Family holiday - in laws offended they aren’t invited

[Startrekobsessed]

Since we had our first child 8 years ago finances have been tight so we have never taken a ‘family’ holiday together just myself, my husband and our children.

Every year my in laws have paid for a trip for us all in the UK, with them of course. We’ve finally saved enough to go on our own UK break next year which we have just booked. The in laws are now asking if they can come and seem put out that they aren’t invited. I’m incredibly grateful for the trips they’ve taken us on (to be clear we pay for all groceries on the trips and a meal out, we don’t just sit back and take) but I can’t believe they would begrudge us a trip just our nuclear family.

it’s like the last 8 years have been a precedent and now its abnormal if we want and are able to do our own thing. I’m struggling to get on board with this mindset and know if my parents were still around they would just be happy for us.

AIBU I’m thinking it’s ok for us to go away ourselves and stand firm on not inviting them, my husband thinks maybe we should but I’d like some quality time with our children. I’d be grateful for your thoughts!

It seems as though the only way that OP could have a holiday with her own nuclear family and not upset her PILs would be if she could also afford to book and pay for a family holiday which includes her PILs.

However, she doesn't have enough money to do this. OP and her DH have only been able to afford to book a family holiday this year for the first time.

OP and her family are also going on another holiday next year with her PILs and paid for by them.

So her choices are:

1. Let her PILs come on OP's nuclear family holiday and accept that she and her DH can't ever have a holiday with just themselves and their kids without offending her PILs.
2. Do what she is doing now, i.e. going on her holiday with her DH and kids and going on the holiday with her PILs and paid for by her PILs.
3. Go on her holiday with her DH and kids and refuse the offers of holidays with PILs.
4. OP wins the lottery and can pay for holidays for her nuclear family and can treat her PILs to holidays as well.

With option no. 1, she never gets to holiday with just her DH and kids, even though her PILs have holidays on their own and her SIL has holidays on her own.

With option no. 2, her in-laws are still offended and posters on here are calling her entitled, mean and a bit of a gold digger.

With option no 3, her PILs would never be able to holiday with their grandchildren again.

Option 4 is a bit of a long shot unfortunately.

In-laws are learning no good deed goes unpunished, for sure. Any reason why you didn't tell them of your excitement to be able to book your own holiday next year, prior to booking it?

You are entitled to your own holiday of course, but feelings have been hurt and you could have gone about this differently.

I appreciate we all bring our own baggage to these discussions. My parents and my in-laws have spent zero pence taking us on holiday. Ever.

No, but if you’ve an afford to, maybe pay for your share of the joint holiday next year?

OP/DH pays for all the groceries and meals out, they are paying their way. I think the inlaws are ridiculous, they've never had an issue inviting OP on these holidays, but now just because they want a holiday of their own, in laws have chucked their toys out. Can't understand them begrudging OP's family a holiday on their own, I'd not invite them but I also wouldn't go on the UK holidays with them again

Are you paying for yourselves for both trips?

I think another poster nailed it - it comes across like you were happy to holiday with them when it was free.

In your shoes i think it would have been sensible to do just the one trip this year, with them, paid yourself, and then gone only on your family trip next year.

Hard once a pattern is set. Its set in stone yearly. We dont bring parent away feel its our only rest in the year... God op thats awkward one

My mum pays for us all to go on a UK holiday every year because she enjoys spending time with the grandkids, and she wants to (and can afford to) pay for it. I would be happy to pay our bit but she doesn't want us to. I think she gets as much out of it as we do.

I think even if the grandparents are paying, they probably get as much out of the holiday as the OP's family, in the sense that they probably enjoy spending time with their child and grandkids. I think even if they are paying, the OP is "giving" them something by agreeing to spend a whole week of her and her family's holiday time with the in laws every year. Not everyone would.

People saying OP shouldn't accept the free holiday if they don't want to spend two holidays per year with the in laws - well surely that would just disadvantage everybody as I assume the in laws enjoy the joint holiday.

If they are a little upset then it is definitely a them problem.

It is totally reasonable for you to have a holiday with your DH and DCs together - your own little family unit and not with your Inlaws.

Get it booked OP and stand firm and don't invite them. Your DCs will be glad to have quality time with their parents and siblings (with no-one else there). You can start to build your own family holiday traditions which is so important.

Also I'm a MiL and absolutely encourage my DCs to holiday as much as they can mostly without me and DH! For me it's a priority as my best memories and moments are from family holidays since I was a child.

Each to their own I guess. It’s not something I’d ever contemplate doing under any circumstances.

Same here Tammy I want to suit myself on hols. My mam likes things her own way so no..

Actually the OP said A meal out… so yeah they get a free holiday…

This is why I never accept anything for free , there is no such thing as a free lunch.

I think you should go on your own holiday.
And then you should pay your proper share towards the shared holiday.

Regardless, it still doesn't mean OP can't go away without inviting the in laws

I said groceries and a meal out, the only meal out of the holiday in case that makes a difference! We only go away for 4 days so we pay for all food. They pay for the accommodation and we obviously pay for our own spends like days out ourselves.

A few of you have hit the nail on the head that the in laws do not want a contribution, they pay to spend the time with their grandchildren. We have offered before and they’ve literally said oh just get a meal or something. SIL doesn’t contribute anything at all but that’s between her and PIL nothing to do with us.

Thank you for all your comments, it’s very useful and I will stand firm on us needing our own nuclear family time. As a child we never went away with my GPs and nor did my husband so this is new territory for us

"Sorry in-laws but we've always wanted to just go on a little nuclear family holiday and have saved for ages to be able to do it this time. Maybe another time"

People are acting like the parents have done this purely as a favour to OP so she owes them. That's not true, they want to spend time with her, her husband and the children.

Your children are only young for a short time, so I say enjoy your holiday as a nuclear family and don't feel guilty about that. I would invite them to days out or beach trips sometimes. If they're offended and stop offering the joint holidays, that's their choice.

I think they'd be selfish to begrudge you going on holidays as a family.

Spot on!