To be upset by MIL's comments

[HowF3stive]

Not sure if I'm being over sensitive but I feel hurt and it's given me a bit of a complex!

At a family dinner and she makes comments about what a big eater I am and how I eat as much as the men do. This isn't the first time it's been said.

For context I'm petite, normal weight, and don't feel as though I under or over eat. But I have struggled with disordered eating in the past. I'm in a good place now so I tend to eat slower which perhaps makes it appear as though I've eaten more than I have. She is on a very restrictive calorie cutting fad diet over the past few months and barely eats - it's mostly alcohol and crisps. I tend to skip that in favour of more filling choices but have never criticised her choices.

Now I'm sat here second guessing my portions and wondering if I should cut back and here comes that restrictive mindset again. Feels like her boys can do no wrong but there is always something to nitpick when it comes to me.

Dreading going there for Christmas now and already worrying if I'll be seen as eating too much 😔

Shes jealous. Coz she had to work hard to look like you.

How old, roughly is your MIL, as I wonder if that might be a factor? My MIL never used to do this, if anything would encourage me to eat plenty, but in the last few years (early 70s) she comments at every meal... However for her I don't think it's meant as a dig, it's genuine surprise. We've realised when visiting her that she eats very small amounts - in the sense of if she buys a ready made sandwich she'll wrap half of it up and save it for later - and it isn't about dieting, her appetite has drastically reduced as she's got older. Other things have changed too, eg she sleeps less, and I think it's just a shift in what is normal for her. So by contrast she genuinely is shocked at what I cook, but it's because her idea of what is normal has changed. Could it be similar for her do you think?

But anyway, having some ready responses to shut it down sounds like a good plan, you're clearly eating in a way that suits you and is healthy!

I would have a word with your dh and ask him to speak to his mother to stop

once done and she continues then I would say oh Flossie I thought DH had spoken to you and asked you not to be so rude as to comment on what I do and don’t eat, but to make it clear I am a healthy weight, I eat healthily and don’t undertake fad diets like you do. Please stop now

Next time she says you've eaten a lot, just laugh and say "not quite as much as your son!"

I grew up with two brothers, and anytime someone said something sexist like "MsCactus doesn't do any housework" I'd just point out how little my brother's did "no comments for them?!", or my DH or another man. Most people get uncomfortable when you do this, because it becomes blatant they're being sexist

Eat the amount you want and ignore ignore ignore x

My MIL used to serve me half of what the men were served. She ate like a bird herself at mealtimes but snacked constantly through the day so presumably wasn’t that hungry for a meal.

It drove me mad. I just wanted a normal meal without judgement.

I empathise, OP.

Go for this - delivered with a cheery smile! You basically need to teach her never to comment on your eating again.

Option 2 is to tell your DH to have a word with her / and tell him clearly that if she ‘forgets’ you expect him to speak up quickly and if he doesn’t you will explode. Does he want that! Ni? Then time for him to step up.

Option 1 has the merit if it not being clear to get that you’re upset. Option 2 does indicate that. Personally I would not want her to think I’m upset, so I’d shoot it down more cleverly.

I once had a negative comment about my arms when I said I was planning to wear a strappy dress to an event we were all attending. I got ‘are you sure you want to wear that, with your arms?’ For once in my life I delivered a great response instantly- ‘don’t worry, there’s not a man in the room who will be looking at my arms.’ DH laughed. No further comments about my arms have ever been made. In my case I know it’s because she has an issue with her arms - but it was still a bit rude. But I’m glad I knocked it back with a joke rather than with ‘please don’t comment on my arms’.

She’s obviously really jealous. Imagine basically being hungry your entire life (self inflicted but doesn’t make it feel any better) and then someone who looks great is tucking into all the things you deprived yourself of. No wonder she’s raging.

Agree with PP, she’s jealous.
I’d make it a point to eat huge portions every time I see her, take any comments as a compliment about having a healthy appetite. Thank you Mil yes I am proud of how much I eat.

It's not about you, it's about her eating disorder. If it doesn't manifest itself in actual restricted eating or hidden binging, it's the constant monitoring and labelling of food and food portions:

"Treat myself to something naughty"
"Oh it's so naughty but if you're having something"
"Oh that's far too much for me"
"I don't know how you can eat all that"
"These huge portions just put me off"
"Just a tiny one for me, it's sooooo rich"

And pass-agg comments about other women's eating.

My poor mum has it as a legacy of the 70s/80s but I just ignore her and help myself to more roast potatoes.

