Christmas away from your 1 year old

[Wewishyouamerrychristmasanda]

I don’t get on with my in laws and after spending awkward Christmas and Boxing Day with them every year for many years I have decided that I am not doing this year.
Our DC was born a year ago and two weeks after c-section we were there for Christmas having the most awkward time with DH’s sister and mother acting like a nightmare.
Not doing it again!
DH agreed to spend Christmas Day just the three of us here this year but says he wants to take our DC to his parents (10mins away from us) on Boxing Day. I was absolutely fine with it thinking they would be back with me in the early evening. before DC’s bedtime. Yesterday he tells me he wants to take our 1 year old to his parents from 10am to 10pm leaving me alone all day (I’ve no family here) and also disregarding our child’s bedtime being 6pm (plus we have never once managed to get our DC to nap at the in-laws house so I am guessing he will be up all day). DH sees his parents every week and they see their grandchild as often as they want but DH is saying he can’t just have a few hours with them as it’s not fair. So he is going there for 12h.
I am happy for them to go but not for 12h because of what it will mean for our baby and I don’t think it’s fair to leave me alone all day. AIBU?

So these in-laws are overbearing, and critique your parenting to your DH? Perhaps this is coming from them, this idea of a 12 hour day with them?

They probably want to maintain control over their little boy/your family, and are guilting him into spending all day with them as a form of punishment to you for standing up to their overbearing ways.

Who would want to spend time with people who critique their parenting? I don’t blame you. Your DH needs to put firm boundaries in place regarding this shit.

Of a one year old? Yes, still part of the mother baby dyad that the father is not part of. Its about not depriving the child of his or her mother. Not the fathers rights to suit himself and hang what the infants needs are.

They are 10 minutes away and see the baby often despite OP saying she doesn’t really go over to in-laws. So presumably DH frequently takes baby over to his parents house on his own. So not a strange environment and DH used to having baby on his own?

I would compromise here.

I'd enjoy a relaxing day to myself while he takes the baby to his parents. Get the house straight, eat the leftovers, watch some films, have a nice bath, maybe a nap. Then I'd pop over and fetch the baby home for bath time "so you can relax with your family for the evening DH". Job done.

Wow! Some of these responses are pure evil!

'I'd book Christmas away next year or this will start being a tradition'

'You could collect him and let your husband stay on. If you could tell your husband to come home and force him to put an overtired child to bed.'

I am a single mum, I have many gripes with men! But a man wanting to take his child to see his family is not something I'd be pissed off about. Your child has a right to know all of its family! People crying into their pillows about routine... you really need to get a grip. If this woman is so upset, she can pick up the baby and go home!

You definitely have a DH problem
He’s not meeting his babies needs in order to appease his mummy

The 12 hour thing is to punish you, whether it’s his idea or his mother’s. Don’t dismiss the posters saying this is a sign of a bad marriage, you may not be at LTB stage but this is not him treating you well.

I would say: “bring baby back at 4. Or you get 24 hours as I’m not dealing with a grizzly baby overnight.” But don’t argue, that’s the aim of this whole plan, just calmly stick to it.

You'll have more influence on how the day goes if you are also there @Wewishyouamerrychristmasanda

I'd go in the afternoon for an hour or so & bring DC back with me so the bedtime routine is maintained, if that's what you want.

Youve theee options really:

1. say no to all day. Baby comes home for his usual bedtime.
2. say nothing; enjoy the day but dh does all parenting when he gets home. You will be asleep by then.
3. say no. He goes but absolutely no way baby is spending all day without you.

@Wewishyouamerrychristmasanda

This is about your boundaries, put your foot down, I agree 10 or 11 until 4 is plenty.

Assert yourself it's hard in the beginning but worth it.

You need to nip this in the bud.
His parents are 'winning' here.
Don't send your baby away for such a long time.
Your husband doesn't sound like he's considering you at all, and the baby not much.
He is considering his parents wishes above all else

How are his parents "winning"? Presumably they would prefer to see their son and his family on Christmas Day but OP isn't allowing that.

10 hours is ridiculous. It sounds as though your DH just wants to punish you for not spending Christmas Day with his parents and not coming to their house on Boxing Day.

It isn't fair on your baby to be away from you for so long and to be out of its routine. Tell him that he needs to be home by the time you usually do the bath/bedtime routine for your baby.

I’d bloody love 12 hours of no kids after the madness of Christmas Day. Sounds like heaven.

One day out of routine isn’t going to do any harm and if DC is tired/fussy DH can always bring him home. I can’t really see an issue.

Honestly I wouldn’t put my daughter in that environment without me. Compromise- go all of you for lunch til DDs bedtime

Agree with you OP, your baby should be with you on Christmas Day. Wether you go with DH and baby or whether DH accepts a quieter day at home. This is a DH issue - he is prioritising his family over you. That is what would worry me.

That what you took from the batshit Idea if keeping a one year old up for 12 hours away from their primary carer?

I would agree to a few hours but no way would I be agreeing to this ridiculous suggestion.

She isn't asking him to give up his family. She is asking him to bring the baby home at a reasonable time for bathtime and bedtime.

OP's in-laws are over-involved nightmares but they still see the baby every week so nothing like your dad's brother's wife.

It is unreasonable for OP's DH to tell her that he and the baby need to stay at his parents for 12 hours. His parents don't want the baby to go down for a nap so by the time they get home the baby will be distraught. It is terrible parenting by OP's DH and terrible grandparenting as none of them have the best interests of the baby at heart. It is all about the wants and needs of the adults and not the baby.

I don’t understand this either - it’s nuts.

If you don't want to be alone, want your baby home earlier and want to remain in control of the situation, especially with naps, I think the best solution is you go along to Boxing day with the in laws. You can then leave at an appropriate time.

@thepariscrimefiles whatever the problems with the parents (if they are dicks, then the OP is justified to not want to go) BUT if it's just for one day the one year old misses a nap or goes to bed late I think the baby will survive. She's already said DH is a hands on dad! Which makes me think, if he sees the baby is distressed he'll tweak the plans!

Why on earth is he stipulating the time he'll be there must be 10am-10pm?! Surely that's a decision for both of you to make together as to what time is best for baby to be home. You're not happy with it understandably so if he can't compromise with you and come home earlier then that's a cause for concern in my mind.

Same here.

I get that mum is usually primary caregiver in the early years. But I wonder if the mentality that mum reigns supreme feeds into a lot of the issues with in-laws I see so often here. Grandparents seem to be required not just to respect parents' wishes and ways of parenting, and be mindful of offering too many unsolicited opinions (entirely reasonable) but to defer to them, agree their way is right, never breathe a word if they don't agree with something, and not just respect the mum but worship her as a sacred vessel and accept that whatever she says goes and nobody else matters.

Don't get me wrong, I know there are difficult in laws (mine are no exception!) but I do think the modern culture here of nuclear families with only very peripheral extended families (different to the culture I was raised in) makes it harder to have harmonious family relationships and pathologises things that I grew up with as very normal in terms of how different generations interact.

This. Your child will be fine. Enjoy a peaceful day. Your partner and child will have had enough long before 10pm.

You have an in laws problem and a husband problem.

He’s not being fair to you or to his child.Tell him what you would prefer him to do calmly and without arguing. Then let him do whatever he decides to do and try not to let his decision spoil your day.

It’s high time the umbilical was cut, but unfortunately you can’t do the cutting!
Only he can.