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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Are we damaging our son? Anyone else have this set up?

101 replies

Hajjj · 20/12/2024 14:51

Honest opinions please. Separated from ex while pregnant. It was horrendous. Ds is our only child for each of us. Ds is now 2.5, 3 in July.

Essentially, I parent ds in the week as ex works all hours under the sun. He pays me a decent amount and to be fair to him he acknowledges that I am doing ‘unpaid work’ with ds and will often pay for extras for ds. At weekends he takes him out and I often go too. This means that we have what I suppose I would call family days out. As ds has got bigger it is clear he is starting to recognise that we spend time all together and I worry if this will be confusing for him as he gets bigger? Sometimes I will go and do my own thing, it’s generally left up to me, ex doesn’t say what he wants one way or another.

I would like another relationship at some point (I think ex would too but he’s not exactly someone who gets himself out there). We definitely would not get back together. I worry ds is getting the wrong picture of relationships? But on the other hand he clearly enjoys us all being together and his dad putting him to bed at a weekend etc. We’ve not had ds stay over with ex as he lives an hour or so away and we didn’t want to disrupt his feeling of home. This means Ex is often in the house… I don’t mind this, we have got into a routine… but I worry for ds. What if I meet someone, would that upset him? Am I worrying unnecessarily? Are we doing the right thing?

Interested really as most separated parents don’t like each other but we have managed in some way to be nice for DS’s sake.

OP posts:
Shouldnellly · 20/12/2024 15:54

Interested really as most separated parents don’t like each other but we have managed in some way to be nice for DS’s sake.

not sure this is true! I spend a lot of time with my ex and child as a ‘family’ and she loves it. If anything it models a respectful relationship more - just because we don’t love each other romantically anymore doesn’t mean we’re not both good humans and good parents.

I think the bigger issue is his dad isn’t really being a dad. Seeing him for days out is more the role of an ‘uncle’ or something. At some point he will wonder why his dad doesn’t want to ‘live’ with him. Can he not move closer somewhat so he can go and stay there too?

Shouldnellly · 20/12/2024 15:56

I would like to think we would still be able to go out now and then all together even if I had a new partner

yes of course you can. You’re both her parents till the end of time and there’s nothing wrong with parents parenting together. If any partner thought there was bin them!

catlesslady · 20/12/2024 15:59

I have a friend who separated from her DH when their DC were very young. The Dad worked very long hours and often travelled for work so the DC lived with Mum but Dad visited at weekends etc. They managed to remain on very good terms so often spent time together as a family. Over time both met new partners and the time together gradually and naturally reduced and the DC started to spend more time alone with their Dad. They were always very open about their friendship and as far as I know it's not been a problem for their new partners (in fact, it's made things easier as they've both been willing to be flexible about contact times etc). They and their new partners all get on well so have been able to all get together for the DC birthdays etc (including Dad's children with his new partner). The DC are now young adults, don't appear to have ever been confused by the arrangement and don't seem to have any of the stress/guilt about which parent they are spending holidays etc with that some people have when their parents are not together.

Hankunamatata · 20/12/2024 16:00

I think says out are fine but perhaps ita time to create a bedroom at dads house so dc can stay perhaps a night every couple weeks to start with.

Elizo · 20/12/2024 16:02

Hajjj · 20/12/2024 14:51

Honest opinions please. Separated from ex while pregnant. It was horrendous. Ds is our only child for each of us. Ds is now 2.5, 3 in July.

Essentially, I parent ds in the week as ex works all hours under the sun. He pays me a decent amount and to be fair to him he acknowledges that I am doing ‘unpaid work’ with ds and will often pay for extras for ds. At weekends he takes him out and I often go too. This means that we have what I suppose I would call family days out. As ds has got bigger it is clear he is starting to recognise that we spend time all together and I worry if this will be confusing for him as he gets bigger? Sometimes I will go and do my own thing, it’s generally left up to me, ex doesn’t say what he wants one way or another.

I would like another relationship at some point (I think ex would too but he’s not exactly someone who gets himself out there). We definitely would not get back together. I worry ds is getting the wrong picture of relationships? But on the other hand he clearly enjoys us all being together and his dad putting him to bed at a weekend etc. We’ve not had ds stay over with ex as he lives an hour or so away and we didn’t want to disrupt his feeling of home. This means Ex is often in the house… I don’t mind this, we have got into a routine… but I worry for ds. What if I meet someone, would that upset him? Am I worrying unnecessarily? Are we doing the right thing?

Interested really as most separated parents don’t like each other but we have managed in some way to be nice for DS’s sake.

