Family holiday - in laws offended they aren’t invited

[Startrekobsessed]

Since we had our first child 8 years ago finances have been tight so we have never taken a ‘family’ holiday together just myself, my husband and our children.

Every year my in laws have paid for a trip for us all in the UK, with them of course. We’ve finally saved enough to go on our own UK break next year which we have just booked. The in laws are now asking if they can come and seem put out that they aren’t invited. I’m incredibly grateful for the trips they’ve taken us on (to be clear we pay for all groceries on the trips and a meal out, we don’t just sit back and take) but I can’t believe they would begrudge us a trip just our nuclear family.

it’s like the last 8 years have been a precedent and now its abnormal if we want and are able to do our own thing. I’m struggling to get on board with this mindset and know if my parents were still around they would just be happy for us.

AIBU I’m thinking it’s ok for us to go away ourselves and stand firm on not inviting them, my husband thinks maybe we should but I’d like some quality time with our children. I’d be grateful for your thoughts!

Oh in that case YANBU. I thought you’d booked your holiday INSTEAD- but you’re doing this in addition to the family holiday?

In which case they are being ridiculous. You of course should be allowed to go on holiday when you like.

Are you sure they are definitely put out? Seems SO unreasonable. If they are - ignore them.

This.But I do understand your position of just wanting immediate family too OP. Could you maybe pay for a weekend away for you all and then have the holiday that you want as well.

I said why in the response. It’s about the taking not necessarily the holiday itself. There’s no suggestion that SIL has had her holidays paid for. The OP and DH have been going on holidays with them because it was paid for and as soon as they can afford to have their own holiday they don’t want to go on holiday with them. It’s really not difficult to comprehend the other POV.

I changed my vote......
I do understand you would want to go alone- but I don't think you should expect to keep going on trips that they pay for after this, or be surprised when they stop offering. I think paying your own way on the shared trips should have come first, if I was them I'd be feeling pretty used.
It's an awkward situation, but could have been handled better. change the dynamic by paying you'd own way and having input on the choosing and booking. Book something very different so its not like you are doing the same holiday but excluding them.

No doubt for the last 8 years they have enjoyed the planning of it all with you, as well as the time spent with you all and they no doubt look forward to that each year. After 8 years it’s become a pattern which has suddenly been disrupted- with no warning maybe?

OP, did you spring this news on them or did you keep them up to date about your excitement at maybe being able to do it on your own financially, this year without their help.

I feel that if they are kept in the loop about your thinking and planning from the beginning and you have that open understanding between you, it saves this sort of heartache for them of feeling suddenly no longer needed and cast aside.
eg something like …..one day we hope we can afford a little holiday to experience just the four of us going ..not that we don’t love you and value your help of course, you’ve been so generous, but just to feel we can at last be financially independent would be so nice’

Personally, I’d be so happy if my family reached that milestone themselves if I’d known that was what they were working towards. It’s all a matter of communication really I think

YANBU in planning and wanting your own nuclear family holiday of course, but the consideration you give to your in-laws after 8 years of accepting their help is very important.

Hang on, I wonder if people have missed that OP's family ARE going on holiday with the in laws next year - they are just going on an additional holiday on their own as well.

It's lovely of them to take you on hols - however surely one holiday with the grandparents per year is plenty!

I think YANBU.

Nuclear families need time alone. Holidays alone. Without in laws.

Very nice of the in laws to take them away. But I don't see why this family should have holiday with them every time. No way.

I wonder if the in laws went on holiday with their own pils?

My ex in laws were so needy and always wanted to come on holiday with us. But they would never ever go on holiday with their own pil. In fact they struggled to invite them to family occasions and would often lie about the occasion to exclude their pil.

Don't think people have missed it. OP is still accepting her free holiday from the in-laws.

Now that you and your husband can afford your pay for your own holidays , stop accepting free holidays .

OP is going on holiday with the in-laws as well as going away without them. Does SiL go on holiday without them? YANBU, you should be able to go on holiday without your in-laws- having their grandchild does not entitle them to always go away with you.

A salutary lesson in why you should never go on holiday with extended family. I have no idea why people even contemplate it.

If the OP's ILs are anything like mine (and I suspect they might be), then there is absolutely no way they would accept a paid holiday from us - they won't even accept a contribution to the ones they've booked. It's a big struggle to get them to accept a meal out or a shopping delivery. Their attitude is that the money they're spending is ultimately our inheritance anyway (their words not mine!), so it's stupid for us to buy holidays for them rather than them spend money that we'd otherwise be paying inheritance tax on one day. So even if we booked a holiday and invited them, they'd absolutely refuse for us to pay for them. Doesn't mean we need to accept the holidays they pay for, of course - we could just not go - but that's the thing they would find really hurtful.

As OP has said, what they really want is time with their grandchildren. Which is of course fine, and they've been able to spend lots of really lovely time with our kids over the years - but luckily they do also realise that we want to have own holidays as a family unit as well. The exact boundary hasn't always been easy to draw tbh - but you just have to try to do it sensitively. It sounds like the OP's ILs have taken it a step further and don't want to miss out on ANY of the GCs' holiday experiences. That's why I think the OP and her DH have to be sensitive but firm now.

@TammyBundleballs because even though my ILs can occasionally drive me a bit nuts, I can't overstate the amount of joy they've got out of spending time on holiday with my kids over the years (and vice versa). That grandparent/grandchild relationship has been really special, and still is, even now my kids are older teens.

YANBU.

If you don’t break the cycle you will be stuck on this in-law holiday arrangement for years to come. Stay firm in the stance that this is your nuclear family holiday.

Then the only remedy for OP is to never again accept the offer of going on a paid for holiday with her PILs. She can then go on holiday with her DH and her kids with a clear conscience. This will mean that her PILs will never get to go on holiday with their grandchildren again, but in your mind, that will be fair.

I would also assume that they also paid for SIL's holiday with them as why would her PILs pay for their son and family to go but not their daughter.

As I said in my first post no doubt the GPs will continue because they want to see their grandchildren.

I would hope the OP and DH contribute more to the joint holiday in future. Take out the sting a bit

So now you can afford a holiday, you're still accepting a free holiday from them? Pay your own way.

It's just manners really.

It’s also manners not to give in order to receive, gifts should need to be repaid or they’re not truly a gift but a loan.

it doesn’t feel about the money at all, it feels about our holidays are theirs

This is how I see it too OP, it’s about your family having your own holiday space which is a completely normal thing for a family to do.

To me if feel like they are the ones overstepping here, if you’re never asked them to pay for you and they’ve never expressed that then paying was some kind of loan that would need to be repaid I don’t think you’re in the wrong to want a holiday just for yourselves.

This.

That's the excuse people use when they're happy to take take take but don't want to give back. It's nice to give back.

No it’s understanding the concept of a gift not coming with strings attached.

Yes it’s nice to give back, but it shouldn’t be an expectation - you sound like the kind of person who would tally up what you think someone has spent on your gifts and hold it against them for not spending ‘enough’ of the arbitrary budget you’ve assigned in your head.

By the same measure you sound like someone who doesn't reciprocate gifts very well, which is infinitely worse. People do try to equate the value of gifts so they and the other person aren't embarrassed by there being an inbalance. Do you not understand social rules that well?

Nope, just aware of give and take and if someone does something nice for me or a favour then I repay it in some way. To not give back in any way is selfish.