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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset by MIL's comments

106 replies

HowF3stive · 20/12/2024 13:16

Not sure if I'm being over sensitive but I feel hurt and it's given me a bit of a complex!

At a family dinner and she makes comments about what a big eater I am and how I eat as much as the men do. This isn't the first time it's been said.

For context I'm petite, normal weight, and don't feel as though I under or over eat. But I have struggled with disordered eating in the past. I'm in a good place now so I tend to eat slower which perhaps makes it appear as though I've eaten more than I have. She is on a very restrictive calorie cutting fad diet over the past few months and barely eats - it's mostly alcohol and crisps. I tend to skip that in favour of more filling choices but have never criticised her choices.

Now I'm sat here second guessing my portions and wondering if I should cut back and here comes that restrictive mindset again. Feels like her boys can do no wrong but there is always something to nitpick when it comes to me.

Dreading going there for Christmas now and already worrying if I'll be seen as eating too much 😔

OP posts:
Elsvieta · 20/12/2024 18:51

Act like she's paid a complement - look delighted, say "thank you!", and finish your dinner.

Beentheredonethat0 · 20/12/2024 18:52

HowF3stive · 20/12/2024 14:26

Thank you all. I did mention it to my other half, he was supportive and said I hadn't over ate etc. but there is a lot of 'she doesn't think before she speaks' too and that it's not 'intentional' - she is jokingly called the princess because she can be quite high maintenance etc. so I know it will never change

This is code for, she's highly narcissistic and as her family, we've all learned to ignore her behaviour, accept, make excuses for, justify, minimise, etc, etc.
They're used to it, expect it and act like it doesn't exist.

You're just finding out now.

I wish you luck.

Please promise me something?

Don't mention your prior disordered eating issues, ask that your DH doesn't mention it to her either.
Ask him if he's said anything to her already?

If she is who I think she is, she'll subtly weaponise it and take digs at you just for entertainment. Is it possible she already knows??

quirkychick · 20/12/2024 18:53

I think there's also a generational view of being fat and it being a sign of lax will-power. Both my dm and my late mil used to do performative undereating. Weirdly, my late mil would also cook way too much food and be offended if you didn't eat it. Her daughter, my sil has inherited the strange food attitudes and at a recent meal out tried to interrogate me in front of a large group of people as to why I hadn't eaten all the potatoes on my plate - erm, because I was full and had eaten enough 🤔

Some people just have very skewed attitudes to food. I'm sorry you have had issues in the past, I also did when younger (more binge eating bordering on bulimia) but am now happy eating what feels intuitively right.

Stormyweatheroutthere · 20/12/2024 18:56

Just tell her that luckily dh makes sure you get plenty of exercise wink wink.. She won't ever mention it again I bet.

TriptoTipp · 20/12/2024 19:29

HowF3stive · 20/12/2024 14:26

Thank you all. I did mention it to my other half, he was supportive and said I hadn't over ate etc. but there is a lot of 'she doesn't think before she speaks' too and that it's not 'intentional' - she is jokingly called the princess because she can be quite high maintenance etc. so I know it will never change

She has them all well trained - they all deny, dismiss, excuse, minimse because she holds the threat of volatity over them - the tears and trantrums - so no one calls her out was they dont want the conflict.

How everthings can change - you dont have to be her emotional punch bag - you dont have to cower or rage .... you can be calm and assertive each and everytime. She will back off - the others are probably sub consciously comfortable that you are the target and not them.

Dont get angry at her - thats a trap and is a behaviour she would love as its handing her the bullets to shoot you with.

When I calmly asked my MIL to 'drop it' (after 25 years!!!!) the Am Dram - panto performance was off the scale - she literally fell back against a wall raging that no one had ever spoken to her like that in her life (that was probably true) and then she declared that she was going to take her own life .... this was infront of my 6 year old .... so I just rolledmy eyes and calmly took my child home out of that situation ....the trick was being ready and protected from the emotional storm. She then called my DH the next day (he hadnt been there) to apologise (to him!) - she continued to give me the sneer and side-eye out of his eyeline but she stopped with the constant verbal pecking.

Wilfrida1 · 20/12/2024 19:36

In all this I just want to say congratulations to you. You have acknowledged you have had disordered eating in the past, you are aware her comments could potentially make those problems resurface, and you have done something about it by talking openly on here and listening to advice on how best to handle this.

You most certainly are not being unreasonable, you are being flipping awesome!

And yes, it’s all about her and her issue, nothing whatsoever to do with what’s on your plate.

VegTrug · 21/12/2024 01:24

Wilfrida1 · 20/12/2024 19:36

In all this I just want to say congratulations to you. You have acknowledged you have had disordered eating in the past, you are aware her comments could potentially make those problems resurface, and you have done something about it by talking openly on here and listening to advice on how best to handle this.

You most certainly are not being unreasonable, you are being flipping awesome!

And yes, it’s all about her and her issue, nothing whatsoever to do with what’s on your plate.

Agreed

CrazyGoatLady · 21/12/2024 01:48

"It's very kind of you to be concerned about my food consumption Karen. I'm actually on this awesome diet right now, since you mention it. It's called the what other people eat is none of your fucking business diet. I think you should give it a go!"

FabulousPharmacyst · 21/12/2024 02:42

VegTrug · 20/12/2024 17:51

@HowF3stiveDon't go, OP. You don’t owe it to anyone and nothing warrants that level of abuse & bullying. And that’s exactly what it is - bullying

Inclined to agree.

also noticed your username is an amazing response in itself ‘How Festive of you Brenda’ would be an Excellent response all by itself.