We did similar. DS did ask questions and maybe felt a little confused for a bit, but overall it is a huge benefit to have amicable parents. One thing though - I feel it really stood in the way of me meetings someone, because we stayed enmeshed. If you want to meet someone worth drawing a clearer line.

Elizo · 20/12/2024 16:03

catlesslady · 20/12/2024 15:59

I have a friend who separated from her DH when their DC were very young. The Dad worked very long hours and often travelled for work so the DC lived with Mum but Dad visited at weekends etc. They managed to remain on very good terms so often spent time together as a family. Over time both met new partners and the time together gradually and naturally reduced and the DC started to spend more time alone with their Dad. They were always very open about their friendship and as far as I know it's not been a problem for their new partners (in fact, it's made things easier as they've both been willing to be flexible about contact times etc). They and their new partners all get on well so have been able to all get together for the DC birthdays etc (including Dad's children with his new partner). The DC are now young adults, don't appear to have ever been confused by the arrangement and don't seem to have any of the stress/guilt about which parent they are spending holidays etc with that some people have when their parents are not together.

there you go!

Balancedcitizen101 · 20/12/2024 16:07

Glad the separation is not too negative or having a bad effect on your child. Look for a new partner if you want and think the dynamic would be ok with an addition (it probably would). Wait a few years if it will be far too much to understand for your child. Don't base decisions around moaning ex (if applicable).

Chocbuttonsandredwine · 20/12/2024 16:11

It will be the “norm” for him, and sounds like he is having a great upbringing… far better than having you together and at each others throats.

in the future it may evolve/change but that’s life… none of us know what the future holds

HPandthelastwish · 20/12/2024 16:11

It sounds fine children assume however their family is to be the norm until they go to school and it certainly won't damage him, it is probably good due to DS young age, as he gets older you stepping back is the way I would go.

And I'd probably start when he turns 3 " oh no, mummy can't come today as I have to do shopping / cleaning. You and daddy are going to have a great day doing X, I can't wait to see the photos / for you to tell me all about it" make what you need to do something terribly boring he won't want to do.

Its the age he'll start spending more time with other care givers other than you and has some understanding.

You, having time to yourself is also important, whether you use that time to catch up on sleep, clean or decorate the house, go to a regular fitness class. Personally I had driving lessons and then an OU degree using my child free day to write my assignments.

I wouldn't be keen on every weekend either once he starts at a structure nursery / school. Personally we do one day each at DDs suggestion as she didn't like EOW, so I have Saturday and she goes to dad on Sunday.

biscuitandcake · 20/12/2024 16:11

It sounds fine but - what is going to happen in the future. For example, when DS starts going to school? Presumably at that point, you would probably start to think about going back to work. Not saying you should (that's a loaded word) but realistically, your ex might feel differently about paying for all expenses at that point (he should totally still pay to support his son) and you might well want to get that part of your life back. At that point, presumably, you might then want to spend more time with your son at weekends, spend alone time with your son at weekends since you aren't seeing him during school hours. So you might want to switch to sharing weekends with your partner. That could all be fine - but it could leave the potential for your ex to feel you were happy to use him for money when the child was too small for school but now want to restrict the time you both spend with him. This is a change lots of people in couples also negotiate - how the SAHMs role changes once the child is back in school. But its much more complicated because you are seperated. Likewise you or him might want to change the arrangement if either of you gets a new partner - would you be happy with him changing the arrangement (especially if your child is then in school all week so you arent getting as much quality time except the weekends). Would he?

None of those shifts have to lead to a huge issue or arguments, but they have the potential to so maybe you and him need to discuss how you see the long term panning out to avoid anyone feeling taken advantage of?

Chocolatesnowman2 · 20/12/2024 16:18

I'd of loved that so much as a child
Instead they both married again,and I didn't fit in either family.
It sounds perfect to me ..well apart from actually being a couple ofcourse

Floralnomad · 20/12/2024 16:23

The only issue with the arrangement is if your son is under the misapprehension that you are still together or will be in the future. Frankly it would probably be better if you at least started to get in the habit of him staying at his dad’s on a weekend without you . The other thing to consider is moving forward do you want his dad to have him every weekend as once he’s at school that leaves you with all the grunt work and him with the fun bits .

Beastiesandthebeauty · 20/12/2024 16:29

Personally I think it is a beautiful situation especially if the vibes are relaxed, but considering you will meet someone at some point you might want to think about reducing it to something manageable long term ( when you meet someone )

Foreigners88 · 20/12/2024 16:35

Oreyt · 20/12/2024 15:04

Did you meet online?

How long were you together before you became pregnant?

