In-laws "tidying up" - maddening!

[ChirpyBee]

In laws live about 3 hours away, so when they come round they stay over for a few nights. Which is fine, but one very annoying thing they do is to "help" us around the house.

Putting pans from drying rack away in cupboards etc, general tidying of the house. However since they don't live here they obviously don't know where anything goes and just put it anywhere they please!! So for the duration they're here and for days afterwords I can't find anything!! Can't find the pan I'm looking for, DCs toys in all the wrong places and jumbled up, toothbrushes, DC medicines. And the worst part is, I'm supposed to be grateful for the help?!

I tell them not to, surely it's the easiest thing in the world to relax and not do housework? Then apparently I'm being horrible as I don't appreciate it and make them think they're doing it wrong (which they are).

Not the biggest deal in the world and it probably does piss me off irrationally more than it should but am I really being unreasonable?! Nothing will change because honestly no matter what I say they just keep doing it.

Calmly in a nice way explain what you've said here.
Then they put things away because they don't know where it goes it causes you much more work ad you can't find it. Please ask if you're not certain where it goes. Call them back to show them if they Still insist and have done it wrong.
Much nicer to try and help rather than sit there and let you do it all.

My parents do this whenever they visit, which is at least every couple of weeks. We’re very grateful, and are quite used to finding things in the wrong cupboard etc. If things repeatedly end up in the wrong place I just tell them. It’s not that big of a deal.

If it really annoys you I’d give them specific jobs to do that they can’t mess up. Or label the cupboards!

If people want to help, they should ask first. That's only polite. It's true for putting things away, unless you 100% know where they go, and it's true for other things, too. Sometimes unrequested 'help' comes across as a silent criticism that your home isn't clean/tidy enough (which implies that you're lazy). That may not be the intention, but you'd think most people would be aware that it will often be interpreted that way.

I would give them specific tasks.

The one task I find it very useful to have help with, because I'm not great at keeping on top of it, is going through the kids' wardrobes and drawers and weeding out all the stuff that has been outgrown to go in the charity collection bag. Especially socks! This task has the benefit of constant grandchild-grandparent interaction as the kids can "model" their clothes for grandparents. My mother does this task for me every now and again (as well as sorting the linen and towel cupboard) and I am genuinely very grateful as it makes my life so much easier.

I live with my MIL and she does this exact thing.

wont use the dishwasher but makes a very poor attempt at washing up, including leaving a lukewarm bowl of water to fester. Dishcloth floating too.

Drives me nuts. And after 18 months still hasn’t bothered to learn where things go. Everything has a home, but oh no, cram it in wherever.

I bet this from my own DM despite staying over for long periods of time. It annoys me but I appreciate it and just keep reminding her. But wouldn't complain as she is doing me a massive favour.
When they stay for 1 - 2 weeks they apways help. When it is a 2 or 3 day visit Mum doesn't get stuck in as much which is 100% fine with me.

My sister is like this i let her carry on saves me from doing it.
Mind you i have rang her sometime and asked where things are.
But im used to it.
No big deal for me.

Yes I have had this and found it very irritating. In my case though PIL were I know just trying to be helpful. The way in which I dealt with it was to ask them to do some quite specific things [which I did not think they could cock up]. They were delighted to help and I did not feel like exploding when everything was in the wrong place/badly cleaned or in the case of my best pans attacked with a wire scouring brush.

My ex is very tidy. I'm not.
Once, years ago, when he was staying with me, the post arrived while l was upstairs. He put the lot, unseen and unopened by me, in a kitchen drawer (needless to say, one that l rarely used) without telling me.

Fast forward a few weeks, l got a letter from my credit card company regarding a missed payment and 'late fees'.
After a lively discussion over the phone with the company, a couple of days later l found the pile of post in the drawer. Including, of course, the credit card statement. Which was why l'd missed the payment, l usually just paid it when the statement arrived. I didn't have a direct debit set up because l'd often pay varying amounts depending on my pay that month.

(Now, with smart phones, l have a reminder on my phone a few days before the payment's due, so it wouldn't matter if l hadn't seen the statement, and l pay online, but that wasn't an option back then)

He was very apologetic, paid the late fee, extra interest and another month's payment for me, after we'd had the talk about 'do not put unopened post in a drawer out of sight'.
It's MY house, l know where things are, and l'm not psychic. Unless l'm looking for sellotape or elastic bands, I don't go in that drawer. Certainly don't put things in there that might be important!

