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AIBU?

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Original poster

In-laws "tidying up" - maddening!

103 replies

ChirpyBee · 21/12/2024 20:15

In laws live about 3 hours away, so when they come round they stay over for a few nights. Which is fine, but one very annoying thing they do is to "help" us around the house.

Putting pans from drying rack away in cupboards etc, general tidying of the house. However since they don't live here they obviously don't know where anything goes and just put it anywhere they please!! So for the duration they're here and for days afterwords I can't find anything!! Can't find the pan I'm looking for, DCs toys in all the wrong places and jumbled up, toothbrushes, DC medicines. And the worst part is, I'm supposed to be grateful for the help?!

I tell them not to, surely it's the easiest thing in the world to relax and not do housework? Then apparently I'm being horrible as I don't appreciate it and make them think they're doing it wrong (which they are).

Not the biggest deal in the world and it probably does piss me off irrationally more than it should but am I really being unreasonable?! Nothing will change because honestly no matter what I say they just keep doing it.

OP posts:
Endofyear · 21/12/2024 23:53

YANBU it's annoying. Have you told them that you know they're trying to be helpful but it's not actually helpful to keep putting your things away in the wrong place so you can't find them? I think I'd be tempted to have a few jobs for them to do while they're staying with you so they can feel useful? Help with the ironing/sewing on nametags/buttons/taking up hems or gardening would actually be useful! Or giving the bathroom a good scrub!

Pottedpalm · 22/12/2024 00:07

Show them where things go.

DottyDodger · 22/12/2024 00:29

This used to wind me up too. My exmil used to clean EVERYTHING and it drove me mad. My mom comes and refuses to empty the dishwasher because she doesn't know where things (she bloody well does, she just doesnt want to!).

My current in-laws do bugger all. They stay with us for over a week every year and don't lift a finger - I cook/clean/run around for a week while they're on their holidays. This is 100x worse than getting it wrong, trust me.

SausageinaBun · 22/12/2024 00:33

My PIL used to wash up badly and then put things away. DH found this incredibly irritating as he'd take something out to use it and discover it was either wet or dirty. And we have a dishwasher, so it wasn't at all useful.

Fargo79 · 22/12/2024 00:36

I think life would be far more pleasant if people looked at the intention behind actions and words where possible. I'm sure people did used to do this, instead of always finding the negative.

Your in laws are trying to help. They are making a bit of a hash of it and it's causing mild inconvenience, but can't you just be happy that they care? That they want to help you? They live 3 hours away. It's not like this is a daily occurrence.

RamblinRosie · 22/12/2024 00:48

Oh yes, unwanted help…

We had visitors for lunch and the wife decided to help me in the kitchen. They were my father’s friends so I was a bit overawed.

First thing, I turned for a wooden spoon I’d left
on a plate for stirring, only to find it gone, she’d washed it and the plate up.

Next she decided I’d overfilled the pot where the potatoes were boiling, I was washing up, so she decided to pour the “excess” down the side of the sink… totally missed it, if I hadn’t jumped back rapidly, I’d have had a pint of boiling water tipped down my bare legs. Instead I had a pint of potato water to mop off my kitchen floor….

I’m now very clear, in my kitchen, if you want to help, you can ‘stand in sympathy’ chat and pass me stuff as required, otherwise TOUCH NOTHING!
(Unless you’re my husband, who is well trained!).

Discombobble · 22/12/2024 00:51

Fargo79 · 22/12/2024 00:36

I think life would be far more pleasant if people looked at the intention behind actions and words where possible. I'm sure people did used to do this, instead of always finding the negative.

Your in laws are trying to help. They are making a bit of a hash of it and it's causing mild inconvenience, but can't you just be happy that they care? That they want to help you? They live 3 hours away. It's not like this is a daily occurrence.

Doing something you’ve been asked not to is not helpful

EmmaSmiff · 22/12/2024 01:09

My MIL lives abroad now and is too old to visit us, thank goodness, because she drove me mad with this! She would go around watering down my hand soap and shampoos to make them go further.

colinthedogfromaccounts · 22/12/2024 01:18

I just don't get it. It is just not a big deal.

How far would you have to look for a pot/pan. Assuming a reasonable size kitchen - you might have to open 3 drawers to locate it. Taking all of 30 seconds. Same with the children's toys.

Assuming you don't live in a 10 bed mansion, this is just a control thing. You won't feel better for being controlling and will likely upset your guests. In the words of Elsa - let it go.

LimeYellow · 22/12/2024 01:22

When my MIL is staying I think up nice easy jobs to give her. It's nice that they want to help.

prepareforthebacklash · 22/12/2024 01:26

The only way to tackle this is to sit them down, look them in the eyes, take their hand too if necessary, and explain why their love and support in this instance is not working for you.

When I worked as a cleaner, people had no qualms in telling me to stop doing certain things in their house because it either sent them loopy later on trying to correct what I'd done, or else they thought my time was better spent on another activity. When you pay someone though, it's far easier to bring the subject up.