Yes I think nothing good can come of this.

what is the point in these random questions. All the marriages I know of ( Eu and British ) here are online meetups. 13 years together and until death do us part. How fast did we get pregnant. As fast as we could because we both were above 35

Foreigners88 · 20/12/2024 16:38

as long there is not shouting and conflict and slagging off, the child can get used to it. Something like many of us who grew up with our grandparents for ages before going to primary school while our parents worked and enjoyed their younger years; also in my other country the summer holidays are 3.5 months and the kids spend it in the grandparents houses

Hwi · 20/12/2024 16:39

I think you know the answer yourself.

Jellycatspyjamas · 20/12/2024 16:44

It sounds good. I have a similar arrangement with my kids dad. We do birthdays and Christmas together but they split their time 50/50 between their dad and I, we live 10 minutes away from each other so it’s easy for them to move between their dad two houses.

It’s good for them to see their dad and I are friendly and can do things together with them without bad feeling or drama.

MrsCarson · 20/12/2024 16:49

It sounds like a good short term solution.
Once you have a new partner what then?
Are you going to still have ex have Ds every weekend? What about when Ds is in school all week you won't see him and only get the drudge work of pick ups drop offs and homework.
Doesn't ex ever get Ds alone? Or overnight?

Anuta77 · 20/12/2024 17:01

I don't think you are damaging him, but if there's a new partner, the expectations should be adjusted and explained to him somehow.

My partner had a sort of similar relaitonship with his ex. He didn't believe in shared custody, so he was just visiting his children at the ex's house and would take them every other weekend. The ex however did have expectations that were not romantic but above parenting. She would call him her family, her best friend, tell him every problem she had, etc. and at the beginning, I was fine with her. However, at the first friction that me and her had, she started badmouthing me to my partner to keep her standing with him, I would get upset and not react well towards her. She would involve her sons in her issues too, one of them would get mixed up. Me and him didn't talk for over 2 years. He would want his mother to be invited to our activities as a grown up teenager despite me not wanting it (because I felt disrespected), so he did have an unrealistic expectations of the setup and couldn't understand why this is not necessary.

Of course, the ex had an unhealthy emotional attachment to my partner and he let her. I don't think it was good for her children as it made things very ackward.

Now, I do know families who make it work. It takes a lot of respect and communication and boundaries. If both you, your future partner and your ex all believe that it's a good setup and make efforts to make it work, that would be the best for your child. I personally believe that exes need to have boundaries in order not to make things confusing for kids and set them up for dissapointments.

You can also post in the Stepparenting board to see if more people can share their experiences.

Startinganew32 · 20/12/2024 17:03

It just sounds a bit one sided and I get a sense that he treated you very badly and now you grin and bear it and pretend to be his friend. That’s not healthy for you and in turn not great for your child.

Ohhmydays · 20/12/2024 17:15

JellycatEgg · 20/12/2024 15:00

I worry ds is getting the wrong picture of relationships?

On the contrary, it sounds like you’re showing him a stable, healthy coparenting relationship. Far better than if you were slagging each other off, and only doing dropoffs at a neutral location etc.

Your son will understand that you aren’t in a romantic relationship. You are coparents. Could you explain it that you aren’t married like some mummies and daddies, but you are friends?

This. I have a friend who’s parents split when she was a baby. They also had son together. Done pretty much exactly what use do except her dad only lived a few streets away so she spent weekend nights at his house, done family stuff during the day. Both parents did meet new partners and remarried and always had x-mas/ birthdays with everyone there. They even used to go abroad as a group once a year and if i remember correctly they even went to each other’s weddings. Both children turned out lovely well adjusted adults. I think it all depends on your situation of why use split in the first place ie use grew apart amicably or cheating/dv

Auntieoftheyear · 20/12/2024 17:16

I think it's great. My parents separated when I was a teenager but we continued celebrating Christmas and birthdays together, we'd have family dinners etc and it meant the world to us

scotstars · 20/12/2024 17:35

I had a similar set up with ex dp - you are showing your child you can co parent without a relationship and that is healthy. Things will progress naturally I dont go along as often now maybe have lunch or an occasional day out - once my child got to about 5 they started staying over with their dad plus I felt i was stil often the default parent it was time for some time to myself!
My parents divorced when I was about 7 - they were going on holidays together when I was in my 20s (and taking my half sibling after mums new partner passed away) maybe that's why I don't find it odd!

Oreyt · 20/12/2024 17:45

@Foreigners88

They only person i know who met their husband online is my mum.

Beginningtolookalot · 20/12/2024 17:54

It sounds like you are doing a great job . I think if you are honest with your son as he grows up it won’t be a problem . I wouldn’t spend time worrying about something that hadn’t happened yet . Hopefully you will meet someone who is right for you and who will 100% get how you want to parent .. if they don’t then the probably aren’t the right one