No Christmas card from my baby

[mumtoababygirl]

This year is my first Christmas as a Mum. It took us over a decade to have our baby. I asked my DH back in November if he was going to get me a Christmas card from the baby, he said yes.

I know it’s silly and I know it’s not really from her, but I just would love something that said Mum on it.

He hasn’t got me one.

I’ve been laid here awake for the best part of two hours being so upset about it. I’ve come to the conclusion that he just doesn’t care about me. I’m not asking for a special, custom card from Etsy, just to pop into Tesco (which he passes) on his way home from work. He knows how much I would love it and it would mean to me.

AIBU to be so upset? It’s just a card and not even actually from my baby?

Ok. I missed the sentence where the Op concludes that her husband doesn't care about her.

This is quite a leap to make and - unless there are other more significant issues - is entirely out of proportion to a missing 1st Christmas card.

(If it indeed is missing - nobody knows whether he's actually bought one or not.)

For everyone saying she shouldnt have to remind him. She made a direct request. Following that up with a reminder doesnt change that it was never going to be a surprise. Romanticising this stuff doesnt help anyone.

If any husband concluded that his wife didnt care about him on the basis of needing a reminder I would tell him he was deliberately setting his wife up to fail. Certainly I wouldnt take kindly to my husband suggesting I didnt love him enough because at one of the busiest points of the year I might have overlooked something.

She's being controlling about getting a card that validates her role as a mother. If the card had been given freely, it's a different thing but her husband doesn't want to do this, maybe he thinks it's twee or maybe OP has other fixated behaviours, which has put him off this idea. We've all been there, sleep deprivation and many of us have had fertile issues that can cause mental health issues, resulting in rigid and unhelpful thought. This year it's the husband who is seemingly not acting out the family roles "correctly", the danger with Op's behaviour is that she will have unreasonable expectations of her child to validate her. It's not on. Also she will have been referred to as mum by the midwives and health visitors and probably her husband refers to her as mummy when speaking to his baby? How much more validation is needed? OP's journey to motherhood was very difficult, it's quite normal for that all to come out once a baby arrives. That's why I am respectfully suggesting to seek help with her mental health. Because being so upset about not getting a Dear Mum card from their baby is not healthy.

Remind him op. Don’t over think this and let it spoil your first Christmas with your baby. Congratulations on becoming a mum.

I get it OP, my eldest was born 3 weeks before Christmas (and after 3 consecutive miscarriages). I loved getting to see the word Mummy on a card for the first time.

Admittedly we’re 4 years down the line and with a second child now and we had a conversation about whether we could be bothered to do cards this year and nether of us can be bothered although the boys did both make a card at nursery for us.

But I totally understand why you are upset that he hasn’t bothered. Maybe mention it again.

Have you got him one thats says daddy?

Let’s be honest it’s not about the card it’s about the fact husband has not put in the bit of effort you felt was important. It is a bit hurtful but maybe he’s got a lot going on in his head before Christmas. They can’t keep as much in their heads as we can. My advice is to get your baby give her a lovely big kiss and cuddle look in her eyes and know that to her you mean EVERYTHING. Dad can go by the wayside atm all she cares about is you. Xxxxxx

As someone who can spiral myself, I would say that the best thing to do is say, 'don't forget to get me the 'Mum' Christmas card, I know its a small thing but it will mean a lot to me' and then see what he says. Much better to be up front about stuff like this.
Sometimes you have to ask for the things you need, it's not being controlling, it's communicating.

I think you're being a bit harsh. There's nothing in the OPs post to suggest she's going to have some sort of mental health relapse if she doesn't get a card. You can be upset or negatively mentally affected without needing urgent intervention. Personally I'm not big on Christmas cards, but I would maybe feel a bit upset if it was about a birthday card, I'd had my first and my partner couldn't be arsed when I'd asked him to do this one simple thing for me. Maybe it's the OP's first " big event" as a mother. People do things differently and what's important to one might not seem important to another.

I don't think it's harsh. But it's up to the OP to decide what she wants to do. She can't force her husband to give her a card from baby. It would be a huge shame if this unmet expectation spoils her special Christmas. The reality is she is a mum with a real baby and a real husband. How will she engage with these real people when they don't do what she wants and expects from them? It would be sad if she focuses on not getting her own way rather than her beautiful first Christmas as parents.

