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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No Christmas card from my baby

528 replies

mumtoababygirl · 21/12/2024 06:01

This year is my first Christmas as a Mum. It took us over a decade to have our baby. I asked my DH back in November if he was going to get me a Christmas card from the baby, he said yes.

I know it’s silly and I know it’s not really from her, but I just would love something that said Mum on it.

He hasn’t got me one.

I’ve been laid here awake for the best part of two hours being so upset about it. I’ve come to the conclusion that he just doesn’t care about me. I’m not asking for a special, custom card from Etsy, just to pop into Tesco (which he passes) on his way home from work. He knows how much I would love it and it would mean to me.

AIBU to be so upset? It’s just a card and not even actually from my baby?

OP posts:
JuliaSmith · 21/12/2024 11:03

Nanny0gg · 21/12/2024 10:30

It's not shallow to the OP, it's meaningful

Did you read the part where she said they struggled to become parents?

You did?
And you felt the need to be nasty?

Well Merry Bloody Christmas to you too

Show quote history

I'd ask you gently, to reconsider your response @Nanny0gg

There is a lovely thoughtful post just after yours from @GeneralGinni . That nails it for me.

On the contrary to your opinion, I'd have assumed that having a lovely baby was 'enough' after infertility, rather than needing some kind of validation with a piece of paper ( the card) with Mummy on it, pretending to be from the baby.

Having struggled to conceive could mean a mum was just happy and content to have a baby, not fast-forward the card-giving that will come in good time.

If anything was appropriate it would be a card from her DH to 'my wife' saying how he appreciated her being a mother to their much-wanted child. A card from HIM, not the baby.

WaitingforStrike · 21/12/2024 11:08

I really disagreed with Generalginni's post - telling the OP to get support, because she wants to see a card with "mum" on it on her mantelpiece?

Highlights12 · 21/12/2024 11:11

Give him his card & hopefully that will remind him

JuliaSmith · 21/12/2024 11:11

WaitingforStrike · 21/12/2024 11:08

I really disagreed with Generalginni's post - telling the OP to get support, because she wants to see a card with "mum" on it on her mantelpiece?

I thought it was very sensible to be honest.

The OP really IS a mum!
No one needs a card to tell them that.

It's not like playing a role in some film or TV series. It's real life and she knows she's a mum every single day. How would a card make her feel better?

WaitingforStrike · 21/12/2024 11:14

JuliaSmith · 21/12/2024 11:11

I thought it was very sensible to be honest.

The OP really IS a mum!
No one needs a card to tell them that.

It's not like playing a role in some film or TV series. It's real life and she knows she's a mum every single day. How would a card make her feel better?

Show quote history

Oh come on. I'm a wife, but was nice to get a card saying "to my wife" the first year I was one.
Im sure I will like one that says "to granny" if that time ever comes.
OP thought she could never get a card that says mum on it. She wants one. It's no hardship for her dh to make this happen.
She needs a dh who will do this for her, not therapy.

Katesboots · 21/12/2024 11:15

Family or friends may have got card from your daughter for Mum and Dad? If you don't get one for Christmas there's always birthdays. I don't think dh and I bought one from dc to each other but tbh I can't remember. It's obviously important to you, can you remind dh?

Nanny0gg · 21/12/2024 11:15

JuliaSmith · 21/12/2024 11:11

I thought it was very sensible to be honest.

The OP really IS a mum!
No one needs a card to tell them that.

It's not like playing a role in some film or TV series. It's real life and she knows she's a mum every single day. How would a card make her feel better?

Show quote history

She's not wanting to be told

She wants a special reminder (for the future) of a wonderful time in her life,

And calling her shallow was spiteful and unnecessary.

So who needs to be 'gentle' here?

GivingitToGod · 21/12/2024 11:17

YABVU and OTT.
As for being upset and awake for 2 hours thinking your husband doesn't care for you?????????
Please

YouZirName · 21/12/2024 11:20

GivingitToGod · 21/12/2024 11:17

YABVU and OTT.
As for being upset and awake for 2 hours thinking your husband doesn't care for you?????????
Please

Agreed.

Get a grip OP, getting upset over not getting a card 'from' your newborn is ridiculous.

BetterWithPockets · 21/12/2024 11:23

RJnomore1 · 21/12/2024 06:43

You’re not being unreasonable and it’s nothing to do with social media. My oldest is 25 and we did this for each other when she was a baby,

The card may seem daft to some people but for you it’s marking an important event in your life, your first Christmas as a mum. And it hurts that despite telling him it matters to you he couldn’t take five minutes to sort it. It’s really not a big request to make.

It doesn’t matter how good a dad he is. He’s supposed to be a good dad. That’s a minimum not something to let him off paying attention to your relationship.

I would be really hurt too if it mattered and I told him and he ignored me. It’s the little things that show you how valued you are by someone to me. Massive hugs and congratulations on your lovely baby, I don’t know if it’s worth telling him again how much it means to you. If he’s dismissive it tells you a lot.

This…

ilovesushi · 21/12/2024 11:25

It's clearly a massive thing for you, but probably has not really registered with your DH that it holds so much meaning and so much emotional weight.