Some people just don't get it though - when I was looking after my MIL and ha moved in with her to do so, my SIL (who lived 200+ miles away) frequently said she'd like to come and give me & her brother the night off...she never grasped that one three-hour stint in a long line of days spent looking after a person with dementia was neither here nor there, especially as it would take me a good hour to show her all that was needed. If it was that she'd been willing to turn out some cupboard and clean them, or stand for a couple of hours ironing, I would have grasped it with both hands, but she was never too keen to help with the stuff I was struggling with.

devilspawn · 22/12/2024 01:31

Mine did this along with a bunch of other stuff in the garden and caused damages that cost us around £650 (of course, there was no offer to help with the cost).

This was in addition to having to rewash things that hadn't been cleaned properly, and having to rinse everything because they didn't rinse a thing.

The only way I fixed it was to permanently ban them from the house and make it clear they were no longer welcome. Now I get guilt tripping cards that go straight in the recycling but that's much easier to deal with.

JingleB · 22/12/2024 01:32

We play the “where would Dad think this should go” game. I am pretty good at it.

My brother washes up but gets one of my kids to put things away.

dizzydizzydizzy · 22/12/2024 01:32

DM complains about this when DB visits.

colinthedogfromaccounts · 22/12/2024 01:35

devilspawn · 22/12/2024 01:31

Mine did this along with a bunch of other stuff in the garden and caused damages that cost us around £650 (of course, there was no offer to help with the cost).

This was in addition to having to rewash things that hadn't been cleaned properly, and having to rinse everything because they didn't rinse a thing.

The only way I fixed it was to permanently ban them from the house and make it clear they were no longer welcome. Now I get guilt tripping cards that go straight in the recycling but that's much easier to deal with.

You banned your in-laws for tidying?

You did them a favour.

IdylicDay · 22/12/2024 02:15

You need to speak in plain direct language to them. Tell them you feel offended when they do it, that you cannot find anything because they aren't put where they should be. That if they can't stop meddling you will ask them to stay at a hotel.

MyBirthdayMonth · 22/12/2024 02:15

It's not helpful, it's a territorial grab.

IdylicDay · 22/12/2024 02:16

devilspawn · 22/12/2024 01:31

Mine did this along with a bunch of other stuff in the garden and caused damages that cost us around £650 (of course, there was no offer to help with the cost).

This was in addition to having to rewash things that hadn't been cleaned properly, and having to rinse everything because they didn't rinse a thing.

The only way I fixed it was to permanently ban them from the house and make it clear they were no longer welcome. Now I get guilt tripping cards that go straight in the recycling but that's much easier to deal with.

Good move. I'd also ban them if they did that.

And causing £650 damage and not having the decency to pay for it is the absolute kicker.

shampooing · 22/12/2024 02:20

SausageinaBun · 22/12/2024 00:33

My PIL used to wash up badly and then put things away. DH found this incredibly irritating as he'd take something out to use it and discover it was either wet or dirty. And we have a dishwasher, so it wasn't at all useful.

MIL used to do this too. Really obviously dirty too, never understood it.

@ChirpyBee I would calmly tell them they are doing it wrong and causing you and DH more work, not less, and if they do it again they won’t be welcome (or get DH to relay it but not as ‘Chirpy says’).
MIL helpfully rearranged our cutlery drawer and I took it all out again and put it back as we liked it and said that it was our home and we wouldn’t do that in hers. She took offence and didn’t come back for a while which I took as a good result (she can be a pain generally).

comfyshoes2022 · 22/12/2024 02:25

I would try to think proactively of tasks you can give them that will genuinely be helpful to you.

crumblingschools · 22/12/2024 02:29

For those saying they are trying to help even after they have been asked not to do it, would you do the same in your adult DC’s house or someone else’s house even if you have been asked not to?

elliejjtiny · 22/12/2024 02:57

My MIL rearranges things in my kitchen so it's the same as hers. Then she has my easiest child round to stay at hers and tells everyone she knows that she is helping me by looking after him. I'd stop letting him going to stay but he's an adult and she buys him his favourite crisps that are really expensive.

She also spreads gossip (and doesn't even get it right), and she thinks when people say a non committal "hmm" that means they are agreeing with her. Which is annoying because she will then tell the dc that certain things will be happening.

Brefugee · 22/12/2024 03:11

Fargo79 · 22/12/2024 00:36

I think life would be far more pleasant if people looked at the intention behind actions and words where possible. I'm sure people did used to do this, instead of always finding the negative.

Your in laws are trying to help. They are making a bit of a hash of it and it's causing mild inconvenience, but can't you just be happy that they care? That they want to help you? They live 3 hours away. It's not like this is a daily occurrence.

This is "be kind" piffle.

Tell them clearly to stop it. If you have to tell them a 2nd time make it much clearer.

I am petty. I would visit them and do the same with knobs on

colinthedogfromaccounts · 22/12/2024 07:59

It's only a territorial grab if you care about the territory. There are so many more important things to stress about.

Not using the car seat - my ILs tried to hide their short trips with baby DS on their knees (not UK).

Aunty gave 2 year old DS an energy drink.

Going to the beach and not using suncream.

Feeding DS2 bread when he was on a strict GF diet.

These are sackable offences. I just could not get upset about the pots and pans.

LottieMary · 22/12/2024 08:33

They're just trying to help. I love that family
Feel so comfortable they'll do that, it also means they'll get their coffees etc themselves and I don't have to wait on them
If it bothers you either show them where things go or ask them to leave things they're not sure about on the side.