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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family holiday - in laws offended they aren’t invited

118 replies

Startrekobsessed · 21/12/2024 21:12

Since we had our first child 8 years ago finances have been tight so we have never taken a ‘family’ holiday together just myself, my husband and our children.

Every year my in laws have paid for a trip for us all in the UK, with them of course. We’ve finally saved enough to go on our own UK break next year which we have just booked. The in laws are now asking if they can come and seem put out that they aren’t invited. I’m incredibly grateful for the trips they’ve taken us on (to be clear we pay for all groceries on the trips and a meal out, we don’t just sit back and take) but I can’t believe they would begrudge us a trip just our nuclear family.

it’s like the last 8 years have been a precedent and now its abnormal if we want and are able to do our own thing. I’m struggling to get on board with this mindset and know if my parents were still around they would just be happy for us.

AIBU I’m thinking it’s ok for us to go away ourselves and stand firm on not inviting them, my husband thinks maybe we should but I’d like some quality time with our children. I’d be grateful for your thoughts!

OP posts:
BilboBlaggin · 21/12/2024 21:15

YANBU OP. It's generous of the in-laws to have paid for you all to go with them previously, but that doesn't mean you're beholden to them to go forever more with them. Stay firm and make sure your DH doesn't give in.

Beebumble2 · 21/12/2024 21:15

I wouldn’t dream of invading my ACs family holidays, so I think you must stand your ground and enjoy your own family time.
I think that holidays are for getting away from people and enjoying quality time with those closest to you.

TiramisuTastesDreamy · 21/12/2024 21:17

YANBU, however in-laws seem to feel put out that you don’t want to share a holiday now you can afford to pay yourselves. Difficult situ - you should be able to go away as a nuclear family without feeling beholden to them… perhaps they genuinely enjoy spending holidays together with you and feel bewildered why they can’t come this time. Be firm but kind and stake your claim on your own holiday time.

Tink3rbell30 · 21/12/2024 21:19

You should have repayed the favour before swanning off yourselves now you can afford it. Even if it was just the one time.

Idontjetwashthefucker · 21/12/2024 21:21

Tink3rbell30 · 21/12/2024 21:19

You should have repayed the favour before swanning off yourselves now you can afford it. Even if it was just the one time.

I don't agree with this one bit. It was their choice to take OPs film on holiday, it shouldn't come with strings

Idontjetwashthefucker · 21/12/2024 21:21

*family not film

Tink3rbell30 · 21/12/2024 21:23

Idontjetwashthefucker · 21/12/2024 21:21

I don't agree with this one bit. It was their choice to take OPs film on holiday, it shouldn't come with strings

Show quote history

It's nice to repay it.

sonjadog · 21/12/2024 21:25

I guess they thought that you went with them for years because you enjoyed spending time with them, while you actually went because it was free. That’s going to hurt.

ItOnlyTakesTwoMinutes · 21/12/2024 21:25

Tink3rbell30 · 21/12/2024 21:23

It's nice to repay it.

Show quote history

They don’t owe them anything but I do understand why the in laws feel the way they do.

Londonrach1 · 21/12/2024 21:28

Been in similar situation and grateful to inlaws but it has alot of emotion stress and you can't relax. Yanbu.

Original poster
Startrekobsessed · 21/12/2024 21:29

sonjadog · 21/12/2024 21:25

I guess they thought that you went with them for years because you enjoyed spending time with them, while you actually went because it was free. That’s going to hurt.

Edited

We didn’t go with them ‘because it was free’ we went because they offered and it was/ is nice to all go away together and for them to spend time with the grandkids.

We are still going on a holiday with them next year, this is a separate holiday for just us that we haven’t invited them to.

OP posts:
sonjadog · 21/12/2024 21:32

Are they paying for the holiday you are going on with them next year?

