Are we damaging our son? Anyone else have this set up?

[Hajjj]

Honest opinions please. Separated from ex while pregnant. It was horrendous. Ds is our only child for each of us. Ds is now 2.5, 3 in July.

Essentially, I parent ds in the week as ex works all hours under the sun. He pays me a decent amount and to be fair to him he acknowledges that I am doing ‘unpaid work’ with ds and will often pay for extras for ds. At weekends he takes him out and I often go too. This means that we have what I suppose I would call family days out. As ds has got bigger it is clear he is starting to recognise that we spend time all together and I worry if this will be confusing for him as he gets bigger? Sometimes I will go and do my own thing, it’s generally left up to me, ex doesn’t say what he wants one way or another.

I would like another relationship at some point (I think ex would too but he’s not exactly someone who gets himself out there). We definitely would not get back together. I worry ds is getting the wrong picture of relationships? But on the other hand he clearly enjoys us all being together and his dad putting him to bed at a weekend etc. We’ve not had ds stay over with ex as he lives an hour or so away and we didn’t want to disrupt his feeling of home. This means Ex is often in the house… I don’t mind this, we have got into a routine… but I worry for ds. What if I meet someone, would that upset him? Am I worrying unnecessarily? Are we doing the right thing?

Interested really as most separated parents don’t like each other but we have managed in some way to be nice for DS’s sake.

I think the arrangement is fine for now, especially while your DC is so young, but it wouldn’t work if either of you got a new partner. You would then need your ex to take him for a day/night on the weekend on his own, so nothing to do with you. It would be weird for him to be around the house so much and for the 3 of you to go out as a family often if you had new partners.

I worry ds is getting the wrong picture of relationships?

On the contrary, it sounds like you’re showing him a stable, healthy coparenting relationship. Far better than if you were slagging each other off, and only doing dropoffs at a neutral location etc.

Your son will understand that you aren’t in a romantic relationship. You are coparents. Could you explain it that you aren’t married like some mummies and daddies, but you are friends?

@Ace56 thats what my concern is really, would that be upsetting for ds. I would like to think we would still be able to go out now and then all together even if I had a new partner. But it would obviously be a bit different as another person would be in the mix in general.

If it works out well at the moment that's good. Obviously in the future things might change that's life.

@ThisNiftyTraybake some haven’t been great but generally we get on fine. I wouldn’t say any less than a lot of my married friends actually! (Obviously took some time to get to that point)

I'd say this is perfect! You're still a family, just a separated one, and it will be so lovely for your child to still have that precious family time all together. Important that he sees his parents being respectful and supportive of each other. Very loving and stable I'd say. I wish my parents had been mature enough to do this. Just be careful to try to continue if and when you both get new partners, even if not as frequently or even if it includes new partners, as other he will think your new partner has somehow "got in the way" of family time.

Did you meet online?

How long were you together before you became pregnant?

Yes I think nothing good can come of this.

I think it sounds like a really nice arrangement for a young child. As he gets older i would think about sending him to his dads alone every other weekend. It will be difficult if you have a new relationship whatever happens, i dont think thats a reason to change your current arrangement .

I had something similar with my Ex, though we split when our DD was about five. Over time it became less, and DD didn't find it confusing.

I think it helped DD to see that we were able to do things together even if we weren't able to live together.

I hope, for example, that this meant DD wasn't worried about her parents spending some of the day together to celebrate her graduation. And won't worry about us seeing each other for future life events.

You both sound like sensible loving parents.

I don't think your current set up would damage your son. Yes it's not conventional but what is nowadays? It's better this way then two parents at each others throats with a small child in the middle.

I think it sounds fine. The main thing is that you don’t live together and DS realises that.

Its a positive things that you’re able to be civil to each other and all spend time together for the sake of DS.

Children need to feel loved by their parents, so I’d say you’re doing brilliantly. No point worrying about future relationships until they happen, and you’ll figure things out then.

TBH it feels like a honest workable relationship to me. There can be so much toxicity in break ups but you both don't seem to be carrying anything into this so why should it effect your DS.

Maybe it will cause some issues further down the line if you introduce new relationships but as long as you and your exDH are clear and supportive of each others new relationships then i dont see an issue.

Ive seen first hand what truly wonderful parents can be like without still being in a relationship. It results in very grounded children who have quite a balanced view on relationships and respect.

What's the relevance where they.met?

I split up with my sons dad when he was 5 although we had never lived together. Since then I've been married ( briefly) and in a long term relationship for the last 8 years. He's been with the same woman for last 9 years

We often did days out etc. Even a holiday to new York ( had booked before the split)

My son doesn't seem either confused or upset by it. In fact my ex will be with myself and my partner for Xmas day.Along with DS and his girlfriend

I don’t want to go into the specifics of the break up @ThisNiftyTraybake but it did and does take a lot for me to try to maintain some sort of friendly interaction. It hasn’t been easy but it’s what I wanted for ds and ex has stepped up and makes life as easy as possible for me in other ways so I have tried for us all to move forward

It sounds like two grown ups putting the interests of their son first but if I were looking for potential problems:

• You being the default parent even when ex P is around so ex H is not taking full responsibility and DS doesn’t see daddy as someone who does/can fully care for him
• In future a partner may not be comfortable with you spending regular time with ex - at least that’s an obvious red flag though
• your son is likely to question at some point why if you and his dad can get along you can’t get back together

@Gogogo12345 this is reassuring thank you

@ThisNiftyTraybake we have had a few arguments but as I said they are not like some that my friends tell me about with their husbands. I think it’s within the realm of normal and it’s usually small stuff like a forgotten snack or something petty