Yes, but she hasn't given it to him yet 🙄

Is he waiting for you to exchange them at the same time? Maybe he’s not sure what tradition you want to start / what your plan in your head is. Just talk to him.

Give him the card you hsve for him and he will either pull yours out or it will prompt him to go and get one

Don’t see how she’s making a fuss

Ok I have to admit I think you are being a bit barmy! But.....easy way around it.......say "I have your card here from the baby, cant wait to see mine!"

Cue....HUGE look of panic on his face and then the next day, card from baby.

But, be careful. Not sleeping and getting in such a tizzy about this is not good for you. Hyper focussing on something like this can be an indication that you might be struggling in other areas, keep an open mind about PND and see a doctor if you feel things are starting to overwhelm you or there are more bad days than good in terms of your mood and overall mental health.

It sounds like you are still understandably going through some trauma from the 10 years of trying to conceive.

Try to hold out for Christmas Day before upsetting yourself just incase he is saving it for a special moment. Maybe he is planning to give the card with a present 🤷‍♀️ You can still keep it up on the mantle for a while after Xmas.

If he has forgotten try to remember that you will get a mum card on Mothering Sunday and it’s much harder to forget that celebration.

Maybe their is a bit of pressure to have ‘baby’s first Christmas’ a certain way but I hope you are able to enjoy some baby cuddles and feel a bit more positive x

OP I don't think you're being daft for wanting a card that says mummy on your first Christmas as a mother. But I do find it odd, I'm afraid, that you're becoming upset prematurely 4 days early, when by your own admission you also haven't yet given your husband his card. Why would you then assume he's not getting you one? There's still plenty of days left.

For goodness sake, could Mumsnet get any more batshit over Christmas?

Probably yes , unfortunately.

@mumtoababygirl why not say to him in a jokey way 'when do you think (baby) will give his / her mummy and daddy their cards? I can't wait to have my mummy card on the mantle' - nice subtle reminder!

DH knows I wanted one, he knows it would mean a lot to me. Does it matter if cards aren’t important to him if he knows it is to me, and it would only take him 15 minutes of effort and cost £3?

But you haven’t even given him his yet! And Christmas is four days away!

@mumtoababygirl You have a Baby! Something some women can never have due to various reasons.
Just be grateful that you have her.

What you will treasure in years to come is cards she's made.

Remind your husband that a card is important to you..but if done under suffrage , would it be as good?

I'd wait for the ones your Daughter makes for you! 👍

I understand how you feel after so many years of trying to get what so many take for granted, or do accidentally. I'm sure you want to shout it from the rooftops and have it affirmed loads.
But in general, and I am generalising, most men will never feel the visceral pull of wanting to be a mother and what that may entail. He probably thinks 'we have our baby, it's done', and doesn't quite get that this is just the start.
Of course, fine words butter no parsnips, so what is trivial to some, isn't for you. You may just have to let this one go and wait until Mothering Sunday.
Big congratulations on becoming a MUM! X

Be fair... OP's husband probably suffers from TA syndrome.

I saw this mentioned as a diagnosis on here.

''Task Avoidant''.

🦇 💩 ...Heck, we can all suffer from a little TA, surely.

Your emotions and waiting 10 years to have baby are trashing your thinking.
Is the card so important as a grief release and acknowledgment of all the heartache you went through?
Everyone knows you are mum.
Nothing screams mum more than a mum cuddling her baby.
This need for validation is perhaps best remedied by you buying yourself a mum card and sending it to yourself.
Its almost like you’ve waited so long you can’t believe it and are putting the label in front of the joyous real life bundle of baby and rollercoaster experience of total highs and some tricky moments of being mum.
Perhaps consider some counselling to understand all of these emotions, the sad old ones and the busy new love and responsibility you are discovering for your beautiful baby

I know it’s silly and I know it’s not really from her, but I just would love something that said Mum on it.

OP did you not get lots of cards that said exactly that when you baby was born?

We received cards when we became grandparents so I assume there are cards that say 'Mummy' too?