In-laws "tidying up" - maddening!

[ChirpyBee]

In laws live about 3 hours away, so when they come round they stay over for a few nights. Which is fine, but one very annoying thing they do is to "help" us around the house.

Putting pans from drying rack away in cupboards etc, general tidying of the house. However since they don't live here they obviously don't know where anything goes and just put it anywhere they please!! So for the duration they're here and for days afterwords I can't find anything!! Can't find the pan I'm looking for, DCs toys in all the wrong places and jumbled up, toothbrushes, DC medicines. And the worst part is, I'm supposed to be grateful for the help?!

I tell them not to, surely it's the easiest thing in the world to relax and not do housework? Then apparently I'm being horrible as I don't appreciate it and make them think they're doing it wrong (which they are).

Not the biggest deal in the world and it probably does piss me off irrationally more than it should but am I really being unreasonable?! Nothing will change because honestly no matter what I say they just keep doing it.

They are your in-laws.
Therefore they are incapable of doing anything right.
You obviously haven’t been on MN long enough to know this.
😉😁😁.

My SiL once took all of my laundry from an airer in my garden and told me she was going to ‘iron it dry’.

Or, maybe just leave it on the airer in the breeze and let nature dry it?

Let’s try that, shall we?

Who the fuck volunteers for ironing?

My parents once decided that my front gate opened the wrong way and they were going to do something about it. We’d been here ten years at this point and a) were used to it, and b) didn’t care. Nevertheless, several trips to B&Q, a thousand cups of tea, weird requests for things (Vaseline to make the screws go in better) and then requiring a fresh coat of paint (done by me) afterwards and the gate opens awkwardly and stiffly ‘the right way’.

Storm Bert/Darragh blew the fucker down so it needs replacing anyway.

@TheLightSideOfTheMoon I found my FIL under the stairs playing with the fuse box. When I eventually got out of him what he was doing (because he was being as obstructive as possible when I asked him so it took five or six questions to get to the bottom of it) it was checking if it could take another input because he was going to replace our shower with an electric one. Hadn't asked if we wanted one (and we didn't - we have an amazing shower straight off the mains compared to the drizzle that comes of out of PIL's electric shower). I thanked him and said we were perfectly happy with our shower. He told me I was ridiculous and he was replacing the shower.

He didn't because he hasn't been invited back. It's not helpful when it's "we're doing this because we think our way is best and we don't care what your opinion is". It's rude and controlling.

I actually believe my ILs enjoy finding fault so they can fix it. I used to think they were critical, now I don’t want to deprive them so if they announce the kettle needs descaling they can crack on.
FIL fitted new lights in our absence once. He said there was nothing to do because the dishwasher seal was already clean😂

I agree with this. Try having in laws who don't lift a finger.

How far would you have to look for a pot/pan. Assuming a reasonable size kitchen - you might have to open 3 drawers to locate it. Taking all of 30 seconds.

I have so much kitchen stuff that if one thing doesn't go in the right place, you can't fit everything in. It's like a bloody Rubik cube. It drives me mad when people try and "help" by putting shit away, as it invariably means I have practically empty out a whole cupboard to get it back to how I like it. And there are 9 drawers, so if something is in the "wrong" drawer, there's a lot of choice!

My ex MIL "helped" put stuff away one Christmas, and rammed a large ladle into my tea towel drawer, so that it couldn't be opened more than an inch. My ex had to remove the drawer front to get the fucker out.

No it's nothing to do with "be kind", which is generally where women are told to ignore toxic behaviour that harms them so as not to cause a fuss.

What I'm saying is that where there's no harm, you can either choose to be annoyed or you can choose to feel glad that someone cares about you. What you're suggesting is to cut your nose off to spite your face. Hardly a recipe for happiness.

We had a bloody cleaner that did this!! We sacked her

Yep, that was another thing that the ex-cleaner did

It’s annoying for sure. Are there any jobs they could be doing? Could you direct their cleaning energy into something specific- pile of mending, fixing items, leaf raking, cleaning out a cupboard etc

I adore my mother in law but she does this and it drives me mental.

Has anyone seen my purse?
Oh I moved it.

Has anyone seen the car keys?
Oh I moved them.

Has anyone seen the calpol/war thermometer covers/tin opener/remote control?

Oh I moved it.

Why?? Why did you move it? Leave it where it bloody lives!

Of course I would never say this but I bloody think it every single week.

My MIL was a clean freak and possibly had OCD (unfortunately DH hasn't inherited the love of cleaning)
Whenever she came I'd do a massive clean and tidy up and yet she'd always find stuff to do. Part of me felt like I should feel grateful, however the overriding feeling was that I'm not good enough.

She rearranged all the area around the kitchen sink every.single.time she came.

I wanted her to spend time with the kids and us, and be able to host, but she'd rather "potter" (her expression for rearranging my stuff under the guise of tidying up...except it wasn't really tidying it was just moving stuff from one place to another without knowing where it went!)

PIL came to "help" when DS was a few weeks old. I was desperate for them to take toddler DD out or entertain her at home...but they decided the apple tree needed a good prune and tidy up!

Irritating, but better than expected to be waited hand and foot.
Can you explain to them about everything having its place and you'd prefer to tidy/put things away.
Maybe give them useful jobs instead?

Give 100 less fucks and make your husband deal with it. All of it.

Your husband needs to tell your parents how irritating it is when they put his stuff in places none of it belongs.

Maybe you're not cooking dinner for these people during their stay, including Christmas dinner, with said pots and pans?

It's not a race to the bottom.

You always get posts on here saying it’s helpful, wish they were my PIL, but I’m with you OP. My dad used to do this and I hated it, it was quite passive aggressive and his way of saying he didn’t think my house was tidy or clean enough.

Why shy from the truth?

Give them a set list of where things go.

They are not helping, and if they keep doing it after being told not to, then their intentions are not good.

I had to ask a neighbour friend to feed & walk my dogs for a few days in an emergency. I knew she had a tendency to interfere with things so I very, very clearly said that I didn't want her to do anything other than look after the pets and I knew the place was a mess because I left in a hurry but don't touch anything and I will deal with it when I get back.

She ignored me, broke and chipped crockery washing up and threw out something of practical and sentimental value because she didn't know what it was.

Then when I got cross, I was the bad guy because she was "only trying to help." So my things are damaged, destroyed and lost, despite crystal clear instructions not to touch them, and I'm supposed to be grateful?

But you don't know they've put it in the wrong place until you can't find it three days later, by which time they have forgotten where they put it or deny all knowledge of it.

OMG!!! Are you me? Did I write this thread? Lol...

My MIL does this even worse is, she likes to tidy up and move entire shelves of stuff around in my cupboards because she thinks things should be 'over here' or 'over there' as its more convenient. ( for who I wonder, since she doesn't live with me). I feel you. Its extremely frustrating.

Send them to me!! I love a tidy upper..

Better than my in laws who used to sit on their stupid arses and demand cups of tea, wait to be served food and even in the middle of "helping" us move house asked me what was for lunch.

I'd rather annoying helpful versions instead of lazy ones.

Just what the OP needs: another job to do. Read their minds to figure out what they might decide to put in the wrong place and make a long list of where every single item in the house lives.

Of course, OP, I can't believe you didn't think of this!

Would also be nice if people realised that being nice and helping is about the recipient. It's not about making yourself feel good.
If you buy a gift for someone you like but they wouldn't like, or if you clean up terribly because it makes you feel virtuous or helpful even though you have been told it creates more work and annoyance for the recipient then you've made it all about you. That's not helping.