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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No Christmas card from my baby

528 replies

mumtoababygirl · 21/12/2024 06:01

This year is my first Christmas as a Mum. It took us over a decade to have our baby. I asked my DH back in November if he was going to get me a Christmas card from the baby, he said yes.

I know it’s silly and I know it’s not really from her, but I just would love something that said Mum on it.

He hasn’t got me one.

I’ve been laid here awake for the best part of two hours being so upset about it. I’ve come to the conclusion that he just doesn’t care about me. I’m not asking for a special, custom card from Etsy, just to pop into Tesco (which he passes) on his way home from work. He knows how much I would love it and it would mean to me.

AIBU to be so upset? It’s just a card and not even actually from my baby?

OP posts:
asthecrowdwaschantingmore · 21/12/2024 10:19

Buy a special ornament instead every Christmas for the two of you.

Easipeelerie · 21/12/2024 10:20

On the surface, this seems a bit ridiculous.
But what you’re really saying is, I let my husband know what I would love him to for me at Christmas/it entailed minimum effort, and he didn’t care enough to do it.
If this is the only concern you have about him, I wouldn’t worry. He just might no truely get how important this felt for you. But if he’s not pulling his weight, leaving all the wifework to you/being a generally selfish man child, then you have problems.

katepilar · 21/12/2024 10:21

I am sorry you are feeling rejected. Sounds you are having hard times.

How is your husband generally? Is there resentment building in other areas? Are you finding motherhood tough?

Honestly, a christmas card "from a baby" is fairly ridiculous thing to even think of. Let alone expect it, I am afraid to say. I find the whole Christmas card thing weird anyway if were talking about people from the same household or people who are seeing each other during /around Christmas.

It actually sounds you are experiencing a RSD - Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria. Which basically means one feels rejected and not loved based on reasons that are not objectively suggesting so.

Hope you feel better soon. Seek help for mental health if you need to. Take it easy as you can.

AngelontopoftheTree · 21/12/2024 10:21

BreezyHedgehog · 21/12/2024 10:03

I don't think you're being silly at all. It's important to you, doesn't matter if it's important to him or not- you aren't asking much of him!
I'm the same as you OP, I get my partner a little card from baby and print her hand/foot inside. I know it isn't really from her but I think it's lovely all the same. I would love my partner to do something like that for me, he knows it's something that is important to me - but like you, mine never does. First mother's day after baby I was particularly upset about this. I got told I was being silly, that I'm not his mother so why would he buy me a card.

And do you give your DP their Christmas/ birthday/ Father's day cards 4 days before the event?????

OP asked AIBU? and yes she is, because it's not even Christmas Day yet... and she has no idea what her DP has bought her yet.

Velvian · 21/12/2024 10:22

@mumtoababygirl say to him, " shall we do our Christmas cards to each other tonight?" Put yours including the one that says to Daddy on the mantelpiece or somewhere in view and it gives him time to get something for later.

He may taken your Xmas card idea and done his own thing with it. There may be a 'mummy' gift for you on Xmas day.

MayMumm · 21/12/2024 10:22

Different point of view, I don’t think it is unreasonable. It took me 6 rounds of IVF to have a baby due to male factor infertility. I really thought my husband would have made more effort on Mother’s Day as it was my first but he didn’t. Christmas is not really a big thing in our household so I wasn’t bothered about that. But it was all the time I wasn’t a mother I would be picturing what it would be like ….etc so I kind of understand where you are coming from when you have really struggled to have a baby you have certain expectations that you would like to be filled. Not massive in the grand scheme of things but I think I understand why you feel disappointed. But it’s not Christmas yet and maybe he has a special surprise planned for you.

MayMumm · 21/12/2024 10:25

mumtoababygirl · 21/12/2024 06:53

It means so much to me because I just want to see Mum written on something for me after all these years

Show quote history

I get this 100 percent …..

Inmydreams88 · 21/12/2024 10:29

Why don’t you give him your card now and then see if he gives you one in next few days?

LostInTheMoonlight · 21/12/2024 10:29

I hate cards but I actually agree with what you’re saying OP. It doesn’t matter what it is, based on what you have said, you have told your partner that something it’s very important to you, he has agreed to do it, but then hasn’t. That’s shit.

Nanny0gg · 21/12/2024 10:30

JuliaSmith · 21/12/2024 07:06

I just would love to see a card on the mantelpiece that was for me that said Mum on it.

How shallow.

You know you are a Mum.

Why does a £3 card 'prove it'.

It's not shallow to the OP, it's meaningful

Did you read the part where she said they struggled to become parents?

You did?
And you felt the need to be nasty?

Well Merry Bloody Christmas to you too

ScreamingBeans · 21/12/2024 10:34

Sorry I think it's horribly naff to send cards from babies or cats or dogs or anyone else apart from the person who is sending it.

