Are we damaging our son? Anyone else have this set up?

[Hajjj]

Honest opinions please. Separated from ex while pregnant. It was horrendous. Ds is our only child for each of us. Ds is now 2.5, 3 in July.

Essentially, I parent ds in the week as ex works all hours under the sun. He pays me a decent amount and to be fair to him he acknowledges that I am doing ‘unpaid work’ with ds and will often pay for extras for ds. At weekends he takes him out and I often go too. This means that we have what I suppose I would call family days out. As ds has got bigger it is clear he is starting to recognise that we spend time all together and I worry if this will be confusing for him as he gets bigger? Sometimes I will go and do my own thing, it’s generally left up to me, ex doesn’t say what he wants one way or another.

I would like another relationship at some point (I think ex would too but he’s not exactly someone who gets himself out there). We definitely would not get back together. I worry ds is getting the wrong picture of relationships? But on the other hand he clearly enjoys us all being together and his dad putting him to bed at a weekend etc. We’ve not had ds stay over with ex as he lives an hour or so away and we didn’t want to disrupt his feeling of home. This means Ex is often in the house… I don’t mind this, we have got into a routine… but I worry for ds. What if I meet someone, would that upset him? Am I worrying unnecessarily? Are we doing the right thing?

Interested really as most separated parents don’t like each other but we have managed in some way to be nice for DS’s sake.

Horrific together can be fine apart.

But I think being left when pregnant would be horrific for anybody.

I have lovely memories of occasional days out with both parents for several years after they had split.

Children have no innate sense of what is "normal" and just know what their own family does.

Hmmm. Not sure because it sounds a bit enforced. I don’t think you are great friends if you had a horrific breakup and it took a lot for you to be able to spend time with him. Was he abusive at all?
I think there’s a risk that your DS will grow up realising it was fake. If you are not together you don’t need to spend the time together on days out. Your child doesn’t need time with you both together because you’re not together. I think it’s good if exes can be in the same room and stuff but I think going on day trips takes it too far. Especially since it’s inevitable that one or both of them will get a new partner and then it will stop and then what will the child think? I’d gradually reduce them and just limit it to friendly chat at drop off.

It does sound like a nice mature way to co parent BUT it will certainly change when eithe rof you gets into a new realtionship and THAT might be a bit confusing and/or damaging for your son.
However, if you deal with it all as well as you have to date it should be ok

How would a man not wanting his partner to be around her ex all the time be a 'red flag?'

It sounds like it’s worked out well for all of you. Your DS knows that his father lives in a different house. He gets to spend time with both of you. I don’t think you’re confusing him.

It would probably be best for your DS if you start taking little steps towards him staying at his father’s overnight. That’s something to work towards. Also have a think about how you’ll handle the financial side as your DS grows up. It’ll be much easier to make changes at your own pace and be able to discuss what’s best for your DS between the two of you.

I know that you don’t think it’s likely to happen soon but one day your ex will have a new partner. They’re unlikely to want to spend their weekends with you and your DS and more importantly your DS’ father is unlikely to want to keep doing that. If you end up living with a new partner, even if they are happy to have your ex around, your ex might not enjoy sharing his time with his son with a man who sees more of him.

If you can get into the habit now of your DS spending a night at his father’s house on a routine basis, then your DS will have a bedroom in that home and a ring fenced place in his father’s weekend schedule whatever happens in the future with new partners. It doesn’t mean you need to stop doing things as a trio, just that a part of the weekend will be just the two of them.

I don't think it's damaging at all.

It will be easy to explain you couldn't live together and won't ever be doing that, but you're both still his parents and he's the much loved child of each of you, that even though you no longer wish to live together you still respect each other as parents and enjoy activities together with DS.

You're actually showing him a good model of adulting imo.

Things may change if one or both of you find a new partner or have another child. Cross that bridge when you come to it.

It sounds to me like you’re making the best of your situation. As he grows, your son will understand you’re not together but you parent together. Far better than if the relationship was frosty between you.

