wouldn’t ask DH to interrupt a conversation to do a job for me unless it was time pressured. He wouldn’t ask me to either.

Why is MIL in your room?

TwinklyAmberOrca · 22/12/2024 10:08

The plate thing is disgusting and would give me the ick but he is right to serve his mum first as its polite. She's a guest.

cantthinkofausername26 · 22/12/2024 10:13

JennyWren83 · 22/12/2024 08:59

The plate is yuck but the rest is respectful towards a guest, and it's his mother! You sound petty and jealous.

Hmm I agree, sounds like jealousy

burnoutbabe · 22/12/2024 10:13

Would u take the last potato off my parents plate with their fork? Yes i probably would. Or left over pudding?

Or my sister or nephew. I would probably use my own fork in public and we're all at the table.

Not lick any plates though!

katter · 22/12/2024 10:14

Guests being treated differently is just good manners.
The food thing is a little bit weird, but I have seen parents finishing their childs food so it isn't really that different.

BMW6 · 22/12/2024 10:15

Guests should always be served first. You serving your DH first is odd and rude!

The eating of scraps is weird and gross.

No-one should interrupt anyone.

Original poster
Treesandsheepeverywhere · 22/12/2024 10:16

Thanks for the replies. Point taken 're serving guests first.

She was here for 6 days, and the chat was about some random friends of hers day to day lives, so nothing major.

Another example is we'd agreed where she'd sit in the livingroom, which opens onto the kitchen.
Her seat was so she had a lovely view of the garden with the kitchen kinda out of sight.

DH her at the seat facing the kitchen, which meant she'd talk across the room when someone is in there cooking.
As it's not close enough, you'd have to stop doing whatever, come closer, then back and forth.

I'd have shown her to her seat and explained it's so she gets a lovely view of the garden. DH didn't and said that's where she chose so he let her.

I know it does sound petty hence the thread as I go back & forth in my head.

I like her, she's similar to my own mum in her ways, difference is, I stand up to mine and don't pander to her like he does.

It's certainly not a LTB issue, makes me wonder if people just throw this out willy-nilly over anything, even if fixable.
No one is perfect.

She is controlling ( as my oen DM is) and they don't have a great relationship.
He reverts back to being a child in some ways and I suppose I'd like him to be more assertive.

OP posts:
SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 22/12/2024 10:17

I always serve guests first and try not to interrupt them when they’re talking. But perhaps more is going on that you dislike about dps relationship with his mum.

Original poster
Treesandsheepeverywhere · 22/12/2024 10:17

Also, he was doing a job for me first, but interrupted that to chat to her.
He could literally done the job in two minutes then got back to chat.

We gave her our room as it's bigger and more comfortable. Wanted to make it special. We went in the spare room as it'sa bit cramped.

OP posts:
GivingYourHeadAWobble · 22/12/2024 10:18

After a meal, if he's collecting plates, he'll scrap off last bits from DMIL and eat them.
We're talking last two peas & gravy, pie crumbs or three slices of coleslaw cabbage. He'll also use her fork to eat it.

How did this suddenly change to 'licking' her plate?

Does he actually lick her plate or not?

You're right, the rest does sound a bit petty. Did you change to 'licking' just to try and get MNetters to agree with you?

Redwinedaze · 22/12/2024 10:18

I always thoughts serving guests first was a polite rule?

Eating off the plate is odd though.

Although you sound as though you don’t like her or their relationship.

FiveTreeHill · 22/12/2024 10:18

The plate things a bit gross but also she is his mum, I can't get worked up about someone eating their mums leftover food

The rest is just basic manners. I would serve DM or DMIL first and I wouldn't interrupt a guest if they were talking

Redwinedaze · 22/12/2024 10:19

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 22/12/2024 10:17

Also, he was doing a job for me first, but interrupted that to chat to her.
He could literally done the job in two minutes then got back to chat.

We gave her our room as it's bigger and more comfortable. Wanted to make it special. We went in the spare room as it'sa bit cramped.

Edited

Honestly you sound really petty.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 22/12/2024 10:19

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 22/12/2024 10:16

Thanks for the replies. Point taken 're serving guests first.

She was here for 6 days, and the chat was about some random friends of hers day to day lives, so nothing major.

Another example is we'd agreed where she'd sit in the livingroom, which opens onto the kitchen.
Her seat was so she had a lovely view of the garden with the kitchen kinda out of sight.

DH her at the seat facing the kitchen, which meant she'd talk across the room when someone is in there cooking.
As it's not close enough, you'd have to stop doing whatever, come closer, then back and forth.

I'd have shown her to her seat and explained it's so she gets a lovely view of the garden. DH didn't and said that's where she chose so he let her.

I know it does sound petty hence the thread as I go back & forth in my head.

I like her, she's similar to my own mum in her ways, difference is, I stand up to mine and don't pander to her like he does.

It's certainly not a LTB issue, makes me wonder if people just throw this out willy-nilly over anything, even if fixable.
No one is perfect.

She is controlling ( as my oen DM is) and they don't have a great relationship.
He reverts back to being a child in some ways and I suppose I'd like him to be more assertive.

You had a discussion to choose where she’d sit?! Why? Just let the woman sit where she likes unless there is a medical reason why someone needs a specific seat. 🤨

BarbaraHoward · 22/12/2024 10:20

She sat in the wrong seat? Grin

Oh OP time to have a word with yourself. We've all been there when someone annoys you so much that every little thing they do pisses you off, but you need to get over it.

BlueSilverCats · 22/12/2024 10:20

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 22/12/2024 10:16

Thanks for the replies. Point taken 're serving guests first.

She was here for 6 days, and the chat was about some random friends of hers day to day lives, so nothing major.

Another example is we'd agreed where she'd sit in the livingroom, which opens onto the kitchen.
Her seat was so she had a lovely view of the garden with the kitchen kinda out of sight.

DH her at the seat facing the kitchen, which meant she'd talk across the room when someone is in there cooking.
As it's not close enough, you'd have to stop doing whatever, come closer, then back and forth.

I'd have shown her to her seat and explained it's so she gets a lovely view of the garden. DH didn't and said that's where she chose so he let her.

I know it does sound petty hence the thread as I go back & forth in my head.

I like her, she's similar to my own mum in her ways, difference is, I stand up to mine and don't pander to her like he does.

It's certainly not a LTB issue, makes me wonder if people just throw this out willy-nilly over anything, even if fixable.
No one is perfect.

She is controlling ( as my oen DM is) and they don't have a great relationship.
He reverts back to being a child in some ways and I suppose I'd like him to be more assertive.

Say what now?

You decided where she should sit? And he let her sit where she wanted? And you see that as an issue?

The dumbass married his (controlling)mum. Poor fucker.

GivingYourHeadAWobble · 22/12/2024 10:21

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 22/12/2024 10:19

You had a discussion to choose where she’d sit?! Why? Just let the woman sit where she likes unless there is a medical reason why someone needs a specific seat. 🤨

Show quote history

I know, there'd be less conversation over where to place a dog's bed.

magicalmrmistoffelees · 22/12/2024 10:22

Eating leftovers is a bit rank.
Guests should be served first.
It’s rude to interrupt a conversations.
I would never dictate where someone should sit.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 22/12/2024 10:23

GivingYourHeadAWobble · 22/12/2024 10:21

I know, there'd be less conversation over where to place a dog's bed.

Show quote history

Quite! People just come into my house and plonk themselves down! My DM likes our wingback chair as she struggles to stand up again from the sofa. No discussion necessary about having a lovely view of the garden.