Family holiday - in laws offended they aren’t invited

[Startrekobsessed]

Since we had our first child 8 years ago finances have been tight so we have never taken a ‘family’ holiday together just myself, my husband and our children.

Every year my in laws have paid for a trip for us all in the UK, with them of course. We’ve finally saved enough to go on our own UK break next year which we have just booked. The in laws are now asking if they can come and seem put out that they aren’t invited. I’m incredibly grateful for the trips they’ve taken us on (to be clear we pay for all groceries on the trips and a meal out, we don’t just sit back and take) but I can’t believe they would begrudge us a trip just our nuclear family.

it’s like the last 8 years have been a precedent and now its abnormal if we want and are able to do our own thing. I’m struggling to get on board with this mindset and know if my parents were still around they would just be happy for us.

AIBU I’m thinking it’s ok for us to go away ourselves and stand firm on not inviting them, my husband thinks maybe we should but I’d like some quality time with our children. I’d be grateful for your thoughts!

I don’t think you’re unreasonable in wanting to go alone but I find these dynamics a minefield. I’m not great at figuring out where my boundaries should be, never mind enforcing them, and my pils don’t recognise any at all and dh struggles disappoint them, and I hate him being miserable and throw myself under the bus instead. At least in our case it’s just turning up for a day or two and not a whole shoot me now holiday.

It sounds as if the conversation has been had though, so feelings are hurt, whether you back down or not. If they’re still pushing to go, that’s quite domineering really, and it’s probably better to stand firm.

No, stand firm. We had the same situation - parents/ILs very kindly took us on similar trips for the 7 or 8 years when the kids were young and I wasn't working. After that, we started having our own holidays, but quite often still went with them on a week that they paid for (not every year, but maybe every other year). We tried to pay half once we could afford it, but they would never have it (like you, we paid for groceries and a nice meal out).

For them, the main thing is to spend some holiday time with us - so they would have been hurt if we'd refused to go away with them at all. Now we're both working it's quite hard to find the time tbh, but we do always try. But I don't think they've begrudged us the holidays we've had without them - I hope not, anyway! A 'nuclear family' holiday is a totally different experience, so I guess you just need to explain that as kindly as possible. Do you know what they did with regard to holidays with family when they were your age? I wonder if you can find a nice way of reminding them of their own 'nuclear family' holidays when their kids were young?

YANBU, OP. This would really annoy me.

Unless your PiL have been going without to ensure you can all go on holiday (and if they have you were very unreasonable to accept) they are making quite a power play here and being disingenuous not to acknowledge it. It is obvious why you might want a holiday without them and controlling of them to put pressure on you to invite them.

I would consider turning down any future holiday, or any other freebie they offer, next time. It’s clear their offers are not string free. Now you know, the clearest way to be free of those expectations is to make sure future interactions are on an equal footing.

When you’re in a position to gift them the way they have gifted you, you might consider paying back. Until then I would be feeling a bit frosty towards them.

Of course you're not being unreasonable! Every family unit needs their own holiday time without extended family. Holidays are precious.

Go ahead and enjoy your holiday without guilt.

Same as @Idontjetwashthefucker
I don’t agree-We have taken my son’s girlfriend and another son’s boyfriend on various holidays and we have been very happy for them to go away by themselves.

Is this a grandparent thing where some grandparents use their financial position to be included on activities and holidays ?

As with others, we have paid for our adult children ( and grandchildren) to come with us but would never expect them to invite us on their holidays. It is important for them to get away with just their own immediate family.

In that case I really think you should be refusing the holiday they pay for every year. Why not suggest a weekend away you both pay towards and then have your own family holiday? I can see where you're coming from but I can see how your pov could be seen as having your cake and eating it. At the end of the day they just want to spend time with you and your kids. If you can't be yourself with them at this stage sounds a bit like you put on an act when you're with them and that's not fair on anyone either

Yes I would say this, sure a family holiday with just yourselves is fine but maybe it would have been good to treat them once before doing this

This. I can't believe the responses on this thread. People have become so self centred.

Gifts shouldn’t need to be repaid, if there were strings attached to the holidays they offered to pay for they should’ve been honest about that, you can’t just decide this after the fact that’d utterly ridiculous.

If you only give gifts in order to for them to be repaid or for the recipient to be beholden to you that’s not a gift, and it’s manipulative to act like it is.

Maybe you shouldn’t accept next year’s paid for holiday?

Nah I think it’s the other way round, it’s self centred to give gifts only in order to receive, the in laws should’ve been honest if there were strings attached to the previous holiday gifts.

True, but only on the basis of saying I didn’t realise these holidays weren’t really a gift but were being chalked up to be held against us.

Talks agree, if you invite them now it doesn’t become a one off thing it just reinforces the idea that you always go on holiday together and you never go away as a family.

Are you the OP w a name change fail? I personally wouldn't accept a holiday with people if I found their company a drag. I bet your partner's parents would be mortified to know their presence is a suffrence to you. Stop agreeing to spend time with people you appear to think are so manipulative.

Did you tell them before you booked that this year it would be you and the children? Also, how did you tell them? Your DH and his parents were their own "nuclear family" for many years and perhaps they had just assumed that the 3 gen holiday would continue for the foreseeable.

Yanbu but I can see their pov as well. Holidays with the in-laws is different from one with your family surely but it’s like they thought they’re already an extension of your family with those holidays and can’t seem to grasp that you’re a separate unit. However, they’ve been gracious they could have gone on holiday with their own nuclear Family as well, so the 2 of them all these years but they might have felt bad thinking you can’t afford it so taken you so you get to experience this and now feel put out that this is not been reciprocated

Then have you time to say you can’t go on holiday with them next year? Or, perhaps pay half, or insist on paying your own way? That way you will not be beholden to them…

It’s not about there being strings attached. But it’s CF territory, to go on holiday regularly with someone when they are paying but then not want to go with them if they aren’t paying. It comes across as mercenary. It’s quite hurtful too. It implies you only want to go away with them/spend that time with them if they are paying.

Obviously the OP should be able to go away just them at some point, but they probably should have at least one or two holidays where they go with the in laws where the in laws haven’t paid for them.

I think you are looking at his wrong. They aren’t holding anything against you. They are assuming you enjoy holidaying with them and would want to go with them whether they are paying or not. However you sound as if you were just taking the holidays when they are paid for, and wouldn’t otherwise choose to go away with them, which is a bit mercenary really.

You were quite happy to accept their kindness in the past.
Now you're sticking two fingers up at them because this year you don't need them to pay for you.
Wow. That's rubbish behaviour in fact totally selfish.
I wouldn't fancy picking up the mess that you've made. And you'll have earned it.

Yanbu,but I wouldn't imagine in laws will pay for your holidays going forward.

The reference to your parents not doing this should they still be alive is unfair and suggests resentment

Surely this is a conversation for DH to have with them along the lines of “we are incredibly grateful for the holidays you have taken us on and love spending time with you but we were looking forward to a holiday just for our little family this time as it’s not something we have done before”. It is a shame that they are offended but I do think they are being unreasonable.

No I’m not the OP.