Are we damaging our son? Anyone else have this set up?

[Hajjj]

Honest opinions please. Separated from ex while pregnant. It was horrendous. Ds is our only child for each of us. Ds is now 2.5, 3 in July.

Essentially, I parent ds in the week as ex works all hours under the sun. He pays me a decent amount and to be fair to him he acknowledges that I am doing ‘unpaid work’ with ds and will often pay for extras for ds. At weekends he takes him out and I often go too. This means that we have what I suppose I would call family days out. As ds has got bigger it is clear he is starting to recognise that we spend time all together and I worry if this will be confusing for him as he gets bigger? Sometimes I will go and do my own thing, it’s generally left up to me, ex doesn’t say what he wants one way or another.

I would like another relationship at some point (I think ex would too but he’s not exactly someone who gets himself out there). We definitely would not get back together. I worry ds is getting the wrong picture of relationships? But on the other hand he clearly enjoys us all being together and his dad putting him to bed at a weekend etc. We’ve not had ds stay over with ex as he lives an hour or so away and we didn’t want to disrupt his feeling of home. This means Ex is often in the house… I don’t mind this, we have got into a routine… but I worry for ds. What if I meet someone, would that upset him? Am I worrying unnecessarily? Are we doing the right thing?

Interested really as most separated parents don’t like each other but we have managed in some way to be nice for DS’s sake.

I think you’re brilliant. Your wee boy will grow up recognising that his parents can work together in his best interests. I mean this kindly but I also think you are overthinking the potential problems down the line. Nothing is broken so don’t fix it.
Hope it all continues to work well for you.

It sounds like a fantastic arrangement to me. Far better than his parents arguing and getting at each other, that would be far more damaging for him. You are modelling to him how grown ups should behave towards each other and you are putting his interests first.

My friend whose DD is now grown up has a really good relationship with her ex and they would all spend time together. Her DD is the most well adjusted person you can imagine and has a great relationship with both of them.

It actually sounds like a nice set up, one to be proud of and if you continue in this vain, just introduce partners slowly. Agree in advance with your ex that no casual relationships are introduced to child, that you have to have been going out for x months/years before they are introduced to him.

I think it’s great you can spend time together as a three and it’s amicable, but I think this set up would be extremely difficult for you and the kid if you had a new relationship, and that’s in no one’s interests. Far more stable to have your ex have dedicated custody time in his own home with the child and then for the three of you sometimes/regularly also to do stuff together. Even with the best will in the world, it’s really rough to expect a new partner to be able to slot into this kind of set up and feel like they are fully secure and have agency in their lives and ability to build a family life with you and the child, and I think the kid is bound to feel destabilised and upset about the changes that would need to happen in the level of contact and intimacy and control you have with your ex as you created a solid partnership and built a life as a blended family. I would aim to move towards a more clearly intelligible structure that allows for healthy separation long term and requires your ex to take on actual parenting and independent care for his child. That doesn’t mean ditching the doing stuff all together too which is wonderful for the kid, but making it an add on to a base of boundaried supportive and healthy co parenting that is less enmeshed.

I think your child won't be damaged anytime soon, but in the future issues may arise for the two of you.

If I dated someone with such a close relationship with no apparent boundaries with an ex I'd run away, it would be difficult for me to think of being in a relationship where the ex is still in a couple somehow.

However if you are intelligent parents, you will find a way to make things and new habits work out once a new relationship starts for on of you.

Children receive joy from joyful parents , I don't think the issue will be with your child

Sounds like you have an amazing ex. He contributes a lot and seems like a great support. Too bad you won't be getting back, but if you both find another partners just make sure to leave them out of your son's life until you are really really sure you have found the right ones. It is actually damaging to introduce too early someone new in children's life,so my advice stick to this arrangement as long as you can,you will meet someone eventually but for now the most important thing in your lives is your little boy and you are doing good thing here with his development

I don’t think this is bad at all. You are obviously very amicable and if you are both happy spending time together that’s fine. We are amicable with DP ex and while we don’t really do things all together we can all have a chat if we attend something at school together, etc.

You are doing the best for your child. Well done. This is what they need and want and you are both there for him.

Why? What is the relevance of future partners? My Dad divorced his first wife before he met my Mum, and until my sister was a teenager he, his first wife and my sister went out for a "family day" every weekend. My Mum was strongly in support!

Another divorced couple I know just went out for a lovely family meal...to celebrate their 40year old child's birthday.

Once you've had a child, that child is your priority. Not other partners and not any speculative future children.

This sounds like actual effective coparenting and you should be commended for that - it's hard to achieve

While DS is young, go with it - he knows both mum and dad love him very much etc.

As he gets older and is able to understand more, he will see you're two individuals who love him, but not each other.

If you enter another relationship, be honest, but don't let that relationship effect your coparenting.

I think it's good for your son to see his parents being able to co-parent amicably. Far better for him to see that, than parents who argue all the time. All your son knows is that he lives with Mummy, sometimes Daddy comes over to his home and other times you all go out together. He has no understanding of adult relationships, so you both not being romantically involved would bypass him. At the moment this works. As your son gets older, the dynamics can be explained simply if he asks. Equally, if one or both of you start dating again, then yes, the arrangement would need to adapt to the situation. Your ex would need to take your son overnight etc. Keeping a consistent, stable, loving environment, where you both work together for your son's sake, is better for him.

Oreyt · 20/12/2024 15:04

Did you meet online?

How long were you together before you became pregnant?

