Family holiday - in laws offended they aren’t invited

[Startrekobsessed]

Since we had our first child 8 years ago finances have been tight so we have never taken a ‘family’ holiday together just myself, my husband and our children.

Every year my in laws have paid for a trip for us all in the UK, with them of course. We’ve finally saved enough to go on our own UK break next year which we have just booked. The in laws are now asking if they can come and seem put out that they aren’t invited. I’m incredibly grateful for the trips they’ve taken us on (to be clear we pay for all groceries on the trips and a meal out, we don’t just sit back and take) but I can’t believe they would begrudge us a trip just our nuclear family.

it’s like the last 8 years have been a precedent and now its abnormal if we want and are able to do our own thing. I’m struggling to get on board with this mindset and know if my parents were still around they would just be happy for us.

AIBU I’m thinking it’s ok for us to go away ourselves and stand firm on not inviting them, my husband thinks maybe we should but I’d like some quality time with our children. I’d be grateful for your thoughts!

Why are you seeing this all on the OP, surely it’s her DH who needs to talk to his parents and explain that obviously they’re entitled to take holidays as a family.

While I don’t agree that they should assume it is a whole family (including them) thing, I can see how some people might, maybe they thought ye were all having a great time and it was a (yikes!) tradition thing. They might be hurt that you were happy to go when they paid but now you have options you’re choosing not to go (I am sorry, totally not my opinion!!)

OP’s husband doesn’t agree with OP, and thinks they should invite his parents.

I'd be delighted for you that you were now managing an additional trip as a family. It's a shame they're taking the shine off your trip by making you feel guilty.

YANBU

But if you and DH aren’t offering to contribute more to the joint holidays than just groceries and a dinner then I would probably prioritize doing so from here out alongside saving for trips with just the DC. Especially if your in-laws aren’t well off enough that the holiday costs are negligible to them.

I can see a potential situation where they know your finances are so tight the only way for you to travel is for them to pay for it, so they do because they don’t want you and DC to have to go without holidays entirely. But now if you’re at a place where you can afford to get away and you’re doing that without them yet also still taking them up on the funded trips without offering to contribute more… I can see where they might feel a bit taken advantage of. So yes, it’s completely reasonable to want to have some holiday time with just your DC, but if finances are gradually improving then offering (they may not accept, offering can be enough) to contribute some more to the trips with them is also reasonable.

Pay your own way or don't go on the free holiday next year.
It would piss me off if I was told by relatives that they can't afford a holiday, I pay and then they go ahead and book one.

We’ve never said we aren’t going on holiday because we can’t afford it, that’s not why they offered. They may have guessed but finances isn’t something we discussed.

they go on multiple foreign outsider outside of this yearly UK trip with us. SIL also comes on the UK trip and she goes on holidays outside of this trip, I think it’s only an issue for them as we have their only grandchildren.

I don’t know why people think I dislike them I don’t (or I wouldn’t have gone away with them for the last 8 years!) but with more people on a trip there’s always more to think about/ going on so it is naturally more tiring than just your immediate family. I am a bit surprised by their reaction to be honest, it doesn’t feel about the money at all, it feels
about our holidays are theirs.

thank you all for your comments they’re really useful!

Just don’t accept any more freebies.

I can understand both sides. After 8 years they feel there is a tradition of holidaying together. Then the first chance you get, you are off on your own so they feel used. I understand you only want your nuclear family there and that being with wider family means less relaxation is possible.

Did you have a conversation with them about your holiday before you booked it?

It is the precedent I think OP. It’s not just something you’ve done for a couple of years.
They probably feel like they’re not good enough for you once you have funds but you’re very happy to take the trip from them the rest of the time.

I would feel hurt if I was them. I don’t think I would offer any more trips. But it sounds like they will because they want to see the grandchildren

I’d agree with this, however I can’t imagine my parents paying as an adult so I’m finding it hard to think how it would work. I’d be absolutely mortified. But yes any other holiday you pay half. It’s like they have bought your company and now think they are owed it.

do they holiday on their own op?

I find it so strange that they would expect you never to have a small, casual family holiday. I don't know anyone that holidays with the in laws for every single trip. Please do not be made to feel guilty here, it is very normal to go just as the direct family and having accepted gifts in the past does not change that.

Stand firm OP. YANBU
Just explain that you're still really happy to come on the joint holiday with them, but that the extra one you have paid for is an extra treat for yourselves that you've saved hard for. They can hardly begrudge that

Did you discuss it with them first? Because I think if you didn't, I can see why they might be a little hurt.

I agree with this.
From your update they go on plenty of holidays just the two of them so they shouldn’t begrudge you family time.

Yes it sounds like you only wanted to go with them because you got a free holiday rather than you enjoyed spending time with them.

I can't think of anything worse, TWO holidays with the in-laws. They obviously want to spend time with you and they are getting their one holiday next year, why on earth would they try and infringe on your family time together.

Stand firm and say to them this is our only holiday we are having just us that we have booked and we want to do it on our own.

I cannot believe the cheek of them to be honest. I wouldn't dream of doing this

Stick to your guns OP, you are entitled to holiday as just your direct family unit.

My DH once suggested to me that MIL could join us and I said no as I felt it was important we holidayed away from his mother whom he was (and still is) enmeshed with.

I don't think you are BU to want a family holiday without the in-laws. That said, I can see how they feel hurt - it looks like you only went with them previously because it was the only option, and as soon as you can afford to pay you're dropping them.

Can you have a calm conversation with them? Or if not, you and DH write a letter? Explain that you’ve had fantastic holidays with them in the past and are extremely grateful, and hope to holiday with them again sometimes in the future, but you have never had a holiday with just you DH and DC and you’re sure they’ll understand that you would like to do that for your next holiday.

If you're going on a separate holiday with them anyway I think they are being unreasonable.

Why would you feel hurt? So because you have previously offered and paid for holidays with your children and grandchildren, your children should never be allowed to have a holiday with just their own nuclear family without you? That sounds so suffocating and needy.

Her in laws go on holiday without them and her SIL has holidays with her parents and without them. It's only OP and her DH that aren't allowed to do that because they have the only grandchildren. Her PILs are being very unreasonable.

So SIL goes on these trips with your in-laws, her parents presumably, on the same terms but she is allowed to holiday without them without them being “hurt”!

The difference has to be the grandchildren then and them enjoying spending time with them on holiday is nice and understandable but when they push that to trying to prevent you ever holidaying without them and denying you the experience of holidaying just mum, dad and children, then they are just being selfish and not very nice. Did they never holiday with their children without your DH’s paternal grandparents joining them?

I think it’s this. It does make it feel like you’ve been accepting a free holiday with them all these years but the first opportunity you have to book a holiday of your choice you’ve chosen to exclude them.

I think they are probably hurt rather than angry or put out. I can see it from both sides but if I were your in-laws I’d find it really hard not to take it personally and be hurt.

I understand you wanting to go without them but at the same time it does seem like you're happy to go on holiday with them when they pay but when you can afford it you don't want them there. Of course they are going to be hurt.