Husband Won't Correct My Name

[TheTingTings]

Husband and I got married a couple months ago. Before this we'd been together 14 years. It was important to me to keep my surname for various reasons - we spoke about it and he was understanding and very clear that he didn't mind. I asked if he wanted to share my surname, and he didn't - no issues from me. Incase it matters, we don't have kids and don't plan to.

We got a wedding invitation from a family member of his, addressed to Mr & Mrs Husband Surname. No issue, but given their wedding stationery will likely be getting made up and to avoid any mixed messages, I asked if when he RSVPs for us could he text just to clarify my name so it can be right on seating plan, etc.

He said it's not a big deal and if I care that much I can text his family member myself. I replied that it mattered to me as it's my name, and he got really snarky about it, reiterating it wasn't a big deal and he wasn't doing it.

I welled up a bit as his reaction and the change in tone of our evening as it caught me by surprise, and to be honest I'm tired from a long day at work and this was just after getting in the door. He then flounced off and has closed the door over to the room he's gone off into.

We rarely argue, I can't remember the last time anything like this happened, but it's really hurt me. Not the invitation, but his attitude towards my name not mattering and being unwilling to do a small task to support something important to me. I could of course reply to the family member myself but I'm peeved that I've managed the name situation with my family as well as his immediate family, can he not help out with his wider family I don't really know to message?

Am I massively overthinking this?

LOL. This is the pure definition of cutting your nose off to spite your face.

Yeah fuck em! You tell em! Don’t enjoy a lovely family wedding with free booze and nice food and a chance to get to know your new husband’s family better. Decline the invitation because they had the audacity to assume you took your husband’s name, like most women do in this country.

It's just a wedding invite/seat plan. Not a formal piece of ID that you need to keep for years. Is the negativity really worth it?

It's your name. Why do you need DH to put it 'right'. Why not do it yourself if it bothers you so much.

You are overthinking and creating an issue out of something that really isn't.

I'd be tempted to respond Mr and Mrs Your surname are able to attend. If it's not a big deal he should be fine with it!

This. Not worth tears over.

My point exactly - her surname is actually a man's one anyway. Her father's, her grandfather's, her great-grandfather's, her great great grandfather's....

Absolutely. And as he's the one who knows the relatives it's much easier for him to bring it up. Why isn't he OK to just mention it? Is he ashamed?

Nah, he's doing that. Saying oh by the way wife goes by Ms Wife's name or whatever isn't hard, it isn't an issue. What is an issue is being an arse and just ignoring it because maybe just maybe he wants people to think she's Mrs Husbands name.

You do understand that your maiden name also comes from a man? 🤣 it is not misogyny for a woman to make the free choice of changing her surname to her husbands. That’s what it is these days, it’s a choice.
Feminism is about choice.
I think you don’t understand feminism.

If a woman makes a choice to stay at home, raise the kids and cook and clean for her breadwinner husband whose surname she took, then she’s every bit as much a feminist as the working, married-but-kept-her-maiden-name mum who pays nursery fees. Or the woman who is single and childless by choice, living her dreams travelling round the world.

All these women made choices. All these women are being feminists. And ALL these women have a surname given to them by a man

There's an assumption here I'm looking to 'reject' my husbands name in a sort of anti-man endeavour, which isn't the case. My name is my name, and for various reasons I won't bore you with, I want it to stay that way rather than change it a significant period of time into my life. It's irrelevant where it came from.

Do you not get that the issue is not about the origin of the name, it's about many women not wanting (understandably!) to change their name partway through their life just because they married someone, and the sexism inherent in the fact it is women that are expected to do this, not men?!

In all the organisation of weddings this is really simple to sort out. As the bride id simply change the details, text back, all sorted. It's not like you want the whole wedding about you.
I disagree with others and agree with OP about seating plan as I had my name (kept maiden name) on a wedding seating plan six months after our wedding and had a few family members ask if I'd not changed it so it does matter.
Years later I also had DH's cousin double barrel DD and I on wedding RSVP when we both have my name. I texted rather than DH but if he had reacted like your husband I would have looked at him like he had two heads to be honest and assumed something else had happened.

I've kept my name after getting married and often get this, it really doesn't bother me in the slightest.

My husband came to my work christmas do and his name placard was Mr X MySurname, we both found this very amusing!

