Husband Won't Correct My Name

[TheTingTings]

Husband and I got married a couple months ago. Before this we'd been together 14 years. It was important to me to keep my surname for various reasons - we spoke about it and he was understanding and very clear that he didn't mind. I asked if he wanted to share my surname, and he didn't - no issues from me. Incase it matters, we don't have kids and don't plan to.

We got a wedding invitation from a family member of his, addressed to Mr & Mrs Husband Surname. No issue, but given their wedding stationery will likely be getting made up and to avoid any mixed messages, I asked if when he RSVPs for us could he text just to clarify my name so it can be right on seating plan, etc.

He said it's not a big deal and if I care that much I can text his family member myself. I replied that it mattered to me as it's my name, and he got really snarky about it, reiterating it wasn't a big deal and he wasn't doing it.

I welled up a bit as his reaction and the change in tone of our evening as it caught me by surprise, and to be honest I'm tired from a long day at work and this was just after getting in the door. He then flounced off and has closed the door over to the room he's gone off into.

We rarely argue, I can't remember the last time anything like this happened, but it's really hurt me. Not the invitation, but his attitude towards my name not mattering and being unwilling to do a small task to support something important to me. I could of course reply to the family member myself but I'm peeved that I've managed the name situation with my family as well as his immediate family, can he not help out with his wider family I don't really know to message?

Am I massively overthinking this?

Same here. (I'm in my 50s.) My DC are in their late 20s, and all their female friends and colleagues who got married all changed their surname to their husband's.

They are a mix of professionals/people with University degrees (and Masters too,) middle and upper management, GPs, Dentists, Opticians, Surgeons, Solicitors, Teachers, Admin Assistant, secretaries, IT workers, the works... ALL changed their surname. Yet a huge amount of posters on Mumsnet kept their maiden name (apparently!)

.

I would absolutely poiltely correct them. I'm a married Ms and still some of my DH's family assume I'm a Mrs Hisname when I'm a Ms Myname. That's not my name!

Nope, there's nothing factual about title usage. A woman is 'Miss' if she wants to use it. Her marital status is irrelevant. There are traditional associations, but they've no basis in fact.

Also, the simplest compromise is everyone choosing what they want to be called and everyone else observing that.

Assuming you have your father's surname, you were given it because it's his. Your parents didn't give you some random surname did they?

Oh FFS, who the F gets married and still calls themselves MISS?

NO-ONE, that's who!

I'm sorry but I do think you're overthinking this one.

I kept my maiden name too and my H wasn't happy when he realized it later. We didn't discuss it prior to marrying. We'd lived together for several years, were older and I think we were both surprised at each others feelings on it but he got over it and its fine now.

I personally never correct people about my last name in social settings. I've even been gifted money w/his last name from my own relatives and I was able to deposit the gifts and didn't tell the giver.

If it was professional of course I'd correct someone but a social invitation isn't as important to me. The person inviting us didn't use H's name and omit mine intentionally and I feel correcting them isn't very nice in that situation.

I might tell them in person but I would not write phone or email about it.

You say in your replies that you're more upset about H's reaction to your request. Have you considered that while he says he's supportive of your choice, he may not be fully over it? I know it came up long after our wedding and my H was noticeably upset. He has gotten past it but I know 20+ years later it still bothers him. I'm not in the business of healing men's feelings about what I view as an old custom rooted in ownership of women BUT I do try to be kind to him on the topic. It hurt his feelings, yes. No, I will not change my mind/name. So we both had to accept that we disagree. I think you could take a step back and see that this may be a little deeper for both of you?

It's a bad point then.

If OP doesn't get her own surname, neither do any of the other men you've listed. If it's not hers, neither is it that of any man who's borne it, after the first one.

Either a surname belongs to everyone equally who's used it, or it only belongs to the first person to use it in which case it's not her father's. Not all surnames originate from men anyway, and the majority of us won't know who was the first with ours.

I won't say whether you are overthinking or not, but why does your husband have to do the correcting? Why can you not do it?

Even if this were true, and it's not, it's still wrong to say OP isn't a Miss because she's married. I don't know her title, but if she's not a Miss it isn't because of her marital status. It would only be because she doesn't use it. You've not understood how these things work.

@TheTingTings I'd do what your DH suggested and message this person and let him know that your husband took your name and actually it's Mr and Mrs TingTing. See how he likes it when he arrives and has his name as Mr Tingting.

It's not my maiden name. It's my name.

People look at those seating plan lists for as long as it takes to find which table they are on. They don't the go through the other 120 names checking surnames.

I think there are lots of waves and schools of thought in feminism and such a reductive post suggests your lack of wider reading and a shallow understanding of the topic.
You are describing one (older) ideology of feminism called 'choice feminism'.

However more recent critiques of that theory have highlighted the 'illusion of choice'.

Is that SAHM really making a liberated feminist decision? Or is she constricted by the fact that she earns less than her husband, or has had her career progression stall due to pregnancy/mat leave/ looking after small children? Has she ended up the 'default parent' and the one who was stressed doing all the pick ups and drop offs and sick days?
Actually would that woman male the same choice in a society where men and women had equal access to parental leave and high quality affordable childcare?

90% of women change their names. How many men do you think have a 'nicer name' than their original one that women really want to change to? But the starting point of negotiation in a couple is that woman takes mans name. It's the societal we expectation. The conversation doesn't start ok- who will take whose name or shall we double barrel or pick a new one? Interestingly it is also more expensive with nore hoops to jump for the man to change his name. When society constructs these barriers women may believe they have made a free choice, but they haven't really as the choices have been restricted and walls put up to climb.

@LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway Me! I was Miss X professionally for years after I married DH. Why not? I can call myself what I like.

It's a drop down box on a form. There's no legality involved.

I don't think this is a big deal tbh, I doubt anyone will be looking for your name on a seating plan, and at my wedding it was first names only, I don't think we had surnames anywhere!

Your DH's reaction to it is the problem IMO, it doesn't seem like he respects or even acknowledges that you're protective of your name.

@Jmmi Hubby and I both db'd to take each other's name and I'm a Ms - as evidenced on the envelope to our marriage certificate.
Personally I'm fighting the patriarchy but each to his own!

So men own their surnames and women only ever borrow them?

Oh mate.

I'm 100% with you on keeping your own name but literally nobody else cares.

Good for you to have made that one into an ex. Gos, male fragility is a brittle thing.

I wouldn't be bothered with that. DH has a name that can be spelled two ways. He wouldn't correct someone on the spelling either. Once a hotel called us Mr and Mrs MyName and he did acknowledge it's a pain being called the wrong name, and not the same as the wrong spelling. Which was nice. But in the grand scheme of things I wouldn't correct for wedding stationary.

Seemingly. That posters father will have likely got his name the same way, but notice how he gets to just have his his name without any caveats? Double standards.

I entirely disagree, if you sweat it for the first few years everyone gets the message!

I wonder why nearly all men don't also change/add to their name upon marriage?
My husband did btw - he's a little bit awesome 💖

I have been married nearly 40 years. Like Cherie Booth / Blair, I use my maiden name professionally and took my husband’s surname for our private life. Over the years there have been many odd issues relating to my name (s). Probably, were I getting married today, I would not change my name. My response to being called the wrong surname would depend on the knowledge / intent.