I have a friend whose ex will not speak to her and communicates only via text. If he’s trying to fuck up his young kids, he’s making a good job of it.

Why wouldn’t it work?

my mum and dad had the most amicable divorce and we often went out on days out for years and years even when they both got remarried 🤷‍♀️

I dusagree

my mum and dad divorced and they stayed good friends even when they got remarried and it was never a problem for anyone involved. I knew my parents weren’t together and it was perfect. Infact people are often wishing their parents did the same.

I was so blessed and their divorce didn’t effect me one bit

I think it's lovely that you're both able to do this for you son

So irrelevant.

That's how my DD was parented. Her dad and I may have had our differences but we tried to present a united front when it came to bringing her up. Things like birthdays, for example, she wanted to spend with both her parents so the three of us would have a day out. We continued even with new partners on the scene. It's only as complicated as you make it, kids are quite adaptable and accepting.
DD is 30 now and we still occasionally have a "family" day out 😊

I think it's fine. It's not like you're breaking up and getting back together all the time which would actually be confusing. If you both had new partners you might have to reconfigure a bit but for now I wouldn't worry.

I would slowly be cutting out the family days out.

What happens one day when one of you gets a partner and after years of this being his routine it’s suddenly cut and changed.

he’s young enough currently for it not to have effect. Next time your ex is taking him just say Mummy had to go do XYZ, you’re going to spend the day with Daddy.

You two being friendly is great but there’s blurred lines currently and it will only bite you on the bum when either of you gets a new partner or have more children.

I think it sounds brilliant if it's not putting too much strain on you both to maintain it. I think the only thing would be if one of you did meet someone else, they wouldn't probably want to just come and live with all of you. The only thing I guess would be if another partner came into the picture for one of you and they didn't want to join in "family time" or for their partner to have "family time" with their ex? Would your son then think something had gone very wrong because "family time" had stopped.

Thanks all! Think I needed a bit of confidence we were doing the best in the circumstances

Reading your posts I get the impression your ex is not a nice person but can provide financially so long as it is all on his terms.

I presume you claim benefits too. Excuse me if this is incorrect.

Sounds like you are trapped between getting substantial financial support from your ex so long as you play happily families and he gets to shirk off all the real financial and responsibilities of having a child because you also claim benefits.

This is an anonymous forum. Be honest. What are the true issues here?

I think it's great that you can have days out together and both take care of your child.
I do think that it would be good for your ex to start taking him overnight sometimes though so that if either of you do meet someone else then the change is not such a shock to your child.

It sounds ideal for now, although will be tricky if either of you gets a new partner.

My sisters bf is very close to his daughter and get on very well with his ex partner. The 3 of them have many days out and spend loads of time together which in a way is nice but it is giving mixed messages to their kid who is now 9. She is very resentful and jealous of my sister and I honestly thinks she sees her as the reason her mum and dad aren't together. She's not the reason at all, they've been split up for years but she likes her family days and gets cross when anything spoils that for her.

100% agree with this. I actually think this is an incredibly healthy relationship for your son to see. You're doing a great job OP.

Every child who grows up in a (non-abusive) household thinks their family is just normal, because it's what defines normality for them.

They go to friends' houses and notice that a few things are different, but for many years, perhaps until adulthood, they will see the others as atypical, not their own parents.

it takes quite a lot of emotional maturity to work out things like the difference in your friends' parents' relationship to each other. Plus, your DS will not be the only one in his friendship group with a non-classical-nuclear family.

So don't worry about it — you're doing the best you can and your DS will be fine.

One of my friends is separated from her ex, since their little boy was a baby. They have 50/50 custody and have a family meal together every Sunday at whoever's house he's at, as well as Christmas and other festive meals together. I think it's really lovely. They completely respect each other's parenting and their little boy is very comfortable with his two homes and the rules that apply in each one. He's 7 now.

It's perfect enjoy it and let him enjoy it whilst it's there and he is the center of your worlds.

Let him have that before you or dad being new people and new dc in. Enjoy!!