I wouldn't dream of putting things away in someone else's house.
Especially if, as pp have said, they're dishes which are still wet or dirty! I honestly can't believe that people can take offence when that's raised as an issue. So unhygienic!

Agree. Doing it the first time might have the intention of being helpful. But still doing it after being asked not to is rude and showing you have no respect for the person or their home.

Every time they put something in the wrong place I would just say "oh thank you MIL but that pot/those toys/that medicine goes over here/there"

Just keep pointing it out. They don't know if you don't tell them. Then if they know where things go it's actually helpful for you.

My sister used to reorganise all my kitchen cupboards when her family came to stay, simply because she felt her method was better. She would not understand that my kitchen setup was geared to how I like to cook, and I would always have to put everything back after she left (she never actually cooked on a visit, so it's not like it was inconveniencing her).

Then one Christmas, she cooked up every packet of pasta she found in the cupboards (about 4 packets) put them in my large kitchen bowl I used for bread making, and stored it in the fridge - for "snacks for everyone". Needless to say, it didn't get touched - even by her kids- and I ended up having to throw the whole lot out the day they left.

I’m now very clear, in my kitchen, if you want to help, you can ‘stand in sympathy’ chat and pass me stuff as required, otherwise TOUCH NOTHING!
(Unless you’re my husband, who is well trained!).

House rule here, that unless the person who is doing the cooking asks for help or advice, the other person stays out! Mainly because we have a small kitchen and an extra person in there can be a pain!

I banned them because they broke my guttering and a very expensive sentimental item that was irreplaceable.

I didn't ask them to touch anything and in fact told them not to the second time. In a nicer way than they deserved.

They can break things in their own homes and think it's funny if they like. Personally, if I was at someone's house and broke something I'd be horrified and insist on covering the cost.

They won't take it well no matter how nicely it's said. I know because my MIL complained to me about SIL saying similar and kept going on about it.

It's not helping and OP has told them that it's not helping. You could only say that they can't do right for doing wrong if OP had asked them to tidy up and then criticised them for doing it. She didn't ask them to do it. She's asked them not to do it. They can do right by stopping doing it.

Your user name should be 'Can't read or understand a post properly'. Her PILs 'tidied' up her garden without asking and caused £650 worth of damage and didn't offer to pay to fix it. Are you saying that she should have been grateful?

I used to love it when my parents or older siblings came round and did some housework during a visit. Perfect. So what if things are in the wrong place? Someone helping me out and letting me sit down for a bit. Great and thank you very much.

Your user name should be 'Can't read or understand a post properly'. Her PILs 'tidied' up her garden without asking and caused £650 worth of damage and didn't offer to pay to fix it. Are you saying that she should have been grateful?

Nope. I'm saying they shouldn't have banned them from their home. That's deranged.

This would work if they actually cared about where things go or being a help. They want to be busybodies and be seen to be helping rather than actually being a help.

To those saying make them a list of tasks - I already do. The only task I want them to help out with is nothing. Surely the easiest task of them all?

This would work if they actually cared about where things go or being a help. They want to be busybodies and be seen to be helping rather than actually being a help.

That's a really unkind way to view their behaviour. Try to be more generous in your thinking.

Nothing will change because honestly no matter what I say they just keep doing it.

Read "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend. Currently you are expecting them to change. This will never happen. The only change you can effect is your own. (Their behaviour is not inside your boundaries; yours is.)

You could say:

• Please don't put that there, it goes here.

• Please bring back all of the things you've moved so I can put them away in the right places.

• I don't find that helpful.

• If you want to help then please don't do ABC; I'd really appreciate it if you could do XYZ.

• You are not invited over.

• DH, your choice is to have a word with your parents or I will. See above.

Oh God, for a terrible moment I wondered if it was me. We were at DSS/DIL's at the weekend - there were 5 children in the house and it was fun but mayhem.

The carnage was spreading around us and I know better than to interfere - DIL is very assertive and would have soon told me! - but all I could think was that when we leave and the children go to bed, they've got to sort everything out during their evening time. She was dealing with a poorly baby and a grumpy toddler amongst everything else so I started gathering up all the discarded toys and "tidying up". It wasn't until I was folding baby blankets that it struck me - it might not be welcome help. So I backed carefully away instead.

It comes from a place of love, I promise!

DSis did this when visiting. Decided to do the drying up, and instead of leaving things on the side for me to put them away, put them in random places and I was playing 'hunt the utensil' for weeks afterwards.

You are going to have to give them a task, you have tried 'nothing' and that doesn't work.

Can you get them to decorate a cake for tea, or similar? Or help the DC tidy their rooms?