In-laws "tidying up" - maddening!

[ChirpyBee]

In laws live about 3 hours away, so when they come round they stay over for a few nights. Which is fine, but one very annoying thing they do is to "help" us around the house.

Putting pans from drying rack away in cupboards etc, general tidying of the house. However since they don't live here they obviously don't know where anything goes and just put it anywhere they please!! So for the duration they're here and for days afterwords I can't find anything!! Can't find the pan I'm looking for, DCs toys in all the wrong places and jumbled up, toothbrushes, DC medicines. And the worst part is, I'm supposed to be grateful for the help?!

I tell them not to, surely it's the easiest thing in the world to relax and not do housework? Then apparently I'm being horrible as I don't appreciate it and make them think they're doing it wrong (which they are).

Not the biggest deal in the world and it probably does piss me off irrationally more than it should but am I really being unreasonable?! Nothing will change because honestly no matter what I say they just keep doing it.

@Fargo79

I agree re intention.
My dp used to do light helping and I kmow they genuinely did it to be helpful and help me out

Unfortunately pils have been extremely nasty about cleaning and bad tempered when they have done it never asked too.

Surely, if they cared, when OP has asked them to stop doing it, they would stop. Instead they just got offended.

If the original intention was to be helpful, why on earth would they continue to do this knowing that it isn't wanted or appreciated as it causes more work for OP.

She banned her inlaws for causing £650 worth of damage. She did herself a favour.

This is so annoying. I say time and time again, no thank you we got it. But she 'insists'. A few Christmas's ago, my MIL decided to wash up after lunch and put everything away and I was not even allowed to be in the room. Turns out she put her special porridge bowl in the fridge with leftovers and couldn't find it. (She has brought this from home because apparently our bowls aren't good enough) I somehow still got the blame for this.

Rather than unwanted help, direct them to tasks that they can do eg my dad arrives (still my dc have left home ) took box in hand and he gets to work on whatever niggling problems we have then mum will happily clean cupboards for instance, taking everything out and then putting in neatly, when dc were small she would scrub the plastic toys etc even clean their bathroom ... my house is not that bad honestly but I would deliberately direct her to where i need help, she also was the only person other than us willing to babysit dd1 (autistic and blackouts) so she would cook for the dc so we could go out.

Jesus! You have an appropriate username!

I had an ex who insisted on 'helping' with DIY when I wasn't around. It cost thousands to put right. He wouldn't stop. In the end he had to go.

Pp is right, it's a power grab.

Insist that they sit down and relax. Be very very insistent. Loudly.

Maybe take the hint that your house is a bit of a mess? How many different places for a pan can there be? Or do you literally never put them away so anywhere behind a door is the wrong place?

They are just helping. Can’t do right for wrong.

We used to do the same when my parents were a bit younger. I think for my parents it was very much a case of them still wanting a role in helping me, needing to feel useful in our lives. My Mum said she tried to do some of the tasks that she only ever got the chance to do in the school holidays (worked in a school) as she recognised I didn’t get time like that.

MIL and FIL used to come for weeks at a time. MIL never realised where the kettle was. FIL used to wash up the breakfast things, leave them on the draining board and leave a bowl of dirty washing up water behind. He made work. They could and should have gone straight in the dishwasher. However, better than their daughters who would get up from the table, leaving their dirty plates fir me.

No. They’re not helping or doing ‘right’!

My mom used to do this. She'd rearrange all of my kitchen cabinets, because she didn't agree with how I organized things in my own kitchen in the house that I pay for. It drove me mad and I had massive arguments with her about it.

As a poster above said "not to be controlling" (in my own house apparently), I hate having to look for things in the place I live, where I pay rent and bought everything. I don't have time to go look for things for 30 sec when I am cooking. I need to be able to grab it effortlessly. And, all those 30 sec throughout the week really add up, when I also work full-time.

Don't mess with people's things! How hard is that? Just offer help and take their lead and ask if you don't know how something is arranged. It's not your home, so be respectful when you visit, regardless of your connection to its inhabitants!

Rant over.

My DM does it. I had a word and asked her to leave anything on the top of the worktop that she’s not 100% sure where it lives and then I put those things away myself. She’s only trying to help.

This. Unless your kitchen is the size of the one at Buckingham Palace then presumably it would only take a minute or two to show them that saucepans go in the one and only saucepan drawer and plates go in the one and only plate cupboard. If they still do it wrong it syry can't be thst difficult to find where they've put stuff.
My grandmother used to come and stay. She would rearrange all the cupboards. It drove my father mad even though he had nothing to do with the domestic side of life.She was my mums mum and an absolutely fabulous granny. Mum just put it all back once they'd gone. It wasn't a hill to die on.

Surely

Thank you for washing up mil, its a massive help, just leave everything on the top and I will put it away!!

Sometimes it can be a power grab / dominance thing - but not always. If the relationship is otherwise good, then I'd be inclined to say that it's a need to feel like they are contributing.

My mum was the same, and me and my siblings are as well, because we were brought up to offer help. Consequently I find it really difficult to sit down when someone else is working, as I feel guilty! In my parents' case they were/are not particularly emotive or physically demonstrative, so helping was their way of showing care.

However I am very aware that just wading in is rude, so I always ask if I can help as I like to do so if that's OK, but I also don't want to be in their way. Most people will accept. But if someone says no, I'll sit down (and try not to fidget!).

If my grandkids were living in a messy home i would also want to help tidy up, they're just trying to help. Who cares that they're putting pans in the wrong place

@AngelinaFibres rearranging cupboards is so rude. Would you do that at relatives or friends house? Your granny was just making more work for your mum. Would she have been so unbothered if it was her in-laws doing it?

That would drive me mad. My MIL is similar. At her house everything goes in the dishwasher. At our house she insists on washing everything in the sink (in lukewarm water) despite us having a fullly functioning dishwasher. I point out that its already half full, needs to be loaded and go on or plates will fester in there for days getting smelly, but she completely ignores me. Every single visit.

Create a written to do list and leave it somewhere handy like the fridge. It should be things that they’re capable of actually helping with such as scrub the bathroom etc. Show them the list and the cleaning cupboard and say any help with these specific tasks only is appreciated.

Sorry but I think you are being massively unreasonable. Is your kitchen that massive that it takes hours to find a pot which was put in the wring cupboard?
They want to help. Tell them how to than, and stop getting annoyed at someone trying to be kind to you.
My MIL does the same, and I’m very very grateful even though she misplaces things too

@lover99 what if your definition of messy is different from the parents of your grandchildren? My MIL is minimalist, nothing on surfaces at all, apart from a couple of photo frames, no books are kept as only read once, a couple of ornaments and a couple of pictures on the wall.

We are very much not minimalists! Bookcases everywhere, family photos galore etc.

So no matter how tidy our house is, she will see it as messy.

My in-laws do this. It’s really annoying. Especially when MIL insists on washing up, water isn’t hot enough so you come to use the tray/plate/whatever and it’s greasy or still dirty.
StepMIL once “tidied” the changing table- put baskets of nappies and wipes etc in a drawer and replaced with teddies and toys she’d bought. I only realised halfway through a change. Luckily DD was too young too repeat the words coming out of my mouth!
i can be more honest with my own mum and say if she feels the need to help then vacuum or something. Leave the kitchen alone!