Original poster
Startrekobsessed · 21/12/2024 21:32

Londonrach1 · 21/12/2024 21:28

Been in similar situation and grateful to inlaws but it has alot of emotion stress and you can't relax. Yanbu.

I do agree with this. I am looking forward to relaxing more in the evening, as much as I spend time with them I don’t feel I can just get in my pjs once the kids are in bed!

OP posts:
LizzoBennett · 21/12/2024 21:34

They sound suffocating. I would be happy for my DC in their shoes. A whole 8 years without a single holiday as a nuclear family.

Original poster
Startrekobsessed · 21/12/2024 21:34

sonjadog · 21/12/2024 21:32

Are they paying for the holiday you are going on with them next year?

Yes. If you’re going to suggest we pay for a holiday for them we definitely can’t afford that. They don’t want us to pay for them they have offered to pay their way to come on ‘our’ holiday, the reason they are put out is we’ve said we’d like to keep this trip as just us

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 21/12/2024 21:37

No, put your foot down, they've already set a precedent for 8 years and you've let them so now it's time to forge ahead with your own plan. Don't worry about them guilting you.

sonjadog · 21/12/2024 21:37

Can you really not see that after years of them paying for you to go on holiday, it might be hurtful for them that you aren’t inviting them on the only holiday you are paying for? I don’t mean you shouldn’t go on holiday ever without them, but I think you could show some understanding of their feelings.

Balancedcitizen101 · 21/12/2024 21:37

I would stand firm. In the UK at least we often don't talk about money to family so people don't always understand what the budget is or what sacrifices are made to go on a holiday. Maybe tell a white lie a out whyitsnot for them and go just you 3.

fishyrumour · 21/12/2024 21:39

I don't get in laws like that. I'd be delighted to be included in any AC's hols, even if I was paying. I certainly wouldn't expect to go on every family trip. How odd of them.

ThisCosyAquaHiker · 21/12/2024 21:46

sonjadog · 21/12/2024 21:25

I guess they thought that you went with them for years because you enjoyed spending time with them, while you actually went because it was free. That’s going to hurt.

Edited

That's really unfair. I enjoy extended-family holidays but wouldn't want every holiday to be one.

I can understand them feeling a little upset in the first instance but would expect they'd get over it after a little thought.

Olive567 · 21/12/2024 21:48

Of course you shouldn't feel guilty about enjoying a holiday for just your immediate family. It's needy of your ILs to expect all your limited family time away to be with them.
One way to sell it to them could be to suggest they have a short break away with just them and your DCs, if that is possible? This may reduce any hurt feelings somewhat?

Original poster
Startrekobsessed · 21/12/2024 21:50

sonjadog · 21/12/2024 21:37

Can you really not see that after years of them paying for you to go on holiday, it might be hurtful for them that you aren’t inviting them on the only holiday you are paying for? I don’t mean you shouldn’t go on holiday ever without them, but I think you could show some understanding of their feelings.

But if we end up now being able to afford one every year doesn’t this just defer the problem a year or we end up going on two holidays with them every year….

OP posts:
Roastitcheese · 21/12/2024 21:55

Idontjetwashthefucker · 21/12/2024 21:21

I don't agree with this one bit. It was their choice to take OPs film on holiday, it shouldn't come with strings

Show quote history

It doesn’t come with strings. They did it out of kindness and it would be nice to return the kindness, just once.
Of course it doesn’t have to be this time. It’s a bit late because if you do plan to treat them it should be done in good grace.So maybe next time.

GoldenLegend · 21/12/2024 21:57

I'm wondering if they ever go away without you? If not, it could be that they need your company to make a holiday interesting enough!

glittercunt · 21/12/2024 22:02

If it was me and my parents or inlaws I'd just say we are super grateful for the breaks away together, and to being treated, but that we've never had a little break together and wished to experience that. You'll send postcards and the kids will have something to tell them all about after.

Wording doesn't have to be the same, but it's definitely reasonable to wish to holiday as just your unit.