Probably not very helpful. happy christmas.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 21/12/2024 10:35

I’ve never known people who live in the same household exchange Christmas cards, I thought they were for giving to people who you won’t see on Christmas Day. It seems madness to me to send a card to someone to say ‘Happy Christmas’ if you’re spending Christmas with them!

Anyway regardless, there are still 4 days until Christmas so if receiving a card that you can pretend is from your child is important to you just remind him! He still has time to go out, buy it and teach the baby to sign it before the 25th.

niadainud · 21/12/2024 10:38

As someone who can barely imagine what it would be like to be spending Christmas as a wife and mum (as opposed to spending it on my own as a single and childless woman) can I suggest you focus on what you do have rather than on a card that clearly won't actually be from your baby anyway? I don't mean that to be as harsh as it maybe sounds, but try to focus on the positive.

SavingTheBestTillLast · 21/12/2024 10:39

As we all live in the same house we don’t give each other cards
We send cards to people we don’t see everyday

WaitingforStrike · 21/12/2024 10:42

Say "remember, you've still to get the "mum" card from the baby to me, are you going to the supermarket today?" or something similar

GeneralGinni · 21/12/2024 10:44

I say this gently as someone who has struggled with fertility, please consider seeking support. What you're feeling seems more like a fixation, and it may be helpful to reflect on why you're seeking so much validation in your new role as a parent. As mothers, we normally find fulfilment in looking after our young children, but when that fulfilment relies on external validation, it can signal that something isn't right and you need help.

Please let go of this controlling need to get a card saying "dear mum". I reckon your partner finds this request weird and isn't happy to oblige and he's right. Wait for your dc to be old enough to go to nursery or school and you will get plenty of cards. Please consider what your are expecting carefully and get some therapy. You are not in a role play, this is real life.

ClairDeLaLune · 21/12/2024 10:48

mumtoababygirl · 21/12/2024 06:53

It means so much to me because I just want to see Mum written on something for me after all these years

Show quote history

Tell him this. Sometimes men don’t get it. I get you OP, it took us 4 years, can’t imagine what 10 would’ve been like. My favourite word is Mummy, I thought I would never hear it said to me. Have a wonderful first Christmas as a mum xx

GeneralGinni · 21/12/2024 10:48

And consider the impact on the environment. 2 make believe cards in a household, that's wasteful and unreasonable. It really comes across like you want everyone to act out a role in a play. This is real life, stop insisting on this pretend card and start focusing on the amazing family that you have.

Blabadder · 21/12/2024 10:49

Honestly? Get over it. The baby can’t read or write. In a few years time you’ll be getting homemade cards front your child, those are sweet and have meaning…

ClairDeLaLune · 21/12/2024 10:50

GeneralGinni · 21/12/2024 10:48

And consider the impact on the environment. 2 make believe cards in a household, that's wasteful and unreasonable. It really comes across like you want everyone to act out a role in a play. This is real life, stop insisting on this pretend card and start focusing on the amazing family that you have.

Don’t be such a grinch! Cards are tiny and have a minimal impact on the environment, especially compared to all the other Christmas tat and packaging. And they can be recycled.

Timble · 21/12/2024 10:50

You’re not being unreasonable at all, I was so excited when I became a mum and I don’t care what anyone else thinks I wanted cards with mummy on them. Maybe it’s silly, maybe it’s no big deal but I wanted one. I know you’d like him to do it without you asking but he may just have forgotten and he may be disappointed he forgot. X

oustedbymymate · 21/12/2024 10:51

Nope I agree with you OP it's poor form. Remind him and tell him it's important to you.

babyproblems · 21/12/2024 10:52

There’s still time but to be honest I think you’re overreacting. Is it that you feel he doesn’t appreciate you or recognise what you’re doing?? I can’t really think why else you would pin so much importance on a card. Surely when your child is 5 and makes you a card and it’s genuine etc you would feel such joy - as it’s actually from them.

ClairDeLaLune · 21/12/2024 10:52

ClairDeLaLune · 21/12/2024 10:48

Tell him this. Sometimes men don’t get it. I get you OP, it took us 4 years, can’t imagine what 10 would’ve been like. My favourite word is Mummy, I thought I would never hear it said to me. Have a wonderful first Christmas as a mum xx

Show quote history

To add to this, it was important to me too to get that first card as a mum, and I can’t remember now but I probably had to remind my husband a lot. It’s not that he doesn’t care, he’s just not as sentimental as I am.

Wordau · 21/12/2024 10:56

Is your DP caring and attentive towards you and baby generally?

Is he a good person trying hard? Does he pull his weight?

If yes, I'd try to pick your battles, maybe another mention about it if you think he has forgotten.

If not - well, you've got bigger problems.

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