To be upset by MIL's comments

[HowF3stive]

Not sure if I'm being over sensitive but I feel hurt and it's given me a bit of a complex!

At a family dinner and she makes comments about what a big eater I am and how I eat as much as the men do. This isn't the first time it's been said.

For context I'm petite, normal weight, and don't feel as though I under or over eat. But I have struggled with disordered eating in the past. I'm in a good place now so I tend to eat slower which perhaps makes it appear as though I've eaten more than I have. She is on a very restrictive calorie cutting fad diet over the past few months and barely eats - it's mostly alcohol and crisps. I tend to skip that in favour of more filling choices but have never criticised her choices.

Now I'm sat here second guessing my portions and wondering if I should cut back and here comes that restrictive mindset again. Feels like her boys can do no wrong but there is always something to nitpick when it comes to me.

Dreading going there for Christmas now and already worrying if I'll be seen as eating too much 😔

Does your Dh know about the restrictive eating? If so, why the heck hasn’t he told her to shut up? Shut her down, don’t let her continue with this nonsense.

We’ve all known women like this. She’ll then become the victim “oh I was only saying, no need to be so sensitive. Can I not make a comment now”

"Yes, I was hungry and it was delicious, thanks (whoever cooked)!"

Could you consider asking DH to step in if she comments, eg "Mum, it's Christmas, we're all here to eat!" in a light-hearted tone so the focus immediately shifts off you?
I know what it's like to have disordered eating and food hangups. But if it helps, if I was at a Christmas (or any!) meal and someone pointed out how much another guest was eating, I think most people's attention would be on the rudeness and strangeness of the comments, not inspecting the other person's plate.

Thank you all. I did mention it to my other half, he was supportive and said I hadn't over ate etc. but there is a lot of 'she doesn't think before she speaks' too and that it's not 'intentional' - she is jokingly called the princess because she can be quite high maintenance etc. so I know it will never change

Do not give her comments any thought. My daughter also was anorexic but is in an okay place at the moment, it never really leaves you and these sort of comments make me mad, she has no idea the harm that these thoughtless comments can do, and believe me they are just thoughtless and she has no understanding. Do not under any circumstances restrict your food, you are healthy and need nutrition for healthy mind and body, you do not need layers of unhappy thoughts that you need to analyse. You have come a long way keep healthy, strong and mentally safe. Love to you.

'Yes, I have a healthy appetite rather than filling myself with empty calories like alcohol and crisps.'

Not anything to be upset over. She said something clumsy and potentially rude to you but also potentially she was just comparing out loud what she eats.

Being upset and hurt by a comment like this isn’t healthy. ‘Resilience is important’.

@HowF3stive

"I'm so lucky I can maintain a healthy weight without watching every calorie" "And I certainly don't have a weird obsession with what anyone else is eating"

Or hint about a mysterious bearded figure that only comes by once a year. Hmm I wonder who that could possibly be??!!

mines like this a bit, would always look at my plate or watch me if i took seconds (after everyone else did and she offered ). i’m not big at all but she definitely has issues around food. I just don’t go there much for dinner etc now and decline all biscuits etc. Her food is weird anyway so I don’t need much excuse to avoid. Think it annoys her when i don’t take ‘extra’ on offer but im not gonna fall for it if she’s gonna make comments. She did the same to my DD as a toddler, always highlighting her appetite. She was a good eater but once at a birthday party DD wanted pringles from the tub she was holding, she gave her only one then went on and on about how she’s always wanting to eat when she wanted unsurprisingly, another. She seems to have got over it a bit now but I avoid meals with her like the plaque

Yes thats the standard fluster and bluster of the bully - everyone knows the performance (also known as DARVO) - just hold your stance and silence calmly so she remains centre stage. Dont get in her way of showing herself up.

How old is your MIL? I only ask I've noticed quite a few ladies around my Mums age (65-75ish) on diets watching their weight etc, my mum can feel quite miserable about her weight despite looking pretty average.

It's perhaps generational thing (?) whilst younger women also stress about weight and body image it seems to be more about health and fitness now whereas my mum's cohort are more about achieving an arbitrary number on the bathroom scales. I see restriction occurring in her and my MILs eating quite a lot, while their husbands have happy plump bellies!

In my experience, as soon as you are armed with a stellar response to this sort of nonsense, the need to use it never arrives.

so arm yourself with one or two of the excellent suggestions here and enjoy the peace and quiet.

'Yes Gertrude, I can eat what I like and still be lovely and slim! Aren't I lucky?!'

I’m similar to you, and have a colleague like your MIL. It is intensely aggravating, to the point I change what I eat if I know she will be around because she cannot help but make comments.

She is early 60s. I would love to say that I don't sit on my arse all say, but that will remain in my head as I don't think I'd be so bold as to say to her.

But you're all right, I can't let her get in my head.

And as for the 'resilience' comment - you're obviously lucky enough to have never struggled with disordered eating before. So your comment was a bit ignorant.

She's jealous of you and trying to make you feel insecure by projecting her own insecurities onto you.

It's silly isn't it - why should we have to feel like we need to adjust, for people who say things they have no idea the impact it has. I just don't see why it's of concern to her. I genuinely am not the slightest bit bothered if someone has a tiny appetite or a huge one. It's like she sees not eating much as a badge of honour or something

Don't be ashamed OP. Turn it around. If she does it in front of everyone else then do a little twirl, fix a huge smile and say "doesn't look like it's doing me any harm, does it".

I think she's envious that you can eat well and you're petite. She may well stop if you respond each time with a comment of your own. The suggestion above to comment on her drinking is a good one too.

Only thing with did you mean to be so rude is that if she says yes then it's hard to avoid a massive row

My MIL does competitive under eating to an extremely tedious level. “Oh gosh SO MUCH bread 😳” (when her bowl of soup was served with one slice of bread cut in half). It’s very performative, and completely rooted in the idea that thinness is innately morally superior. She’s extremely slim and to her that’s more important than anything. She’s passed it on to my SIL too which is sad. She comments on my appetite, how much I eat, doesn’t know how I manage it all blah blah blah. I ignored it for years but recently I’ve started hitting back because I don’t want this BS in front of my daughter. I’ve started saying things like “well we can’t all survive on half a portion of fresh air can we Brenda?” “I know you eat like a sparrow Brenda but some of us do need food” exaggerated wink. I’m a size 10, but in her eyes that’s probably fat. In my eyes she looks skeletal 🤷🏼‍♀️.

@HowF3stiveDon't go, OP. You don’t owe it to anyone and nothing warrants that level of abuse & bullying. And that’s exactly what it is - bullying

I assume your husband is aware of your past food issues?

I would therefore say to him if HE wants you to attend any more functions with MIL where there is food involved then HE must talk to her and explain that she does not comment on your eating - ever. And if she cannot comply then HE must comment at the time that this is not OK - and be prepared to leave the event if she doesn't shut up.

The fact that you are considering restricting your intake again because of her comments you know is dangerous. Do not let it continue.

4.Tell her to stfu !!

It's the menopause I'm afraid, the loss of oestrogen leads to increased weight gain, doesn't matter what you eat or drink. It's nothing to do with food and exercise. You accumulate mainly visceral fat around the tummy area (and vital organs), which is the more dangerous fat accumulation and the least desirable!

Unfortunately as there's not nearly enough information on this, women believe that restrictive dieting and additional Zone 2 cardio will solve the problem.
It won't.