MayaPinion · 21/12/2024 03:15

The best (and funniest) thing to do in these situations is to take her words as a compliment even if she is trying to insult you, and respond accordingly. Something like, ‘Thank you, Mavis. You’re right - I do love a good big dinner and your cooking is great so I want to do it justice. I’m lucky I have a pretty fast metabolism, aren’t I?’

GoodGollyMsMolly · 21/12/2024 03:50

I'd grab the turkey leg and chomp it slowly while staring at her.

Happiestwhen · 21/12/2024 05:13

That is so rude of her. Seems like she can't believe that you can eat normal portions and still be slim. Whereas she has to watch what she eats to maintain her figure. Definitely sounds like envy. But she could just say nothing, the fact that she repeatedly says something is the issue. She definitely needs to be called out.

Codlingmoths · 21/12/2024 05:45

Where is your dh? ‘Dh you weren’t listening and you haven’t thought about me here. I have a history of disordered eating- my mental health is sensitive to these comments and I need you to support and say something. It might just be I think x looks amazing, but if you can’t commit to that I can’t go.

snd if you have a daughter or are still having dc: add Also, if our daughter gets any kind of eating issues and I haven’t seen you capable of shutting comments down then your mum can’t be in her life, full stop.

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 21/12/2024 05:50

HowF3stive · 20/12/2024 13:16

Not sure if I'm being over sensitive but I feel hurt and it's given me a bit of a complex!

At a family dinner and she makes comments about what a big eater I am and how I eat as much as the men do. This isn't the first time it's been said.

For context I'm petite, normal weight, and don't feel as though I under or over eat. But I have struggled with disordered eating in the past. I'm in a good place now so I tend to eat slower which perhaps makes it appear as though I've eaten more than I have. She is on a very restrictive calorie cutting fad diet over the past few months and barely eats - it's mostly alcohol and crisps. I tend to skip that in favour of more filling choices but have never criticised her choices.

Now I'm sat here second guessing my portions and wondering if I should cut back and here comes that restrictive mindset again. Feels like her boys can do no wrong but there is always something to nitpick when it comes to me.

Dreading going there for Christmas now and already worrying if I'll be seen as eating too much 😔

Have you asked her to stop making these comments? What was her response?

Cm19841 · 21/12/2024 13:53

I would have not have been able to resist saying "mind your business" as a reflex. You should tell her.

Mamalifehasjustbegun · 21/12/2024 21:24

Elsvieta · 20/12/2024 18:51

Act like she's paid a complement - look delighted, say "thank you!", and finish your dinner.

I like this approach, as from what you said she is looking for sore points to put you down a bit, probably some jealously over her boy? Even if you’re not confident, I would feign confidence and don’t rise to her provocations this Xmas. Good luck!

Codlingmoths · 22/12/2024 23:19

If you need more responses, I think you should smile serenely and say indeed good food has been one of life’s true pleasures for thousands of years.

Tanjamaltija · 24/12/2024 13:42

Smile, and say nothing... and continue eating.

Lisachooky · 27/12/2024 19:21

Another passive/aggressive person, sorry it's your MIL ,she needs stopped in her tracks....put your food on your plate,wait til everyone is sat down to eat,I'm guessing around the table?hold your plate up to your MIL to inspect and ask her in front of everyone,if that's ok for you to eat,since she comments on what you eat.that should put a stop to it.hopefully....

gavisconismyfriend · 27/12/2024 19:29

I really feel for you, so tricky to deal with comments like that particularly when you have a history of issues with eating. However, in my experience passive aggressive put downs rarely work and often leave me feeling on edge if I make them. If your DP were to respond about how it looks like a regular portion to him and he loves a woman with a healthy appetite, she might just shut up…..

KM99 · 27/12/2024 19:30

MidnightPatrol · 20/12/2024 13:18

“Did you mean to be so rude? Please don’t comment on portion sizes, I am trying to foster a healthy attitude towards food in my family”

This. On repeat.

Bigsigh24 · 27/12/2024 19:35

HowF3stive · 20/12/2024 13:16

Not sure if I'm being over sensitive but I feel hurt and it's given me a bit of a complex!

At a family dinner and she makes comments about what a big eater I am and how I eat as much as the men do. This isn't the first time it's been said.

For context I'm petite, normal weight, and don't feel as though I under or over eat. But I have struggled with disordered eating in the past. I'm in a good place now so I tend to eat slower which perhaps makes it appear as though I've eaten more than I have. She is on a very restrictive calorie cutting fad diet over the past few months and barely eats - it's mostly alcohol and crisps. I tend to skip that in favour of more filling choices but have never criticised her choices.

Now I'm sat here second guessing my portions and wondering if I should cut back and here comes that restrictive mindset again. Feels like her boys can do no wrong but there is always something to nitpick when it comes to me.

Dreading going there for Christmas now and already worrying if I'll be seen as eating too much 😔

Yep I’ve had this loads of times from family, I think a basic fu*k off you’re being rude, does the trick !

or you explain, ‘you know as I’ve had issues in the past with food, I eat more consciously now and my portions are fine thanks’ (so F off ) x

Lickedthespoon · 27/12/2024 19:54

She's jealous, plain and simple. Enjoy your food with a smile and try to ignore her comments. People that say things like this usually want a reaction so try not to give her the satisfaction

GreySloth · 27/12/2024 19:57

She should think before she speaks! She is obviously the one with the problem. Don't give it a second thought hun, sounds like you have a good healthy appetite please keep it that way and don't let her make you want to go back to your old eating habits. Ignore her spiteful, pathetic comments, she should sort herself out. She is WELL OUT OF ORDER! You have yourself a wonderful,happy and healthy new year hun.💜

GeekyDiva80 · 27/12/2024 20:03

Say this, " luckily for me my metabolism is as fast as a mans, yours must be awfully slow to be forced to eat like a bird!"
😂