Christmas away from your 1 year old

[Wewishyouamerrychristmasanda]

I don’t get on with my in laws and after spending awkward Christmas and Boxing Day with them every year for many years I have decided that I am not doing this year.
Our DC was born a year ago and two weeks after c-section we were there for Christmas having the most awkward time with DH’s sister and mother acting like a nightmare.
Not doing it again!
DH agreed to spend Christmas Day just the three of us here this year but says he wants to take our DC to his parents (10mins away from us) on Boxing Day. I was absolutely fine with it thinking they would be back with me in the early evening. before DC’s bedtime. Yesterday he tells me he wants to take our 1 year old to his parents from 10am to 10pm leaving me alone all day (I’ve no family here) and also disregarding our child’s bedtime being 6pm (plus we have never once managed to get our DC to nap at the in-laws house so I am guessing he will be up all day). DH sees his parents every week and they see their grandchild as often as they want but DH is saying he can’t just have a few hours with them as it’s not fair. So he is going there for 12h.
I am happy for them to go but not for 12h because of what it will mean for our baby and I don’t think it’s fair to leave me alone all day. AIBU?

Go and collect the baby early afternoon

Absolutely not. What the hell is he thinking?! You as mum, get final say in this and you need to set out exactly what you are comfortable with. Do not be swayed by anyone else. A couple of hours would be more than enough.

Why does the mum get the final say?

Sure good to compromise but I don't get the idea a mum owns a child

I guess that he would ideally like to spend Christmas Day with his parents, so he's sort of punishing you for refusing? If so he's being a bit petty, but I also think you're being a little unreasonable for putting your foot down. I think it should be a joint decision between you how to spend Christmas Day, not just you unilaterally deciding that you don't want to see his parents. Keep talking to him and maybe you can find a compromise?

He won’t be there for 12 hours. The child will be grizzly and wanting mum by 5. He will be home by 6.
Dont stress op, just enjoy a day of quiet. And you must absolutely not do any housework!!

Errrmmmmmm? What?!

He's the father. The equal parent. He gets equal say.

OP let him go. But he also does the bedtime stuff when he gets home and gets up with them in the night if they are overtired and don't settle. He gets to make choices for his children - but he also gets to be the parent dealing with the consequences of those choices.

Hard to know. Are they just annoying or actively unpleasant to you?

If they are just annoying I think you should suck it up and go with them on Boxing Day. Then you can leave with LO when you want.

If unpleasant I think you need to say twelve hours is too long but it sounds like you've not really come to a compromise you're both happy with. This is hardly the last time this will be an issue!

I get that it’s not ideal tha I don’t want to see them this year but honestly I have put up with some pretty draining stuff every year with them for two days over Christmas until this year. I need a break. His mother has been so overbearing since DC was born and even after several conversations with us about this, she cannot stop ‘correcting’ my every move. DH understands why I want a break but obviously also loves his parents (plus really struggles to say no to them)

I don't agree. Op already supports in laws seeing baby often and they sound demanding and difficult. Why should she have baby away from her for an unnecessarily long period of time on boxing day when it doesn't need to be? A couple of hours is more than enough for local relatives, imo.

Why does the mum get the final say? 😂

@Wewishyouamerrychristmasanda In the long run he needs to have a word with them and set some boundaries then. Otherwise you'll have this issue every year.

I do understand that so close to Christmas is not the time to have the row though. I think he'll be back early anyway when LO gets tired and grumpy.

No, no, no. Baby is home in time for a bath and cuddle before bed.

I would simply say to them you’ve already made plans for part of the day but will swing by in afternoon for an hour and take baby home with you afterwards to keep usual routines in place. Make sure your husband is aware this is the plan though so he doesn’t kick up a fuss. Sounds like the perfect compromise to me - you can’t cope the full day, he’s annoyed you’re not going at all. Meet in the middle.

If the OP doesn’t enjoy spending Christmas with her in-laws, it’s reasonable that she would want to begin and maintain her own Christmas traditions. It’s not unreasonable for the OP’s husband to take his DC to the in-laws - but are relations really so bad that the OP couldn’t go with them on Boxing Day, and then come home at a reasonable time with her DC? Failing that, and particularly as they only live ten minutes away, it would not be unreasonable for the DH to bring their child home at bedtime and then go back for the evening, if that is what has been agreed.

They're 10 minutes away, he could go for the morning with DD then drop her back and go back for some child free time. Has he ever cared for her for that long on his own before? If she's crawling or walking it's a lot of effort and very distracting keeping an eye on a toddler by yourself for 12 house in a strange environment, especially if the house isn't baby proofed.

Yanbu and routine is important. Although I’d be tempted to agree and let him deal with an overtired baby when he gets back ( which I doubt will be any later than 4-5pm)

I’d just say no to the whole thing. Doesn’t sound like your husband will respect your boundaries or stand up to the in-laws and it will end up in a row.

The mother is usually the primary care giver in any family dynamic. The child is only one year old.

I think you’ve posted on the wrong thread. I am not the lady whose husband is cheating on her.

Assume he's not breastfed as my DC at 1 wouldn't have been able to do that, they were refusing solids at the time.

I would say yes, but on the condition he deals with grizzly DC on the day after boxing day too.

Don't let him make you pack the baby bag or come back with a grizzly DC at 9pm and hand over for you to sort it either!

Take the day and relax.

I absolutely get that you don’t want to spend Christmas Day with them but maybe a bit odd/rude to not see them at all over Christmas. Could you consider having most the day to yourself, then go and join them late afternoon for a couple of hours and then take baby home at whatever time you feel like?

I also have overbearing in-laws, so I do get it but unless they’ve actually done something bad (other than just really annoying), I do think sometimes you have to give a little when you don’t want to. Your child probably really loves these people even if you don’t.