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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset by MIL's comments

106 replies

HowF3stive · 20/12/2024 13:16

Not sure if I'm being over sensitive but I feel hurt and it's given me a bit of a complex!

At a family dinner and she makes comments about what a big eater I am and how I eat as much as the men do. This isn't the first time it's been said.

For context I'm petite, normal weight, and don't feel as though I under or over eat. But I have struggled with disordered eating in the past. I'm in a good place now so I tend to eat slower which perhaps makes it appear as though I've eaten more than I have. She is on a very restrictive calorie cutting fad diet over the past few months and barely eats - it's mostly alcohol and crisps. I tend to skip that in favour of more filling choices but have never criticised her choices.

Now I'm sat here second guessing my portions and wondering if I should cut back and here comes that restrictive mindset again. Feels like her boys can do no wrong but there is always something to nitpick when it comes to me.

Dreading going there for Christmas now and already worrying if I'll be seen as eating too much 😔

OP posts:
MidnightPatrol · 20/12/2024 13:18

“Did you mean to be so rude? Please don’t comment on portion sizes, I am trying to foster a healthy attitude towards food in my family”

Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 20/12/2024 13:20

That would make me go have seconds.

Agree with her. Big smile and yes I do love my food. It's great.

Whattochoose1 · 20/12/2024 13:20

I think you're maybe overthinking - I'm a big eater (hollow legs my Gran used to say) and it's an ongoing joke that I eat A LOT with my in-laws, all of who are bigger than me.
My big feet are also cause for piss taking too 🤣

Germanjio · 20/12/2024 13:21

‘Honestly Jean, can we talk about something more interesting?’

If that doesn’t work, move on to ‘it’s a bit weird how obsessed you are with what’s on my plate’

vibratosprigato · 20/12/2024 13:21

Whenever my mum makes a comment like this (a rude one 😂) I ask her if it's a compliment or a criticism.

I imagine she's focused on food generally because of her diet and rather than wanting to draw attention to how much you're eating, she probably wants people to notice how little she's eating.

Borninabarn32 · 20/12/2024 13:22

"Well I'm a healthy weight so I must be doing something right."

MereDintofPandiculation · 20/12/2024 13:25

"I'm so lucky I can maintain a healthy weight without watching every calorie"

"I've never been in the habit of gobbling my food which is why I'm always the last one to finish".

dragonfliesandbees · 20/12/2024 13:25

vibratosprigato · 20/12/2024 13:21

Whenever my mum makes a comment like this (a rude one 😂) I ask her if it's a compliment or a criticism.

I imagine she's focused on food generally because of her diet and rather than wanting to draw attention to how much you're eating, she probably wants people to notice how little she's eating.

Absolutely this! It's about her, not you.

You are not being oversensitive, she is rude. Lots of good suggestions from others about ways to approach this and, hopefully, get her to stop with the unnecessary comments.

MBL · 20/12/2024 13:26

She doesn't mean to be mean. My mum does this. I'm slimish and don't really eat between meals but a full plate plus pudding if available. My mum is always on a diet and overweight. She believes her weight gain is her slow metabolism and not the amount she eats. I expect your mil is the same. They have disordered eating and funny ideas about food and weight loss. Just brush it off, smile and have an extra potato!

Original poster
HowF3stive · 20/12/2024 13:28

Borninabarn32 · 20/12/2024 13:22

"Well I'm a healthy weight so I must be doing something right."

How much I wish I had said this.

OP posts:
stripypanda100 · 20/12/2024 13:30

@HowF3stive
It sounds like a MIL problem...
I would smile pop another mouthful in and say yes it's great isn't it that i can eat what i like and still stay as trim as i do
Thanks for noticing my food intake

KeeKees · 20/12/2024 13:31

Why would you cut back when you're a perfectly healthy weight?

Next time she says it just say yeah I'm so lucky aren't I.

Original poster
HowF3stive · 20/12/2024 13:31

I was also not feeling great yesterday so had barely eaten during the day, therefore just intuitively ate what I needed for dinner without worrying about it.

I just hate how the woman gets these comments, but men can eat until they are about to burst and that's seen as acceptable. But then her children can do no wrong (all boys) and everything I do is wrong so perhaps it's a her issue.

I just don't want the thoughts of restriction to rear their ugly head again.

OP posts:
romdowa · 20/12/2024 13:31

Unless your sat on her face or she's paying for the food you eat then your food consumption and weight are none of her business. You may not be brace enough to say that though😅😅 so I'd just tell her that you understand how hard it is for her that she has to watch every bite but you're just lucky that you don't.