I have put YABU as I think you are setting too much store by this. I don't think you can set up sentimental/ precious items in this way. They have to come to us genuinely and authentically. This is not how your DH would naturally communicate his love for you and joy that you both have a baby (congrats by the way!)

Why don't you buy a pretty tree ornament that says mum on it to mark this first Christmas? Card from a baby is a bit forced I think and now you will only associate it with (misplaced) frustration towards your DH.

Enjoy your Christmas with your family and don't stress about this card. x

BlueSky2023 · 21/12/2024 11:25

There is still time but…….I think if this sort of thing is making you very upset you probably need more sleep

Don't sweat the small stuff, just enjoy your first Christmas being a mum

Particlee · 21/12/2024 11:25

Growlybear83 · 21/12/2024 07:48

I'm a bit speechless. Why would anyone expect a Christmas card from a baby? Lying awake for two hours being upset over something like that is complete madness. I can understand it to a point if you were a bit sad that your husband hadn't made sure a four year old had got you a card, but a baby won't have any idea that it's Christmas! Apart from that, there are still four shopping days left before Christmas. This is one of the most bizarre things I've ever read, even in Mumsnet. 😆😆😆

She isn’t expecting the baby to know it’s Christmas. It’s a sentimental thing, it isn’t too hard to understand.

Hyperbowl · 21/12/2024 11:26

I understand your feelings around this but I think your reaction is disproportionate. How do you know he hasn’t got you one? Instead of being upset for two hours and concentrating on how sad it’s made you feel you need to talk to him and have an open and honest dialogue with him. Good communication is essential for the working of any relationship. It shows mutual respect between two people. Everyone is human. Humans do forget things, can’t expected to be mind readers and sometimes do need to be reminded to do things or sometimes don’t realise the gravitation of feeling around a particular thing. What may be a huge deal for one person personally may not be for a different person. Instead of getting upset for him not realising how important this is for you, go and tell him in a firm but calm fashion and why.

Another thing to consider, is uncaring or dismissive behaviour indicative of the type of person your DH is? Is this why you haven’t emphasised to your DH how important this particular thing is to you? If so then you really need to consider if this marriage is working for you if you’re regularly not prioritised and made to feel uncared for. He may not have made the connection that a Christmas card from your baby means as much as it does to you but if you have made the point and he’s still ignored you then you need to discuss this with him too.

A lot of people don’t give Christmas cards until Christmas Day just go and ask him if he’s done it.

Differentstarts · 21/12/2024 11:31

Yanbu you've been through so much to get your baby i can completely understand why this is so important to you however I do think you need to say something to him or give him the one from you to jog his memory because although I completely understand why it's so important to you it's probably not to him and that's OK it doesn't mean either of you are wrong it's just you think differently and that's normal

AngelontopoftheTree · 21/12/2024 11:33

Particlee · 21/12/2024 11:25

She isn’t expecting the baby to know it’s Christmas. It’s a sentimental thing, it isn’t too hard to understand.

Show quote history

It is hard to understand why she's making such a big fuss 4 days before Christmas!!!!

RedToothBrush · 21/12/2024 11:36

What have I just read???

Notonthestairs · 21/12/2024 11:40

Rather than stewing on this why not remind your husband?

You asked him for it in the first place. Its not like it ever was going to come out of the blue - pretending to yourself that he was going to do this off his own back is whats holding you back. Reminding him makes no difference to that.

mlc0 · 21/12/2024 11:41

I get it op. I'm 30 weeks pregnant with our rainbow after 2 years and 4 losses and my husband got me a card off the bump (as I did him) and it meant so much to me

devilspawn · 21/12/2024 11:43

My partner would get me sectioned if I asked him for something like that.

I'm guessing you have some kind of serious issue going on that you can't do anything about, like a family member with a terminal illness or some kind of intense seasonal stress, and this is just a displacement.

If not, perhaps think about how this Christmas could have been your eleventh without a baby - and for many people it will be - and what the most important thing actually is here and how it's the nicest problem you could possibly have.

visitbreakfast · 21/12/2024 11:44

I’ve been laid here awake for the best part of two hours being so upset about it. I’ve come to the conclusion that he just doesn’t care about me.

If you are basing that on him buying a card form your baby, when it's not even too late yet, you are being ridiculous.

If there's context missing or a big back story then perhaps not so ridiculous.

HollyKnight · 21/12/2024 11:46

Just remind him. You're just cutting off your nose to spite your face otherwise. You want a card with "mum" on it and you want your husband to show he cares. You'll get neither of those things by staying quiet.

RisingSunn · 21/12/2024 11:47

I really didn’t realise this was a thing.
I could understand if it was Mother’s Day.

That aside congratulations and enjoy your first Christmas together 🎄

CheeseyOnionPie · 21/12/2024 11:49

I totally understand this. It’s not the same if you have to keep reminding him. You want him to be excited that you finally have your baby and it’s Christmas and even though it might seem a little bit silly, it is lovely to see a card from the baby to their mum. I don’t think you’re being unreasonable, you have already mentioned it’s important to you and it would be nice if he cared enough to remember this and make sure it happens. It’s not really a lot to ask for this cute little gesture to be made.

PiperLeo · 21/12/2024 11:56

This would upset me too OP. I really hope he gets you a card.