Yes I think nothing good can come of this

I think you are being very unfair. Not sure what your questions are relevant to what she was asking

The child will grow up realising that Mom and Dad live in separate houses and can still be civil even if they don't want to be together. Sounds like good parenting to me.

I think it’s positive you are making it work but more concerned that you are sole parenting during week with no down time at the weekend. When do you think you will have time to meet anyone new?

nice to see an Ex stepping up financially but if he does get a new partner there could be resentment or conflict and the dynamic change. Ie if you do argue about financials you won’t want to spend time with him. You need to think about your own financial security and consider when you will go back to work.

Exactly the same situation for me. Except my ex is and also was has been verbally and emotionally abusive toward me. I think your situation is fine. As tou child grows older they will realise you're not together. I will say to keep your own time and you boundaries strong too.

My parents split and my dad moved out of the family home when I was 11. My mum's other partner then moved in. They had been seeing each other for years, my parents always had an open relationship.

After a few months lying low, my dad just started visiting the family house, he came more and more regularly eg 3-4 nights or week, kept pitching in, cooking meals, walking the dog, taking part. He always remained pretty constant in my l and brother's lives. I really don't know what my stepdad felt about this - it's never explicitly mentioned. I'm sure there were tensions, but I'm pretty grateful that my mum and dad just put the past behind them and cultivated a new utterly platonic relaxed child sharing arrangement.

And though I'm now 48, this Christmas it'll be my mum, dad, stepdad all together in my mum's country house.

So even with other partners in the mix, it can work. But it takes quite a marked humility and lack of ego and spirit of generosity to your ex. My dad is a good guy, so it was easy for my mum to just keep doing the joint stuff.

I think you are doing a great job. You are putting your child at the centre of the parenting relationship and ensuring his needs are met before yours, which is how it should be.

My ex and I have done the same - if anything, we’ve gone further and nested the children. They live in the family home and my ex has a room here where he stays 3 nights a week while I go to my partner’s. It wouldn’t work for everyone but it works for us. The kids have never thought that we’d get back together, but they do see us parenting consistently and with one voice. We even have Christmas with the kids and our respective partners (and occasionally some or all of their kids from previous relationships if they’re about). It took a while to get to this point but I’m very proud of what we’ve achieved.

Keep doing what you’re doing. From your child’s perspective it’s more important that he sees you coparenting amicably for his benefit than for you to be in a romantic relationship.

You have set a precedent which is going to be difficult to achieve in the future. My DH had a similar set up with his ex. We are still feeling the impact of this 6 years down the line. For the children is was like the break up all over again. Which naturally all they want is their parents together (they split up when youngest was 6 months) and they never lived together.

It's so so difficult to achieve a good blended family or separated family life. All I can say is that if you do change make the change gradually and before anyone else comes on the scene.

@Nanof8

Yes but that will not last. It can't.

Why can't it?

I dont believe this is something you need to worry about, as long as you are prepared to provide simple, straightforward, age-appropriate answers to any questions you son might have as he grows. No need to answer questions he doesn’t have - the emotional complexity of adult relationships is a long way from being something he understands (or cares about!)

eg. “Why doesn’t daddy live with us?” “Because we are happier not living together. Not all mummy’s and daddy’s live together”. “Don’t you love daddy?” “Daddy and I care about each other, and we both love you”. “Will daddy live with us one day?” “No, we are happier not living together, but he will always be your daddy and we will both always love you and be here for you.” You get the picture…

I have always co-parented with my ex the way you are doing it. This has caused our teen DC zero confusion and no issues. DC doesn't remember a time when we lived together. DC know that we are a team when it comes to her, that we share information, that she can’t play us off against each other and that we both participate in her life as fully as possible and in as joined up a way as possible (joint parents evening appointments, both attend and facilitate extra curricular activities, both present on her birthday etc).

I hope we have shown DC that she is our priority, and that we will both put our own issues aside to support her. I believe that is a powerful message to send. We have both been in other relationships during her life, and the pattern of contact etc has shifted as and when appropriate. New partners have accepted that we have an amicable co-parenting relationship. For myself at least, I would not have tolerated being with someone who wasn’t able to manage their own feelings about our set-up in at least as grown up a manner as her dad and I manage our feelings. That’s not for everyone, and I’m ok with that.

When she was little my ex and I did days out/weekend activities together fairly regularly. He also spent quite a bit of time in and out of my house as he didn’t have a suitable place for her to stay. Now he does, and she is older, we don’t often spend time as a three unless it is for a ‘her-related’ activity.

The whole thing has become easier as time has gone on, and I feel we did pretty well by her. No regrets.

Why can't it last?
My ex and I have always been civil to one another, attending the childrens functions together and now we attend our grandchildrens functions.

Children are often distressed by conflict between their parents, even after divorce. Many parents recognise this by having eg a family meal occasionally. Sounds like a really good arrangement to me, much better than parents who don’t talk &/or try to put a new partner in the other parent’s place.

I do think it may be time and that he is old enough to perhaps start some sleepovers at Daddy's house. Daddy can collect him or if you both drive you could do a half way drop but time to show where Daddy lives too. It is easier to do this younger than older.

And this is helpful how exactly?

I had this set up but I found it confusing myself because I wanted to get back together and dh spending time with us as a family was upsetting because I knew it wasn’t ‘real’. Dd found it confusing because she thought splitting up meant a big change but nothing had really changed apart from us living in different houses.
I knew I’d be crushed once he found someone else so I had to properly let go and stop getting involved in his time with dd.