Thanks everyone, this has made me feel a lot better. I was initially thinking of just cutting right back today as well as on Christmas Day to avoid the comments but you're right. I'll either rise above it or try to be brave and shut it down with a sarcastic reply.

I tend to agree, she always says she struggles with her weight and barely eats real meals. But will happily eat so many crisps that probably add up to a days worth of calories without realising so it's not fair for her to be judging me or anyone else.

I just hate that she drew attention to me and what I had eaten to the entire table, I just wanted the ground to swallow me up as I felt a fight pig, and I really hadn't eaten all that much!

Mu dd is a size 8 and petite.
She eats well.
Her inlaws call her the little trougher.
Fortunately she thinks this is hilarious.
Tbf to them they're just genuinely amazed at how much dd can eat.
They're always on diets too.

Dd is like me, naturally slim.

I'm glad she takes it in her stride! I guess for me having previously struggled with under eating etc it's easy for me to switch back to that.

I've never been overweight or binged but have had the restriction and paranoia over slight weight gain, so comments like that restart that thought process for me I think.

I'm glad your daughter has a healthy relationship with food despite the silly comments ☺️

This is what I would do. It’s totally a her problem. She says it because you’re another woman and she’s obsessed with food and other women’s intake of food. Men don’t factor into it because she doesn’t see them in the same light.

I found it incredibly easy not to eat when I was feeding my face with booze instead.

I swear there should be such a term as 'alchorexia'!

You could always say to her, when she goes to refill her glass again, 'goodness Margaret, you certainly seem to be keeping up with the boys there!'

The last thing you should do is cut back. Not only shouldn't you give in to someone policing your eating, but you're actually doing a good thing in modelling a healthy attitude to food that counter balances her own very unhealthy one. If anyone should be influenced, it's her by you, as you are demonstrating it's possible to eat and stay a healthy weight. You have right on your side when it comes to food, and manners, so have courage and carry on enjoying your food. Treat her comments as entirely wrong and coming from an unhealthy place.

Okay I am banking this for Christmas Day. Thank you 😄

So what does her son think/say to her?

I think I'd smile sweetly and say, "It is your cooking MIL I hardly eat anything else."

Do your DH's brothers have partners? If so, does MIL comment on their food intake?

She is being really rude. I assume that you have to go to her house for Christmas? If she does this again, tell your DH that you won't be spending Christmas or eating in her company again.

Competitive undereating is really damaging and seems like one-upmanship on your MIL's part. She sounds quite unpleasant.

She is on a very restrictive calorie cutting fad diet over the past few months and barely eats - it's mostly alcohol

Drinkers are often bitter and nasty.

They have poor emotional and impulse control - hence her overeating, over drinking and overstepping boundaries. This gets worse as they age and their brain rots. If she is always 'nit-picking' at you - then you are her chosen target for her emotional discharge. She's power playing - she wouldnr/doesnt say stuff like this to others. She knows whats shes doing - so you need to take action. Have a phrase or word ready to assertively shoot back very calmly with eye contact. Something that can be used in all situations - dont get drawn into any discussions on the detail of the 'nit-pick' thats just a derail. It's the pattern and repetition of behaviours that is the issue. So something like "Enough Margaret" "Stop please Margaret" - hold her stare - expect her to 'fluster and bluster' - but just weather than for a few minutes - keep calm. The threat of her fluster and bluster is what keeps others supressed.

I think I'd say 'Well, luckily for me I can eat as much as I want and I'm still a healthy weight. Sorry if that's not the case for you. Would you like another biscuit?'

I'd just smile and quip ...
"Yes I really do enjoy nutritious food, isn't it great to have a healthy appetite at my optimum weight!
How's that restrictive diet of yours going by the way? Have you lost any weight yet? I can't tell? You must be feeling so deprived not being able to eat what you like?
Mmmmm this is delicious!"
Smile broadly at her as you take another bite ...

Well that's not really the case. My colleague was eating his christmas dinner and certainly drew many comments for the fact he had 3rds. I told them all to shut up, it's so unnecessary.

OP, just remember that eating is a way of life, not one meal (or diet). You're clearly doing it correctly, she on the other hand...

I'd try to rise above it and smile and say "yes, it's delicious" or something along those lines. A sarcastic put down will not make you look good.

I do find that a lot of overweight people don't seem to eat much in public. Presumably they are filling up on rubbish late at night and are too embarrassed to eat in front of others. Slim people generally eat reasonably well at mealtimes.