OP doesn't care enough to correct them. Why would her DH?

Does your husband have an awful surname op 🤣

Because admittedly, that was my main motivation for taking my husbands name, my maiden name was shit for doing a decent signature

I felt (and feel!) strongly about keeping my own name. Every year DH‘s extended family send us Christmas cards addressed to “Mr and Mrs Joe Bloggs”. I find it hilarious and I don’t correct them, because they are mostly in their 60s or older and have made the effort to send us a card. They know my first name and I don’t really care whether they know my surname or not.

In this I think if you aren’t happy with this then you need to correct it, not DH. Just do it gently when accepting their kind invitation - thank you so much, we would both love to attend, I’m still Jane Maiden-name btw”

It's 'just' male privilege playing out.
I'd reply and tell them yourself and keep my eyes open to the other micro male privileges he's been using against you.

Today has been a very sad and sobering reminder of how prevalent and entrenched male privilege is, particularly over wives.

This. I’m sorry that your husband is so unsupportive of your wishes. I’m sure his family members will be pleased to know they’ve got it wrong so it can be corrected. Most polite people like to call others by their preferred name.

The posters here saying you are over reacting / being precious sound like the type who insist on calling someone Catherine when they’ve been told dozens of times that the name is Katy or Katerina or Katya. Or who say

” Saliha? What kind of weird foreign name is that? That’s too hard for me to remember, I’m going to call you Sally “ .

Basically the type of person with no manners and very limited life experience outside their own social circle.

Welcome to years of people and organisations who don't know otherwise assuming you are Mrs Husbands Surname! I've had this now for 40 years, including from my Dad who insists on sending birthday and Christmas cards in that name. Now that REALLY is annoying.
I don't think getting it wrong for a one-off occasion such as a wedding does matter. There will be no confusion on the seating plan - you will know who you are - so let it go.
I get it that your surname is part of your identity, but surely your identity is not so fragile that it will be shattered by a wedding seating card.

I wanted to keep my name when I first married forty years ago. It was harder then when the world was a bit different and I didn't have a professional reputation to protect.

I reverted to my own name after the divorce and when I remarried my lovely not-so-new husband he never had an issue with me keeping my name.

So, today we had a Christmas card addressed to Mr and Mrs (his initial) (my surname). He might have been offended by being called by name. I might have been offended by being called Mrs husband. We were both delighted at the lovely mash up. Because marriage is a mash up and joining up two lives.

It gets complicated, but if that's the worst thing you have to deal with you will be very lucky.

I’m glad it helped as I wondered if it seemed harsh!

FWIW, I did change my name (a lifetime ago) and wouldn’t do now!

Haha he has a surname that is a nightmare to spell - not once has anyone I know got it right first time!! And yes, I correct people on his behalf 😂

My surname - super straightforward, no hassle 🥳

So it's amusing because it's so rare for a woman's name to be used (aka more important) than her husbands?
I get it, but it is sad in 2024 when you've been educated and worked very likely as much as he has (not that that really matters, but it does in terms of status) that it's funny when, for once, it hasn't enforced the unfair status quo.

Jaysus if you want to weather the next fifty years as a married couple, don't start by sweating this sort of small shit

The suggestion that the invitation go to Mr his name and Miss her name is factually incorrect.. OP is not a 'Miss' as she is not an unmarried woman.. the simplest compromise is to be Mrs his name-your name .. and he can simply be Mr His name .. if he doesn't want the same as you .. personally I couldn't wait to be Mrs Husbands name .. as my own surname was hideous .. no other reason why .. if it had been Smith, Jones, Robinson etc I also would of keep it but hyphenated as want to be seen as 'joined' to him .

If you wanted to tell them about it why couldn't you just send a brief text. Just politely saying, just wanted to point out I still go by xx surname, not husband name. They hardly did it maliciously.

If they then accidentally put your husband's name on a place card for you then I'd hope you wouldn't feel the need to complain about it. As you have let them know.

My mum had a place card with her maiden name on it at my cousin's wedding. She'd been married for all of this cousin's lifetime and had only ever used my dad's name for fifty years. He still got it wrong. But nobody died.
I've had my first name spelled wrong at weddings before. And it's only got three letters!

Please don't let this minor mistake upset you or cause discord with your husband or his family. It's really not worth it. Unless there is more to it.