Original poster
HowF3stive · 20/12/2024 13:32

KeeKees · 20/12/2024 13:31

Why would you cut back when you're a perfectly healthy weight?

Next time she says it just say yeah I'm so lucky aren't I.

Logically I know that's silly, but she's made me feel a greedy fat cow I guess

OP posts:
Original poster
HowF3stive · 20/12/2024 13:33

romdowa · 20/12/2024 13:31

Unless your sat on her face or she's paying for the food you eat then your food consumption and weight are none of her business. You may not be brace enough to say that though😅😅 so I'd just tell her that you understand how hard it is for her that she has to watch every bite but you're just lucky that you don't.

You're right I think that's my issue, why does she care how much I eat, I rarely notice how much anyone else eats unless they make a point of pointing it out to me.

OP posts:
LittleBitAlexisLaLaLaLaLa · 20/12/2024 13:34

Are you in a relationship with my ex? Because your rude boot of a MIL sounds exactly like his mother, right down to the diet of booze and crisps. If you are, lumbered with that family of misfits I strongly recommend you ditch him and them- doesn’t get any better…

Easier said than done, especially as you have a history of disordered eating but please don’t let this woman’s comments get to you. Enjoy your food and ignore those stupid digs (and they are digs).

romdowa · 20/12/2024 13:35

HowF3stive · 20/12/2024 13:33

You're right I think that's my issue, why does she care how much I eat, I rarely notice how much anyone else eats unless they make a point of pointing it out to me.

Show quote history

Some people are just weight obsessed, I've even Met people who I'd consider fatphobic. It's definitely a them problem .

crumblingschools · 20/12/2024 13:36

I am sure over Christmas I will be hearing how slim everyone else in the family is. Admittedly I have put on weight particularly this year, but the last few months have been horrendously stressful and I comfort eat, whereas they tend to lose weight when stressed.

ShortyShorts · 20/12/2024 13:37

HowF3stive · 20/12/2024 13:31

I was also not feeling great yesterday so had barely eaten during the day, therefore just intuitively ate what I needed for dinner without worrying about it.

I just hate how the woman gets these comments, but men can eat until they are about to burst and that's seen as acceptable. But then her children can do no wrong (all boys) and everything I do is wrong so perhaps it's a her issue.

I just don't want the thoughts of restriction to rear their ugly head again.

I just don't want the thoughts of restriction to rear their ugly head again.

But it already has, hasn't it?

Unless you're brand new to Mumsnet, you'll know exactly what answers you'll get on this thread.

You've got a few choices.

  1. Ignore her.
  2. Confront her.
  3. Get your husband to have a word.

There's nothing else you can really do apart from go NC I suppose.

caramac04 · 20/12/2024 13:38

I hate people commenting on my eating. I’m a fast eater but don’t have massive portions
When people say “Gosh you must have been hungry the way you gobbled that up” is annoying and embarrassing in equal measure.

TwinklyAmberOrca · 20/12/2024 13:41

My MIL does this to me.

I'm almost 5'11 and a size 10 and she often comments on how much I eat. I just ignore her and eat what I want - I tend to eat when I'm hungry and if it's good food I'll eat as much as I want/need, then usually don't bother eating again later as I'm still full.

She makes a point of having small portions, then I always spot her later with biscuits in her hand or eating something. She is barrel shaped and VERY over weight.

Just ignore your MIL or say something baffling like "The longer the shelf life, the shorter your life". Enjoy the food!

Christmaslover1986 · 20/12/2024 13:41

OP I think you need to remember that she’s not commenting on your food portions because of you or the way you look, she’s commenting because she is hyper focused on food and weight must consume her mind. I would try and remind yourself that you’ve now got a great relationship with food, and it is awfully sad MIL is struggling with hers.

If it has upset you a lot I would either say “Yes I love my food, food is fuel” or “please don’t comment on my portions” I would also maybe just ask DH to remind MIL not to comment on what I eat

bigkidatheart · 20/12/2024 13:43

@HowF3stive love that - it's mostly alcohol and crisps. Agree with PP, it's about her not you. It's comments like this that will start an eating disorder in some people

If you don't want to address it directly get your DH to have a quiet word and tell her its triggering when she keeps bringing up portion sizes and she is making you paranoid.

Otherwise, i think there are some good suggestions above.

Hope you enjoy your Christmas.

Chocolately · 20/12/2024 13:43

She's jealous. Just do what you're doing and smile at her. Or, say "still on your diet, Jean? What a shame, never mind"...
😁