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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No Christmas card from my baby

528 replies

mumtoababygirl · 21/12/2024 06:01

This year is my first Christmas as a Mum. It took us over a decade to have our baby. I asked my DH back in November if he was going to get me a Christmas card from the baby, he said yes.

I know it’s silly and I know it’s not really from her, but I just would love something that said Mum on it.

He hasn’t got me one.

I’ve been laid here awake for the best part of two hours being so upset about it. I’ve come to the conclusion that he just doesn’t care about me. I’m not asking for a special, custom card from Etsy, just to pop into Tesco (which he passes) on his way home from work. He knows how much I would love it and it would mean to me.

AIBU to be so upset? It’s just a card and not even actually from my baby?

OP posts:
MrsWhites · 21/12/2024 08:47

I say this with kindness as I don’t think any of us who have been fortune enough to not have fertility issues can fully understand but your other half can’t really win here - you don’t know that he has forgotten, you said yourself you haven’t given him his card yet so how do you know he doesn’t have one for you.
I would suggest giving him your card which if he hasn’t got one might prompt him but then I feel like you would tell yourself he only got you one because you reminded him.
Even if he hasn’t got one, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t care, it just means he doesn’t understand the significance that you have put on this card in your own mind.

Your baby will soon be saying mama and honestly, no card will top that moment x

wandawaves · 21/12/2024 08:47

So many thoughts about your thread OP...

... it's not Christmas yet!? I don't understand why you don't understand this. Why on earth would you give someone in your household a Christmas card/gift on anything other than Christmas morning? And you haven't given yours to him yet anyway? So weird.

Also weird is that while it means so much to you, you'd be happy with a supermarket card that he stopped to buy on his way home, and pretends to sign it from the baby. There's no thought or effort in that.

However.... in saying all that, I do think it's thoughtful and meaningful for him to do something for you from the baby. And I mean, you've told him that it's meaningful to you! But I would not want a supermarket card, I think it would be so beautiful if he made a card with your baby; do some footprints or hand prints and make it Christmassy (lots of ideas on Google!). Then it can be a beautiful little keepsake as well. I used to love making stuff like this for my family members. I still have a little hand print Christmas tree that I made with my first kid, 20 years later. And a handprint Santa tree decoration. Lots of things.
THAT is meaningful, not a $3 supermarket card from your husband.

arcticpandas · 21/12/2024 08:47

LetsNCagain · 21/12/2024 08:38

Ironic, because I'm not sure you are.

You don't want a Mum card from your baby. Op does. She is sad she might not get one.

You find this uproariously ridiculous and hilarious, so much so that you laugh repeatedly at people who express sympathy to her. You insist she ought to want a card with Wife on it instead. You've commented repeatedly on this thread to that effect.

Show quote history

If she wants a card from her baby why doesn't she buy one? Why should her DH be sent out on this ridiculous mission?

Coconutter24 · 21/12/2024 08:48

I haven’t given him his yet, no. I have it but I just feel so stupid.

Maybe he just hasn’t given you yours yet either? Why not give him his card and say I was going to give you it Christmas Day but thought it’d be nice to see on the mantelpiece. He might have you one hidden for Christmas Day

SnappyEmotional · 21/12/2024 08:49

Is writing thoughtful cards something your DH has done in the past, during the times you were dating or for any times such as your birthday or anniversary? Does he write cards to others?

If yes then he will probably surprise you with the card. If not, then it may just be something he’s not great at. It’s up to you if you are angry or upset at this.

If my DH told me to write a card from our DC to him, I would do it but it wouldn’t feel genuine. Now that DC does art and craft at daycare, I get many beautiful, priceless pieces of art and cards that is from DC. This will happen in time for you, you’ll see.

Honestlyhonay · 21/12/2024 08:49

Kindly, this is insane.

BeatrizBoniface · 21/12/2024 08:51

I'm going to give you some advice.
Years of infertility take their toll. It's a distressing experience, and seeing cards on people's desks and mantelpieces has made you wistful.
You have your much wanted baby, but everything doesn't automatically fall into place, or allow you to exist in a perfect bubble of happiness. If it's not perfect, it's not the end, maybe just the beginning.
Please tell your DH how much this means.

CautiousLurker01 · 21/12/2024 08:55

Redoubchair · 21/12/2024 08:29

Shallow to want a card with "mum" on it? I'd this a real comment?

Show quote history

Yes this is a ‘how to show you have no understanding of infertility struggles without saying it’ sort of comment isn’t it?

I can totally understand OP’s position - it took 3 years to conceive my first and then another 3 years/5 miscarriages to bring my second into the world, so being a ‘mummy’ was/is a huge part of my sense of self, even now my kids are 16 and 19.

But that said, OP, DH’s can be thoughtless and busy and simply not get it. Hopefully he has a little mummy gift all prepared, but if he doesn’t, it doesn’t detract from the wonderful gift your baby is or the fact you are indeed a much loved mummy. You really will have a memory box filled with cards and hand made gifts that affirm this as the years pass.

@mumtoababygirl Sending a hug, one mummy to another. 🫂

CountryCob · 21/12/2024 08:57

I would get one for yourself with baby. When mine was a baby I bought myself a mummy mug with photos on from her and a footprint coaster when I got them for her Dad as I wanted them and knew he wouldn't get around to it. Now DD forces the point that he is taking her shopping for me herself. I am not a surrendered wife but it was a case of getting myself what i wanted rather than waiting for it to be given. Its not too late now to find a pottery place or go to get a photo mug printed. DH asked who got you that when mine went into the cupboard and I said myself!

Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 21/12/2024 08:58

Yanbu.
You told him that you would love one, told him how much it would mean to you.

When you love someone then things that matter to them matter , even if they seem unimportant to you. You do them. They cost little in terms of time, money and effort, but they mean so much. Why wouldn't you do them for the person you claim to love?

I'm just surprised this is an unfamiliar concept to anyone tbh.

boulevardofbrokendreamss · 21/12/2024 08:58

Kindly, you are being ridiculous imo is. It's not Christmas yet, your baby can't write, you haven't given your husband a card yet. I understand where you're coming from but this isn't worth the angst.

Redoubchair · 21/12/2024 09:00

It would be nice if people understood that people like different things and that doesn't make them "ridiculous" or any of the other words people have used. @mumtoababygirl I understand how you feel. Please tell your husband, because sometimes they just don't know. Hugs to you and please have a wonderful Christmas with your baby.

WalterdelaMare · 21/12/2024 09:02

It’s not even Christmas yet.

You’re being daft.

biscuitsandbooks · 21/12/2024 09:02

It's only the 21st of December Confused why would you know about any card yet?

Switcher · 21/12/2024 09:02

I kind of get it, but parenting is full of the most hideous disappointment and misunderstanding or disagreement with your other parent. Sort of have to be more self contained about it and seek fulfilment in your role more internally. Hard to explain but there are moment that give me joy that are spontaneous and don't rely on anyone except my children, say, giving me a hug. Babies are hard in that respect.

AngelontopoftheTree · 21/12/2024 09:05

I don't get this, today is the 21st of December Xmas Confused
It's still 4 days away!

SatsumaDog · 21/12/2024 09:06

I get where you’re coming from op. It took us 8 years to have our first child. He knows you want a card from your baby, that it means something significant to you. He should absolutely do it as a priority. It’s not a big ask and he shouldn’t need reminding.

Kingofthetyrantlizards · 21/12/2024 09:06

I have nothing to add that others haven't said already OP - but I remember feeling the same as you when it was DD's first Christmas, and to be honest I really can't remember now if I got a card or not! I do remember that for my first mother's day I got 3 cards from DD - one organised by DH, one by my mum (with DD's handprints) and one my MIL bought as she was worried DH would forget 😆🤦‍♀️

Whilst I really don't think you'll remember this in a few months - I do think it's important for parents to show their kids how to show their appreciation to their other parent/partners on special occasions (and other times) - so that when they're old enough to do it independently... they actually do! Just think of the number of 'my kids/dp didn't bother getting me a present' threads we get over Christmas.

Sending you lots of Christmas wishes for you and your baby.

SatsumaDog · 21/12/2024 09:07

Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 21/12/2024 08:58

Yanbu.
You told him that you would love one, told him how much it would mean to you.

When you love someone then things that matter to them matter , even if they seem unimportant to you. You do them. They cost little in terms of time, money and effort, but they mean so much. Why wouldn't you do them for the person you claim to love?

I'm just surprised this is an unfamiliar concept to anyone tbh.

i completely agree.

Isatis · 21/12/2024 09:08

For us. Christmas cards are for friends and relatives outside the family, it would never occur to us to spend money on cards for each other when we will be wishing each other a happy Christmas in person. But if it is a think in your family, it's still awfully early to conclude that your husband isn't going to give you a card from the baby.

butterpuffed · 21/12/2024 09:08

I've only read OP's posts so this may already have been said . If you haven't given DH your one from the baby yet , why are you upset that he's not given one to you ??

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 21/12/2024 09:09

mumtoababygirl · 21/12/2024 07:04

Of course it doesn’t take away from enjoying my baby over Christmas, I’m so grateful for her and I love her so much.

I just would love to see a card on the mantelpiece that was for me that said Mum on it.

DH knows I wanted one, he knows it would mean a lot to me. Does it matter if cards aren’t important to him if he knows it is to me, and it would only take him 15 minutes of effort and cost £3?

@mumtoababygirl
you’ll get your arse handed to you and told Yabu.
And honestly I read this and eye rolled BUT…
it’s not really about the card.

it’s something that for whatever reason means a lot to you and takes very little effort from your DH…. He should do it.

i do stuff i doesn’t care about and think is stupid because it means a lot to my DH / makes him happy and vice versa. That what a caring relationship looks like.
why wouldn’t he do something so low effort that means so much to you?

pinkdelight · 21/12/2024 09:12

I just would love to see a card on the mantelpiece that was for me that said Mum on it.

Put one there then. This should not be a test of your husband's love. I get that you're feeling emotional but please get some perspective. You've got a baby. The baby isn't sending you a card. You could get yourself a mum mug, ice the word on a cake, write it across the sky, it's not the important thing here. If he's loving and a decent dad and partner then don't get hung up on a piece of card. You'll have years of things with mum written on by your actual child and this will seem even more silly if you've made a deal of it.

Hwi · 21/12/2024 09:12

It is bad manners to ask for gifts, very bad manners. Does not matter if it is your nearest and dearest, does not matter if it is only a card, or one flower, etc. etc. asking is not a done thing. People would avoid major disappointment if they stop asking.

MyOtherCarisAVauxhallZafira · 21/12/2024 09:13

Maybe he's got you a present with mum on it, a mug or something, you'd get to keep that and just it every day if you want. A card from a baby doesn't really mean anything